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Showing posts from 2016

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Honey Sunshine Chai Tea Warm Milk

Pile of Sweater

Everything has fallen apart. The sweater that was unraveling, the one I kept holding together, has fallen through my hands. I loved that fucking sweater. Just a pile of string on the floor now. I can see what it used to be but I never really learned to crochet! I can't fucking fix this!! And I'm scared. Scared to be living in the United States of Fucking Hypocrisy. Scared to be alone. Scared to feel more pain. The cat is projectile vomiting on the rug and she's already skin and bones. I'm trying to submerge myself in the music because I know what happens when you submerge yourself in the darkness. But is this really happening?? Can't I make it all stop? Swollen eyes every day. Headache a quarter after one. Fear of the night time. Just wanna drink and pretend that everything isn't so bad. "Yeah we're good." Swig. Smile. Swig. Smile. Swig. Smile. There's more I'd like to say, and I am confined. The things I thought were impossible

Honey Sunshine Chai Tea Warm Milk

Last night I was watching my son sleep peacefully. The purple and orange Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling, shining down on his perfect, small, comfortable body; his small breaths; his little but strong chest moving up and then down. And I lie there with him, staring in wonder. A feeling of uneasiness settled in too. Worried. This little boy will continue to grow bigger and bigger, older and older, venturing out into the unknown. Staring down at his little neck that was openly tempting me to kiss it all over, not wanting to wake him. And I thought of his future girlfriend, or his wife, and thought: "How lucky she will be. THE luckiest girl in the world. To be able to kiss THAT neck. So passionately. Hold him dearly. Kiss him sweetly. Run her fingers through his hair. Caress his incredibly soft skin." And each time I thought these things, my tummy got warmer. My heart fluttered. Thinking of how he smells of honey and sunshine. Chai tea and warm milk. I realized th

Chaotic Nothingness

so tired of being hungry and not being able to eat anything. holding my breath waiting for you to speak up say what you want. i'm at a loss for words. confused in the chaos my fucking brain shoves in my face smearing it can't breathe the chaos is filling up my nostrils flaring stuck ears muffled by it the goop in my eyes cant open them or close them they just are. the putty spilling out of my mouth stuck in my throat gagging grasping my stomach holding it tight everything hurts i just want to hear it so say it! say something before i implode

Life Update!

Just wanted to share my latest video with you all! I have a new one coming up soon. Been editing it in small parts, but keep your eye open on YouTube and don't forget to subscribe!!!! Latest Video!

The Laundry

She walks off the elevator and takes a left. Walking down that same blueish-grey hallway, cold concrete floor, wondering who could possibly live in the basement. There was an apartment number down there! It gave her shivers every time she was next to it, as if she could feel someone looking at her through the peephole. Trying to shake the thought from her mind, she unlocks the glass door and walks cautiously into the laundry room. Alone. Again. Quiet. All the mailboxes in a long line, stacked upon each other; their silvery doors. She liked trying to memorize the apartment numbers. She huffed. "Okay, fine, I'll do it..." She sighed to herself, pulling the load of laundry beside her. Which washer should I choose this time? She liked to rotate the order, so every washer got a chance to be used. She grabbed the coin purse off the top of the pile of clothes and shook em just to hear the sound they made for her. Smiling. "Thank you for letting me to be


where have i gone? what happened am i not meant to fly or run i sit in one place in my life one place why do i care? i have everything i asked for and my brain is plagued plagued plagued plagued wont leave me alone wont leave me satisfied never fucking satisfied temporarily happy angry sad pissed off scratching my eyes out those fucking butterflies how good they make me feel how they destroy my whole everything never trust the butterflies fucking fish bait glue me to the fucking floor i dont even know who i am anymore i would call my therapist but they're closed tired of being afraid tired of being sorry these wings hurt from being so unused.


its like walking back and forth. pacing. yes. no. overfuckingjoyed. madness. red anger. simple sadness. having two bodies within one. they hate each other. i just want love.  pure. happy. loneliness bubble. and im stuck but im not. trying to burst it with my unheard screams. laughing piercing. holding hands. walking forever. on my knees begging. not being heard. am i really that quiet? "yes i'm braking at the seams just like you" she knows my heart. trip-hopping through life. alone. alone. satisfaction never satisfied. kicked on the floor. always cutting the ropes. new change of scenery only when i close my eyes and dream. restless. think. thinking. smiling. flowers and butterflies. struck by lightening. filled with hot electricity. can't you feel my power? i want to hold hands forever. shit-storm. running. running far. tripping over myself. "please could you stay awhile to share my grief." see, she gets it. don't you r

Are You Unhappy?

Copied and Pasted from my email because that's where I wrote this. But this is what I talked about in my YouTube video and I wanted to post those words here for you all as well to get a better, clearer understanding since I tend to ramble. But wallah! At last, you can read it here! Please, if you haven't already....GO to my YouTube Channel and WATCH my videos! I know they are not of the best quality, but I gotta work with what I've got! (iPhone)... Follow my blog! Subscribe to my channel! If you like what you see, tell me by sharing! Love you all! It's hard to be positive when everyone around you is negative all the time. Negativity is contagious...but you know what? So is positivity! So what makes people so unhappy? What IS unhappiness?? What REALLY sets us up for unhappiness? two things: Expectations vs. reality. We are unhappy when we realize that our standards for the world and our place in the world, are much further away than expected.

I Love You All

For those of you who aren't completely sure what my YouTube Channel is all about, it is a place where I come to speak of many things. Almost like my blog! But now you all can really meet me! No, this channel will not replace my blog, as there are some things I'm just not ready to open up about on camera, but feel safe to do so here. (And I appreciate that, guys. So thank YOU). Anyway, I am trying to inform people about mental health; specifically Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and once I learn more about others, I'll share those with you too! I also wanted to make sure that Mental Health was not ALL I spoke of... I wanted to talk about new motherhood, being a birth mom vs. being a step mom, staying positive, being a good person, staying strong, and probably rants as well, because let's face it, I have shit to talk about. So yeah, sounds a lot like my blog right? I am not entirely sure where this YouTube Channel will head. But I DO know that it will head somewhere

Strength & Understanding

Whenever I go through my old journals, the ones I have had since 4th grade and above, it makes me feel like I've lived forever. You know how people say, "I think children should go through hardship when they're growing up, because it makes them stronger people"? Okay I can understand that, I DO understand that! But really, do children really NEED hardship? In order to make them stronger people, capable of handling life and people, and society? I talked about this yesterday with M. For me, going through the things I went through as a child and a teenager, definitely did make me who I am. Obviously. That's how life works. But there's more to that!!! And I am one to understand people better, I am one to help people more because of that understanding. Honestly, I don't think if I hadn't of gone through life the way I did, that I'd be good at understanding other people and the things they go through. Understanding . Like a therapist who has ne

Welcome My YouTube Channel!

Alright, so I did it. I am a new YouTuber, so why not show me some love and check out my channel! Subscribe and share too if you're feeling extra love-y today (; YouTube Channel: Bella Ezra

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

And I used to think she was beautiful. Wanted to make her proud. But now all I see are the demons inside her. Her hateful gaze, igniting every single cell of my being on fire. Her strong legs, her flying hair, her cruel words slithering in my mind. I was entranced by her delicate, intricate web. How it seemed to sparkle in the dark. And just like that, she killed me. Sank her fangs into my fragile soul. Sucked every ounce of hope, the fierce love I had, and all that was inside of me, right out. Laughing while she did it. Her beauty is nothing now. I'm tired of trying to make her proud. When her name is spoken, I feel like dying inside. She makes me feel like dying.

Too Bright To See,Too Loud To Hear

This music video is still so beautiful to me from the first time I ever saw it in December of 2010. Gives me chills. And it's pretty rare to find music that talks to your soul, makes you feel . This is one of them. I'm not gunna lie, the first time I saw this music video, I cried. And every once in awhile when I actually feel like listening to Underoath, and this song comes on, I still cry. Enjoy... Good God, if Your song leaves our lips If Your work leaves our hands Then we will be wanderers and vagabonds They will stare and say how empty we are How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men Let us be cold, make us weak Let us because we all have ears Let us because we all have eyes Good God How they knew that this would happen' They knew, they knew that this would How they knew that this would happen' They knew, they knew that this would (We're so run down) How they knew that this would happen' They knew, the

Don't Tease Me Like That!

I keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But the further and further I walk, the more I just feel like it's getting further and further away from me. And I have moments where that light seems to become a little bigger, and a little brighter. Then, almost as if it knows I'm trying to grasp it, it moves back. Slipping further away in my vision. I'm gasping for air. My muscles are tired. My eyes are weak from the constant squinting. I'm scared of the dark. Is that something to be ashamed of? When I try to be brave, it all blows up in my face. I just want to be brave. I just want to be strong. I just want to be happy.

The Tears Are Not Worth The Wait

Current Mood: I've got a friend with a melody that will kill She'll eat you alive Like cyanide... it's poison She'll eat you alive Don't you battle we'll kill you We'll rip you up and tear you in two Don't you battle we'll kill you We'll rip you up and tear you in two Don't you battle we'll kill you We'll rip you up and tear you in two Only in the sound of the voices I scream I heard my name Now I'm gone Tell me what I did You saw me standing on my lone mountain, Dare me play Not to put it off The tears are not worth the wait Your loveliness Is so worth it (so worth it) You're another one In a long long time, Wrestling people for peace Wrestling people for peace Only in the sound of the voices I scream Only in the sound of your voice did I scream Only in the sound of the voices I scream... I make room for everyone I make room for everyone I need to take a break!!! Do you wanna look in my mind, Open up and see what you f

The Red Balloon with The Silvery Ribbon

She grabs tightly to the long, silvery ribbon of her bright Red Balloon . And off she goes. Higher and higher into the billowy clouds. Looking down, she waves goodbye to the world below her, smiling. Laughing. Overjoyed at the feeling these heights give her. The Red Balloon carries her far. Showing her things she's never seen before.  Brilliant cities below her. Tall, green sequoias.  Long, flowing rivers that sweep the leaves away in autumn. Red Balloon makes her feel loved. Makes her feel alive. Tempts her into all of the amazing wonders of the world. Showing her the shiny people with smiling faces. God, how she loves them. They wave to her as she floats by. Her long, brown hair, slipping across her neck; dancing in the wind behind her. Absolute euphoria. Her loving heart beats faster up in these starry skies, making music like the hooves of a horse as it runs free in the open country.  The Red Balloon takes her higher, the stars seeming

An Empty Cavern

She opens her eyes and the water encases her naked body like fluid concrete.  The arms of the water pulling her deeper into her heavy, hollow surroundings. "I've been here before." she thought to herself. Eyes frozen open. She could start to see the beginnings of her deep, cimmerian monster; coming towards her from the deepest part of the sea. "he's here for me." she panicked. the long, spindly tentacles moved mechanically up towards her frozen body; a hissing sound piercing the water, echoing through her frozen ears. Sinking deeper, she felt her heart begin to race. He almost has her. She tried to close her eyes, she tried to swim away, but she was helpless. In a trance. Frozen in time. A deep, dingy tentacle swirled around her torso. "no..." she thought. His grip tightened. He pulled her in, down towards his distorted face. "you are mine..." he hissed. but the words muffled through her ears. Her racing he

Keepin' It Real

WARNING: SEMI-GRAPHIC IMAGES BELOW. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, THIS POST IS NOT FOR YOU. OR IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH BUT STILL WANT TO LOOK, GO AHEAD, YOU WEIRDO. Two days ago my Dog Baby, Hershey, was attacked by another neighbor dog. Hershey is a ten year old Yorkshire Terrier/Chihuahua mix. So he is small and very non-aggressive. His back had a huge gash in it and needed emergency surgery. Fifteen stitches. Two big bites, tearing my dog up. He's back home now in recovery. And I'm pissed off. I'm pissed of because I did find out who's dog did this, and unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. Legally. ;) The morning that Hershey got attacked, I let him outside to go potty and he wandered away. I figured he just went to his normal yard spot in our old neighbors backyard, so I went back inside to collect me and David's things. And that's when M comes in all freaked out with Hershey in his arms. Hershey had wandered into one of our neighbors yard and th