HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Pile of Sweater

Everything has fallen apart. The sweater that was unraveling, the one I kept holding together, has fallen through my hands. I loved that fucking sweater. Just a pile of string on the floor now. I can see what it used to be but I never really learned to crochet! I can't fucking fix this!!
And I'm scared. Scared to be living in the United States of Fucking Hypocrisy.
Scared to be alone. Scared to feel more pain.
The cat is projectile vomiting on the rug and she's already skin and bones.
I'm trying to submerge myself in the music because I know what happens when you submerge yourself in the darkness.
But is this really happening??
Can't I make it all stop?
Swollen eyes every day. Headache a quarter after one. Fear of the night time.
Just wanna drink and pretend that everything isn't so bad.
"Yeah we're good." Swig. Smile. Swig. Smile. Swig. Smile.
There's more I'd like to say, and I am confined.
The things I thought were impossible have revealed themselves as possible and I am stunned. Carving my heart out. Pressing my salty hand on the opening in my chest.
And the fucked up thing is...I've been holding my hand there for a long time. The burning never goes away.
The blood won't clot. "Stop!!!"
I guess I did always say, "Anything is possible!"
But this? No..
No no no..
And yet, all that's left is the dust.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Honey Sunshine Chai Tea Warm Milk

Last night I was watching my son sleep peacefully. The purple and orange Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling, shining down on his perfect, small, comfortable body; his small breaths; his little but strong chest moving up and then down.
And I lie there with him, staring in wonder. A feeling of uneasiness settled in too. Worried. This little boy will continue to grow bigger and bigger, older and older, venturing out into the unknown.
Staring down at his little neck that was openly tempting me to kiss it all over, not wanting to wake him.
And I thought of his future girlfriend, or his wife, and thought:
"How lucky she will be. THE luckiest girl in the world. To be able to kiss THAT neck. So passionately. Hold him dearly. Kiss him sweetly. Run her fingers through his hair. Caress his incredibly soft skin."
And each time I thought these things, my tummy got warmer. My heart fluttered.
Thinking of how he smells of honey and sunshine. Chai tea and warm milk.
I realized then, that it was me who was the luckiest woman in the world. And his wife or girlfriend or whoever, would only be second luckiest.
Because no matter what, I'll always remember him as THIS. And I'll have watched him throughout the years and know that he is my son who always, if you closed your eyes while you lie next to him sleeping, immersed yourself in a field of wildflowers with the sun shining down on you both, hearing the hum of the honeybees. The sweet, warm breeze flowing through your body. THAT is my son.

And all these years I have with him, I will be able to kiss that neck. I can hold him dearly and kiss him sweetly on the lips as he dreams, keeping those nasty nightmares away. I will run my fingers through his hair when he is feeling sick or upset. And caress his soft, warm skin when he is feeling sleepy.
And that makes me, truly, the luckiest girl in the world.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Chaotic Nothingness

so tired of being hungry
and not being able to eat anything.
holding my breath
waiting for you to speak up
say what you want.
i'm at a loss for words.
confused in the chaos my fucking brain shoves in my face
smearing it
can't breathe
the chaos is filling up my nostrils
ears muffled by it
the goop in my eyes
cant open them or close them
they just are.
the putty spilling out of my mouth
stuck in my throat
grasping my stomach
holding it tight
everything hurts
i just want to hear it
so say it!
say something before i implode

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Life Update!

Just wanted to share my latest video with you all! I have a new one coming up soon. Been editing it in small parts, but keep your eye open on YouTube and don't forget to subscribe!!!!

Latest Video!

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Laundry

She walks off the elevator and takes a left.
Walking down that same blueish-grey hallway, cold concrete floor, wondering who could possibly live in the basement.
There was an apartment number down there!
It gave her shivers every time she was next to it, as if she could feel someone looking at her through the peephole.
Trying to shake the thought from her mind, she unlocks the glass door and walks cautiously into the laundry room.

Alone. Again. Quiet.

All the mailboxes in a long line, stacked upon each other; their silvery doors.
She liked trying to memorize the apartment numbers.

She huffed.

"Okay, fine, I'll do it..." She sighed to herself, pulling the load of laundry beside her.

Which washer should I choose this time?

She liked to rotate the order, so every washer got a chance to be used.
She grabbed the coin purse off the top of the pile of clothes and shook em just to hear the sound they made for her. Smiling.

"Thank you for letting me to be able to wash these clothes, Little Quarters!" She was proud of them.

One, two, three, four, five quarters slip perfectly into the slot and fall harshly into that empty metal box.

"Make sure it's on cold!" Her mother would always remind her.

"I knowww..." She'd respond.

She liked filling the soap lid with the goopy, blue detergent. She'd do it so slow that it almost looked like it was falling in slow motion.
Pouring it into the running water, watching the bubbles start to form, she puts in item after item; making sure they are thoroughly drowning in the water, making her hands cold.

She sighs and closes the lid, which accidentally slips from her grip and slams against the metal opening and fills the empty concrete room with a startling BANG!
Her heart skipping a beat, and than racing for a few more seconds following.
The washer goes into full, washing mode.
When it starts to rock back and forth, when it wanted to break free from this horrid basement it seemed, was her cue to go peruse the "Free Table."
It was her favorite part about doing laundry.
She almost always found something she'd hold near and dear to her heart.
Jewelry, books, clothes, CD's...it was awesome!
This time she only found a few goofy looking earrings that you snap on over your ears. Old people wear them all the time.

"Dammit!" She walked back over the angry washer.

She leaned on the lid with her head cupped in her hand, watching the glowing, blue-green numbers in the time box count down the minutes.




She was still alone.

With the quiet mailboxes and empty dryers. The empty basement with the creepy storage units. That creepy basement apartment...
There were small windows you could look out of too.
But it always felt like someone was staring down through them, looking at her little body.
She shivered and tried to think of something else.

Counting mailboxes.
Looking back over at the time left on the washer.




God, finally!

"I wonder what my mom is doing." She thought to herself.

"Tomorrow, I'm gunna go sit out in the grass. Maybe I'll take my turtle with me too so he can get some exercise. Not that he's fat or anything like that, but I bet he likes to feel the sunshine on his back too!" She was excited for tomorrow to come.

The washer finally calmed down and she could tell it was tired. How could you not be? All that work!
She opened the lid carefully, so as not to drop it like last time and scare the shit outta her.

Looking over at the dryers lined up against the wall, she decided to go with the middle one. Again, she liked giving all the washers and dryers a chance. The middle one's turn was up.

Again, pulling the coin purse from out of the laundry basket, she gives em a little shake to wake them up for their weekly duty.

"Wake up! Wake up! It is time Little Quarters!" She giggled.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five more quarters into that little slot.
She transferred the clothes sloppily from the washer to the dryer, dropping a few socks and T-shirts along the way.
At this point, she just wanted to go lay down in her nice, tall, cozy loft bed.
She was outgrowing it and had to be careful to not wake up too fast and smack her head on the ceiling.
But she loved her bed. Always.

She sat up on top of the dryer and pressed start.


She loved how warm the dryer made her body. It rocked her just a little bit too. It was comforting. The little rhythms it made.

Now she had time to ponder on things.
Her feelings on certain subjects.
She wanted to read. Quietly. Peacefully in her bed. All night long.
Become friends with all her favorite characters. Live their lives. Just for a day.

She loved her imagination.


She hummed some lyrics from one of the songs her mom was playing by, The Shins.
She dreaded having to go to school on Monday. She hated it because her only real friend was her teacher.
That's how it was every year...
She knew to get close to the teachers. And she loved them all. What they gave her. What they taught her.
Sometimes during lunch, she'd play on the swings. The whole time. She loved how it felt like she could fly. Leaning back in her swing and seeing that big blue sky flow in her vision, those butterflies getting her stomach. She liked that feeling.


Then she imagined her mother's hair. The way it fell in her face. Or how it smelled when she walked by.
She loved when her mom would wake up. And her hair would be beautifully messy. And she always smelled like copper sunshine.
And the way her hands felt. So soft, and they were elegant looking.
She stared down at her own hands and imagined her hands as her mothers and smiled.

She remembered a time when she was little and her mother was doing laundry. She was looking up at her quizzically.

"Mom?" She said shyly.

"Mhmm.." Her mom replied, putting the newly washed clothes into the dryer.

"How old are you, mom?" She asked.

"Twenty-eight.Why?" She laughed.


She climbed off the dryer and brought the laundry basket closer to her. Made sure the detergent and dryer sheets-

"Crap! I forgot to use a dryer sheet!!" She exclaimed.

Sigh... "maybe she won't know I forgot."

She pulled open the dryer and grabbed as many clothes as she could and stuffed them into the basket.

"I'll fold them upstairs."

Everything was clean and ready to go.
But there was always one thing she never forgot to do:

Check every washer and dryer for lost quarters.

All four dryers were empty.
Three out of the four washers had three quarters in total.

"Yes!!!" She was excited.

Sometimes, she'd secretly sneak a couple quarters from the coin purse and add them to her new-found quarters so that she could grab something from the vending machine on her way back upstairs.
This time she had just enough to buy some Gobstoppers.

She booked it down the creepy hallway, and stood directly in front of the vending machine, scanning for the Gobstoppers.

"Ah-ha!" Gotcha.

One. Two. Three. Four quarters in the perfect little slot.

The black metal coiled itself out and down dropped her candy. She hid them in her pajamas and turned to her right to press the button to go back up.

The elevators were ancient, it seemed. Sometimes when she got on, she was nervous that it would get stuck and she'd have to climb out from the top and somehow make it up the rest of the way. Dark and creepy, old elevator shaft. More shivers.
The elevators doors opened for her and dared her anyway.

"Okay, elevator, be nice to me tonight." She was strict about it.

She pulled the laundry basked behind her and into the elevator, as it's old door slowly closed her in.

Sunday, September 11, 2016


where have i gone?
what happened
am i not meant to fly
or run
i sit in one place in my life
one place
why do i care?
i have everything i asked for
and my brain is plagued
plagued plagued plagued
wont leave me alone
wont leave me satisfied
never fucking satisfied
temporarily happy
pissed off
scratching my eyes out
those fucking butterflies
how good they make me feel
how they destroy my whole everything
never trust the butterflies
fucking fish bait
glue me to the fucking floor
i dont even know who i am anymore
i would call my therapist but they're closed
tired of being afraid
tired of being sorry
these wings hurt
from being so unused.


its like walking back and forth. pacing. yes. no.
overfuckingjoyed. madness. red anger.
simple sadness.
having two bodies within one.
they hate each other.
i just want love. 
pure. happy.
loneliness bubble. and im stuck but im not.
trying to burst it with
my unheard screams.
holding hands.
walking forever.
on my knees begging.
not being heard.
am i really that quiet?
"yes i'm braking at the seams just like you"
she knows my heart.
trip-hopping through life. alone. alone.
satisfaction never satisfied.
kicked on the floor.
always cutting the ropes.
new change of scenery only when i close my eyes and dream.
smiling. flowers and butterflies.
struck by lightening. filled with hot electricity.
can't you feel my power?
i want to hold hands forever.
running. running far. tripping over myself.
"please could you stay awhile to share my grief."
see, she gets it.
don't you realize what we are?
just hold my fucking hand.
call my name.
look at me.
look at me.
as if seeing a billion shooting stars fly though the sky.
i want to feel good.
make me feel good.
really good.
didn't know i was falling this whole time.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Are You Unhappy?

Copied and Pasted from my email because that's where I wrote this. But this is what I talked about in my YouTube video and I wanted to post those words here for you all as well to get a better, clearer understanding since I tend to ramble. But wallah! At last, you can read it here! Please, if you haven't already....GO to my YouTube Channel and WATCH my videos! I know they are not of the best quality, but I gotta work with what I've got! (iPhone)...
Follow my blog! Subscribe to my channel!
If you like what you see, tell me by sharing!
Love you all!

It's hard to be positive when everyone around you is negative all the time.
Negativity is contagious...but you know what? So is positivity!

So what makes people so unhappy? What IS unhappiness?? What REALLY sets us up for unhappiness?

two things:

Expectations vs. reality.

We are unhappy when we realize that our standards for the world and our place in the world, are much further away than expected. We may not realize how hard the goal was actually going to be or maybe it's taking loner than you thought.
We set up too high of standards and expectations for ourselves that most of the time, somewhere in the middle we start to doubt ourselves, and some us just give up entirely. We end up disappointing ourselves that way.. 
We let ourselves down. We made unrealistic goals and ideals! And why do we do that?

That's where You vs. Society comes in to play.

We are always asking ourselves:

Where are we going? What are we doing? What are we SUPPOSED to do?
And the reality of it is: WE don't know! And NOBODY DOES!
We don't know because expectations are constantly changing, or evolving. Standards reach another, higher level, so we are always asking, "am i there yet?" "Am I good enough?"
And those are negative thoughts...negative thoughts lead to unhappiness.

We all react to how we think society THINKS we should react. Or how we think society's standards are, based on what media shows us. all of it! We compare certain situations that are going on in our life to those situations that other people go through in their lives, and how THEY react to them.

Which is, again, unrealistic.

THAT is You vs. Society. Who you are as a person, VS. unrealistic ideals, expectations, and standards. We can achieve expectations! We can meet the standards of society! But like I said, those ideals, those standards, those expectations are always going to change. You'll be asked of something bigger and better every time. And it will go on like this forever!!! That's just life! 

So how are we as people? Well, no matter how we feel about situations, or society, ideals, goals, etc., we always have those outside influences around us. And most of us take a little of both. The expectations vs. reality, and the you vs. society. And this is what makes us lost inside. We have no real US. Well, we do, but it's just hiding down inside us. Afraid to come out.

We are always so unsure of ourselves. We have such little confidence in ourselves and the things we do, mostly because of those unrealistic ideals that society and media show us.

But check this out: no one has a clue in where they're going, no one really has full confidence, no matter what their status.
And that is NORMAL! There is no road map of life. No one knows the future. You can plan all you want, and that is fine! It's great to have plans! But keeping in mind that things are constantly changing is what's most healthy for you.

If you're sitting up in bed late at night, or sitting at the bus stop and your mind is so worried about whatever ideal, goal, plan, whatever you have set in your head that you might not be achieving at the time, can make you feel very hopeless, or like you're not good enough. You're not trying hard enough. It should be done already! Which are all negative feelings of course, and negative feelings lead to unhappiness. 
However, having those fears in the back of your mind, also reminds us to be more reasonable with the ideal we set up.

Finding that balance of reasoning with your ideals, and staying positive, is where it gets complicated.

It's all about altering the reflection of your perception. How you see yourself. To the core.
If you are perceiving yourself in a negative way, you will perceive the world, and your unmet ideals or standards in a negative way.

When you look at yourself in the mirror and see nothing but your "flaws," how are you supposed to go through life positively? TRY altering that reflection...Adjust that perception and things start to look better. Seriously!

We need to realize that both the good and the bad moments we are CURRENTLY experiencing, both push us forward and hold us back. Temporarily.
The bad moments send us into a negative state of mind. Temporarily. But we can choose what we take from that to move us forward in a positive direction. To learn and accept and move on, hopefully in a positive way. Again, changing that perspective.

A spouse passes away. You're in shock. And then you go through your own grieving process. You WILL feel unhappy. You WILL feel negative thoughts. You might lose hope in everything.
But ultimately, it's up yo YOU  to decide to hold on to that hope and that strength. And you can move forward. And it will take time be positive about life without your spouse or whatever it may be. 

But it is not impossible. It is ultimately up to you!

As for the good moments we are CURRENTLY experiencing, those can push us forward AND hold us back at the same time. It can boost our confidence and make us strive to keep going and be better. Or it can hold us back due to apprehension, worries, fear that this good moment will only last a small moment. And that is true! But just like how you experience the bad moments, it's up to you to choose how to react!
Don't expect it to last forever. But be confident, savor the good moment. Dwell in that experience. 
Or you can be fearful. And keep yourself restrained. And expect life to always "do that to you."

Imagine if we were able to live more in the moment, to savor life as it is happening RIGHT NOW, living life would be a whole lot simpler. Because we wouldn't be so focused on past regrets and traumatic events, or our future fears.
We need to realize how to embrace the "NOW" moments.
But that's easier said than done!

Not everyone can do this sort of thing. It's even hard for me! My mind is always thinking thinking thinking. Non-stop. And that makes it hard to just BE. And lots of people are the same way
But that doesn't make it impossible.

Like you have heard, "True happiness lies within."
And I can't begin to say how true this really is.
And that is really is THAT simple!

So basically, what I'm trying to say is: unhappiness is inevitable. It will happen! Just as happiness will happen. But there are ways to lessen the feelings of unhappiness. Ways to work through it and LEARN from those moments!

You will see the world, you will see humanity, only as you see yourself.
Change that! Compliment yourself! You are a beautiful, wonderful, amazing human being. You are! And you have to believe that, no matter what society tells you. 
Pay no mind to society's expectations of you, as it's all a bunch of bullshit.

Don't set unreasonable ideals or goals or dreams or whatever you want to call it. You know your limits. 

Don't look too far into the future.

Don't assume things! Assumptions only lead to deception. Disappointment, anger, hostility. And you don't even know the situation!

Negative feelings result in unhappiness. Simple as that.

REACT differently. CHANGE your perception.

Start out your day with positivity. 

Be patient...

And most of all, trust yourself.

Try waking up and go through one hour of no complaining. Thinking nothing but positive thoughts. Say something nice about yourself. Compliment another person!
Make a good breakfast savor each bite. And see if you can make that hour last another.
It may seem easy. But it really does take a lot of effort. Just start with that.

These types of Try-THIS-And-You'll-Find-Happiness things alone, don't guarantee you to find yourself and the happiness inside you. It all depends on the kind of person you are. You have to be a willing human being. You have to WANT.

When it comes to unhappy people, there's only so much you can do to help or to teach. But in the end, it's up to them to WANT to be a better person.

I said this in one of my blog posts: You can't ask someone to tie their shoes if they don't want to.

And like I've mentioned in my previous video, being in tune with yourself, coming to self-realization, helps you to find that true happiness. Because happiness really does lie within.
BE in tune! BE happy!


Tuesday, September 6, 2016

My Apologies

You know that thing called Writers Block? Welcome to my current situation!

Sunday, August 28, 2016

I Love You All

For those of you who aren't completely sure what my YouTube Channel is all about, it is a place where I come to speak of many things. Almost like my blog! But now you all can really meet me! No, this channel will not replace my blog, as there are some things I'm just not ready to open up about on camera, but feel safe to do so here. (And I appreciate that, guys. So thank YOU).
Anyway, I am trying to inform people about mental health; specifically Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and once I learn more about others, I'll share those with you too! I also wanted to make sure that Mental Health was not ALL I spoke of...
I wanted to talk about new motherhood, being a birth mom vs. being a step mom, staying positive, being a good person, staying strong, and probably rants as well, because let's face it, I have shit to talk about.
So yeah, sounds a lot like my blog right?
I am not entirely sure where this YouTube Channel will head. But I DO know that it will head somewhere great.
And maybe I will inspire people. Teach them to be courageous. Strong. Selfless.
And more OPEN with one another!
I want to help people. NEED to help people...
It's just in my nature. So if this channel can help do that, then I will be one happy girl.
I want everyone to be okay.
Yes, I know life doesn't work that way, but at least I shared my hope, understanding, acceptance, and strength with you all. And you can take it or leave it! But honestly, who would choose to not take those things and keep them with them at all times? Even when times are tough. And horrible. And ugly.
Because we all know that those times are when we need it most.
I love you all. Each one of you matter! You ARE here!!!

My YouTube Channel!


Monday, August 22, 2016

Strength & Understanding

Whenever I go through my old journals, the ones I have had since 4th grade and above, it makes me feel like I've lived forever.
You know how people say, "I think children should go through hardship when they're growing up, because it makes them stronger people"?
Okay I can understand that, I DO understand that! But really, do children really NEED hardship? In order to make them stronger people, capable of handling life and people, and society?
I talked about this yesterday with M.
For me, going through the things I went through as a child and a teenager, definitely did make me who I am. Obviously. That's how life works. But there's more to that!!!
And I am one to understand people better, I am one to help people more because of that understanding.
Honestly, I don't think if I hadn't of gone through life the way I did, that I'd be good at understanding other people and the things they go through. Understanding.
Like a therapist who has never been through anything, has no mental illness of their own. They might be able to help you out from what they went to school for, what they studied and learned.
But will they ever truly understand?
I do not think so. Because it's true! You can't fully understand something if you, yourself, haven't gone through that something, or know it from the inside out because you experienced it.
But "kids should go through hardship?" No!
Kids should be kids.
Kids shouldn't have to worry about the outside world until they are more aware of the outside world.
Kids shouldn't grow up afraid of people!
Yes, the world can be a very scary place, and full of people who only care about themselves, who will walk all over you every chance they get.
But what good does that give to a child? Them knowing these things at such a young age...
This is a tricky subject though.
Because for you to be an understanding person, you have to know what it's really like. Whatever it may be.
You may have sympathy for others, but not empathy.
A person who went to school to become a great psychotherapist who grew up with the perfect life, maybe a few times where they felt sad for some reason, will treat you with sympathy.
But I don't see how a kid who goes through the divorce of his parents, or maybe one of his siblings hates him his whole life and he feels useless and unwanted, can make a person stronger in the long run; compared to a kid who had a loving, stable family his whole life.
I think it's all about how you choose to react to whatever is happening in your life. Good or bad!
I could have gone the opposite direction with things. I could have became an alcoholic, or a coke addict. And I could have had no sympathy or empathy for anyone. I could have become a very selfish person. And was just one of those people who walked all over others, any chance I could get. And blame it all on "my hardships."
And someone who grew up in the perfect household, who didn't have anything to worry about, with a loving family and good friends, might choose to rebel against all of that.
But in the end, it's all about HOW you CHOOSE to react. Reaction is what makes you able to understand. Because you can react the wrong way, which will, in turn, become a learning lesson. Taking your childhood, and learning from it, whether it was good or bad!
Whether a kid grows up painfully or not, it's all about the person. Who YOU are deep down inside.
Where you decide which direction to take.
I don't believe children deserve to have their childhood taken from them. Their innocence. Shoving them into the "adult" world.
It is the most pure thing a person can have. Their innocence...
And draining their innocence from them to make them a "stronger" person is cruel. And I think that there is something wrong with you if you believe that the only way to make a person strong is to snatch their innocence from their very souls. Because that is what happens! Whether you intentionally take a child's innocence away from them or not, maybe you should think about something other than yourself and not even risk the chance.
I think you can also be a good person and not be totally understanding of things. Just like you can be a bad person and be a very understanding person simultaneously.
Like I said, it's how you choose to react to your childhood.
I had a hard childhood, most people do. But I chose to take that and make it into something great. So that I can help people. And I can understand them. But will I ever fully understand someone? I haven't been through absolutely everything!!! I can only understand the things I have been through myself. And the rest I can have sympathy for. That's how it is with anyone, no matter HOW they grew up!!!
But does that make me a stronger person? I don't feel strong...in most cases, I feel like I am weaker than most! But I can say that I am always willing to be a helpful person. In any way I can. If I can put a spark in people, make them see that life isn't out to get you, then I'd say that's a good start. Maybe if people's spark wasn't blown out when they were children, we wouldn't have to try so hard to make people want to live. And know that they really are here for a reason!
That is strength above all.
Understanding and being a strong person are two different things.
Either way, no, I don't agree at all that in order for you to be a strong person, that you have to have a hard time growing up.
Have you ever thought about the fact that the child who goes through a terrible childhood can ALSO turn into a terrible, sociopathic, anger issued, raging serial killer?!
Okay, so they're strong. And they're strong enough to hold women down.
And strong enough to suppress their feelings.
And strong enough to pull the trigger. Or open a pill jar.
If you wanna CHOOSE whether to raise a child like a child, a bully, a boss; or to raise your child like a respectful adult, who cares, and supports, and LOVES....I mean, is that really such a hard decision??
Would I have been greatful to not have gone through what I did? Of course!
But I am also grateful for the life I did have...because I chose to be greatful.
I HATE my past. Hate! H-A-T-E!!!!!
I don't think my "up-bringing" made me a strong person.
Life throws things at you. And you react. And you learn. It's simple as that.

"Only when a man is safely ensconced under six feet of earth with several tons of enlauding granite upon his chest, is he in a position to give advice with any certainty, and then he is silent."
-Edward Newton 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Welcome My YouTube Channel!

Alright, so I did it. I am a new YouTuber, so why not show me some love and check out my channel! Subscribe and share too if you're feeling extra love-y today (;

Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

And I used to think she was beautiful. Wanted to make her proud.
But now all I see are the demons inside her.
Her hateful gaze, igniting every single cell of my being on fire.
Her strong legs, her flying hair, her cruel words slithering in my mind.
I was entranced by her delicate, intricate web. How it seemed to sparkle in the dark.
And just like that, she killed me.
Sank her fangs into my fragile soul.
Sucked every ounce of hope, the fierce love I had, and all that was inside of me, right out.
Laughing while she did it.
Her beauty is nothing now. I'm tired of trying to make her proud.
When her name is spoken, I feel like dying inside.
She makes me feel like dying.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Too Bright To See,Too Loud To Hear

This music video is still so beautiful to me from the first time I ever saw it in December of 2010.
Gives me chills. And it's pretty rare to find music that talks to your soul, makes you feel.
This is one of them. I'm not gunna lie, the first time I saw this music video, I cried. And every once in awhile when I actually feel like listening to Underoath, and this song comes on, I still cry.

Good God, if Your song leaves our lips
If Your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wanderers and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men

Let us be cold, make us weak
Let us because we all have ears
Let us because we all have eyes
Good God

How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would
How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would

(We're so run down)
How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would
(We're so run down)
How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would

Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'

Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Still get us home

How can we still get home'
How can we still get home'
(I'm not dreaming)
How can we still get home'
How can we still get home'

We're forgetting our forgiveness
(We're forgetting our forgiveness)
We're forgetting our forgiveness
(We're forgetting our forgiveness)

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Don't Tease Me Like That!

I keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But the further and further I walk, the more I just feel like it's getting further and further away from me.
And I have moments where that light seems to become a little bigger, and a little brighter. Then, almost as if it knows I'm trying to grasp it, it moves back. Slipping further away in my vision.
I'm gasping for air. My muscles are tired. My eyes are weak from the constant squinting.
I'm scared of the dark.
Is that something to be ashamed of?
When I try to be brave, it all blows up in my face.
I just want to be brave. I just want to be strong. I just want to be happy.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Tears Are Not Worth The Wait

Current Mood:

I've got a friend with a melody that will kill
She'll eat you alive
Like cyanide... it's poison
She'll eat you alive
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two

Only in the sound of the voices I scream

I heard my name
Now I'm gone
Tell me what I did
You saw me standing on my lone mountain,
Dare me play
Not to put it off
The tears are not worth the wait
Your loveliness
Is so worth it (so worth it)
You're another one
In a long long time,
Wrestling people for peace
Wrestling people for peace

Only in the sound of the voices I scream
Only in the sound of your voice did I scream
Only in the sound of the voices I scream...

I make room for everyone
I make room for everyone
I need to take a break!!!

Do you wanna look in my mind,
Open up and see what you find
Holdin on to just what I wanted

It was just behind the door,
Well, I wasn't not looking out
For nothing anymore,
But oh look what I found
I was always talkin too much
But only in the sound of my voice did I reach out

Only in the sound of the voice did I scream
Only in the sound of the voice did I scream

Saturday, July 30, 2016

The Red Balloon with The Silvery Ribbon

She grabs tightly to the long, silvery ribbon of her bright Red Balloon.
And off she goes. Higher and higher into the billowy clouds.
Looking down, she waves goodbye to the world below her, smiling.
Laughing. Overjoyed at the feeling these heights give her.
The Red Balloon carries her far.
Showing her things she's never seen before. 
Brilliant cities below her.
Tall, green sequoias. 
Long, flowing rivers that sweep the leaves away in autumn.
Red Balloon makes her feel loved. Makes her feel alive.
Tempts her into all of the amazing wonders of the world.
Showing her the shiny people with smiling faces.
God, how she loves them.
They wave to her as she floats by.
Her long, brown hair, slipping across her neck; dancing in the wind behind her.
Absolute euphoria.
Her loving heart beats faster up in these starry skies, making music like the hooves of a horse as it runs free in the open country. 
The Red Balloon takes her higher, the stars seeming to smile at her; dancing around her, embracing her.







And she can see Jupiter's rings.
Running her fingers through them, collecting the kaleidoscope of colors in her hands.
They drip off her fingertips into the deep abyss of space.
Flying closer to the sun, The Red Balloon becomes fragile. Delicate. The ribbon starting to waste away.
She wants to touch the hot sun. Feel the immense waves of heat. Collect a piece of it in a jar.

Something to remember.

But The Red Balloon has lured her too far.
It lets her go.
And she is free falling to earth.



Down she goes.



Faster she's screaming.

The Earth's exosphere swallowing her whole. 
She is horrified. Helpless.
She closes her eyes and all she can see in her terrified mind is The Red Balloon. The pretty, silvery ribbon.
Trying to grasp only that image.
But something flings her eyes open, forcing her to see the blue below her.
The waves suspended in time as she nears the end.
What has she done?
Why does it have to be this way?
No one to catch her but the deep, blue sea.
And it feels like concrete.
The Water.
It burns her body, pulling her in deeper.
And it won't matter how many tears she lets fall from her vivid, sorrowful eyes.
And no one will hear her screams.

An Empty Cavern

She opens her eyes and the water encases her naked body like fluid concrete. 
The arms of the water pulling her deeper into her heavy, hollow surroundings.
"I've been here before." she thought to herself.
Eyes frozen open.
She could start to see the beginnings of her deep, cimmerian monster; coming towards her from the deepest part of the sea.
"he's here for me." she panicked.
the long, spindly tentacles moved mechanically up towards her frozen body; a hissing sound piercing the water, echoing through her frozen ears.
Sinking deeper, she felt her heart begin to race.
He almost has her.
She tried to close her eyes, she tried to swim away, but she was helpless. In a trance. Frozen in time.
A deep, dingy tentacle swirled around her torso.
"no..." she thought.
His grip tightened.
He pulled her in, down towards his distorted face.
"you are mine..." he hissed. but the words muffled through her ears.
Her racing heart was beginning to slow.
Something pounded against his chest, forming deep ripples across his void of a body.
Another pound. Down-reaching.
Pound. Pound. Pound.
Immersed in what she was seeing, the ripples opened up a hollow, dark cavity in his chest.
Her heart beat slowly.
A grin spread across his face.
He dragged her down towards the empty cavern of his chest.
She begs. Looking up at his immense dimensions, he says to her,
"You must feel the dark-ness, my dear one." The words slithering inside her head.
Swallowed whole by his cavern, she weeps.
His laugh only coming out like a deep buried whisper through the water.
The darkness closing in.
She pounds in slow motion, the walls of his dark cavity.
"You must feel the dark-ness, my dear one."

Friday, July 29, 2016

Keepin' It Real


Two days ago my Dog Baby, Hershey, was attacked by another neighbor dog. Hershey is a ten year old Yorkshire Terrier/Chihuahua mix. So he is small and very non-aggressive.
His back had a huge gash in it and needed emergency surgery. Fifteen stitches. Two big bites, tearing my dog up. He's back home now in recovery. And I'm pissed off. I'm pissed of because I did find out who's dog did this, and unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. Legally. ;)
The morning that Hershey got attacked, I let him outside to go potty and he wandered away.
I figured he just went to his normal yard spot in our old neighbors backyard, so I went back inside to collect me and David's things. And that's when M comes in all freaked out with Hershey in his arms.
Hershey had wandered into one of our neighbors yard and their chained up dog, (Husky/German Shepard mix) couldn't handle it, and she attacked. Viciously.

M and I didn't  have the money for all the shit that needed to be done on Hershey. And the doc told us that if we didn't take care of him immediately, he would die of infection.

Heartbroken, overwhelmed, anxious, hopeless, guilty.

I didn't know what to do.
And what's worse is that I knew there was nothing I could do to make the bastards with their aggressive dog pay for what they did.
We had angels on our side this day because two lovely people who were also in the waiting room with us, helped us pay our medical bill.
And the Humane Society took care of the rest.
Hershey got his much-needed surgery.
Hershey is alive.
He is in pain and it pains me. I wish I could take all the pain and trauma away for him.
What's worse is that he has already been previously attacked by a Big Old Husky when he was just a puppy. So this whole event probably sent him to that horrible place, mentally. My poor doggie.

I am just so thankful that we got the help we needed and that Hershey is safe back home with us.

It's taken me some serious strength to not go over to that neighbors house and threaten them or do something.

But what's done is done and I leave the rest to the Universe.

On a lighter note, A finally got his cast off today!!! He also got his pin out...yes, his metal pin that was holding his bones together. Nerve-wracking! And disturbing! But now we have a happy boy on our hands.

Okay, back to a cheerless subject: My mom and I's mishap.
Basically I sabotaged any chance of a relationship with my mother.
You know what though, I really did consider taking the posts down until she had said some fucked up shit about me and was trying to blame me for basically ruining her life. Turning everything around on me as if I was the one who made her do all this shit.
It may be petty bullshit, but she refuses to have anything to do with me or my son until I take back everything I said on here.
Do I go back to pretending again?
Should I keep lying to my mom, just to spare her feelings?
I can't take back what she already knows I've said. It out there! It's done!
Whichever way I could have done it, whether it was over the phone, through Skype, email, or letter, this end result would still be the same. And you can't tell me otherwise.

I knew she would be hurt, I did. But I honestly thought we'd be able to move on and work from there.
Like I said, she is very stubborn.
I guess when she's ready to talk, she'll talk. Or maybe she won't.
But I can tell you right now that I'm better at this non-talking bullshit than she is.
I mean, what did she expect? That I was just gunna go through life, spewing bullshit out of my mouth to her about how I had such an amazing childhood with her? That I never worried about her, or wondered where she was while I was growing up?
If you read between the lines of those posts, you'll see that it's really all about me missing her. Needing her. Wondering why we weren't close.
And that THAT'S what I wanted. Together-ness. Open-ness. My damn mother!
I guess it's just time for me to focus my good energy on good things and not waste it trying to get through to an unmovable brick wall.

A blog, for me, is basically an online diary. I talk. I talk about shit that goes on in my life. Shit I think about. Shit I'm experiencing. Publicly. No holding back. Just being 100% honest, 100% me.
You can call me fucked up, but at least I'm real.
At least I try.
I don't hide who I am. I think it's silly to.

I'm going to stop there. I'm in a blah mood today. Lots of conflicting emotions.
But I hope you all are having a wonderful day/night, wherever you might be around the world!
I love you all and appreciate more than you know, that you guys are still reading.

Much love,