It has been a year and two months of my medication Lamictal. If you dont know already, Lamictal is a medication used to treat epilepsy and mood disorders such as bipolar disorder. I am taking it for moods.
The thing about this medication is that it does keep me away from any manic episode. Which is good for my life, however, it definitely inhibits me from feeling like sunshine like it used to make me feel. Lamictal DOES NOT help with the major depression aspect of my mood disorder.
My psychiatrist suggested I get put on Lexapro (to help with the depression), but I have not gone forward with that yet.
I am very torn on this medication. I am very torn on medication in general. Okay, so sure I have chemical imbalances in my brain, in which I need to be on medication to make up for those silly chemicals, but sometimes I just cant help but to think I don't need them. Yes, I have the stereotypical thought that medication keeps you from just BEING you. To feel the way you're supposed to, the way you were born, or the way your body and mind has learned to be. The stereotypical thought that you don't need these pills because it's making you worse, or not benefiting you in any way. But of course you have thousands of studies showing you that yes, these pills do indeed help you. They fill in those gaps. So is this what "normal" is supposed to feel like?
There are things that I have kept from my therapists and psychiatrist (throughout the years) simply because I know that they will want to put me on more medication. More pills. More chemicals. Necessary? Probably. Worth it? Probably not. I may have been cut from the wrong dough, but I am not crazy, okay?
The day I went in to see my psychiatrist about coming off of Lamictal, he instead wanted to add an antidepressant. I told him about the short term memory and how bad it can get and he stated that depression can have deep impacts on short term memory and brain fog. And since my Lamictal hasn't helped with the depression, he thought it might be a better idea to ADD an antidepressant to see if that would take care of the depression, which in turn would help with my short term memory. Two birds with one stone. He told me to think about it and I left the appointment. That was a couple months ago I believe.
If I told my therapist and psychiatrist the things I SHOULD be telling them, I'd only be on more medication which is what I want to steer clear of. I have a lot of doubts about medication. I do. I wish I didn't. I wish I could be totally pro-medication. But am unfortunately one of those idiots who believe that "you are the way you are" "you shouldn't cover up your feelings with a bandage" "you should FEEL fully and entirely" I am I am I am.
And that is where the saying, "It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply" fits so well.
This medication is tricky, because if I want to get off of it, the risk for Steven's Johnson Syndrome increases, alongside developing seizures as it treats epilepsy too. Even if I am not epileptic and have never had a seizure before, I can still develop seizures. And if later on I change my mind and say, "Okay this medication actually really does help me, can I go back on," the risk of SJS and seizures increases yet again. At least that's what my doc says. Risky risky risky.
My soul journey is moving forward. I'm moving with it this time. I don't want anything to hold me back. So I'm not going to let it. I don't know if this medication is a hindrance or a liberation. It doesn't feel liberating. Of course it's not a cure-all! But I am tired of feeling so down, especially when life is good.
I know that medication can be extremely helpful to many, many people. The medications I have tried have failed me, maybe I haven't found the right one. But who wants to go through trial and error for years on end? Adding new chemicals, taking them away, trying new chemical, taking them away, over and over till your brain is literally mush and falling out your ears and eyes. Guhhh. Blah blah, and whatever.
This isn't my greatest written post, I am just so uninspired and tired. Not going to spell-check.
I love you all. Stay strong all you beautiful, sunshine-y people!