|The threat of suicide is NOT a joke!|
Back in August of 2013, my father called me, around 11:15pm, to tell me his final goodbye.
He had his gun and was sobbing to me that he "couldn't do it anymore.
"I'm going to disappear forever."
To me, he sounded like a totally different man. In fact, he didn't sound like a man at all! He sounded like a teenage boy. His teenage self.
I tried to get him to tell me where he was at and he refused. I tried my hardest to talk him out of it. But he wouldn't listen. He then said, "love you" and hung up. Not even a goodbye.
I called him over and over again, in a shaken panic, and he didn't pick up.
"That's it." I though to myself.
I knew he had finally killed himself. THIS was it. How my father died.
In a panic, I called the police to try and find him. I told them what he had told me over the phone, the description of his vehicle, and what he looked like. I told them he had a gun with him.
They told me they would call me as soon as they got word of his whereabouts.
About an hour later, the police called me back and told me that he was just fine.
He was in the basement at work, sitting in a chair, on Facebook.
I forgot to mention, he wanted to kill himself because his girlfriend found out he cheated on her with my step-mom.
That full hour that I waited for the police, I begged and pleaded to his girlfriend to call him and tell him to not go through with it. That he had people who cared about him.
She went on to tell me, "I hope he does shoot himself."
My step-mom wouldn't answer me either.
When the police told me that he was A-Okay, my dad Facebook messaged me saying that "he wasn't going to kill himself, and that his girlfriend called to talk to him, and they were okay now."
His girlfriend also messaged me and said "not to worry because they were okay now."
Well, great. I'm glad you guys are all good.
When I had tried to talk my dad out of killing himself, and I had mentioned that he had kids who loved him and needed him here, and when I told him that I love him and that I think he's a great dad, when I was crying over the phone to him about how much I loved him, he didn't care.
But as soon as his short-term girlfriend called him, he answered her call, and listened to her say how much she loves and misses him. He listened to her.
I was yelling at everybody in the room and telling them I needed help and I needed that help RIGHT NOW. One of the ladies took me aside and asked me what was going on.
I told her that my dad threatened suicide. I was dead set on the idea that I wasn't really here; that there were things controlling my movements and speech, and that there were people following me and people hiding in the trees, and those people were the directors of my life, because they had written out my life. I was a book.
I was crying, shaking, and losing my mind.
She asked if he had done this before, and I told her that he had and that he also attempted suicide in front of me when I was six.
She held me while I cried. Rocked me in her arms like a baby.
She then prescribed me Wellbutrin. They set me up with a therapist and a psychiatrist, and college was just around the corner. This was my second attempt at community college. And I didn't feel okay.
I wasn't talking to my father, my step-mom, or his stupid fucking girlfriend.
The first couple weeks of college seemed to be going smoothly and the meds were starting to kick in. I was going to all of my classes and doing what was asked for each class. I was still trying to heal from what had happened a few week ago, but my anxiety and my severe problem with being around so many people in my classes, it was hard.
I told myself this was the last time. I was done with my father.
Unfortunately, his short-term girlfriend came out here with her four year old daughter, and they got a house together.
They came around. I met her. And went on pretending that everything was okay.
I felt like maybe if I pretended I was okay, maybe eventually I would just be okay.
So I stopped taking my meds after about a month and a half.
I stopped going to therapy because I had heard all of this before from every other professional person I "got help" from.
I was all better!
Boy, was I wrong.
Obviously I left college again. And I locked myself away in the house for a long time. I didn't understand at the time, that going off your meds like that, was not okay to do. That you need to wean yourself off. That all these intensified feelings were because my brain was getting all these great new serotonin stuff and then I deprived it just like that. Cold turkey.
That was not okay. And I paid the price.
I neglected myself. I hated myself for giving in to my dad again. For failing college for the second time. For not being able to be around people!
Who was I? What was happening to me?
This wasn't me.
After a couple months of his girlfriend living here, she finally left.
I haven't talked to her since.
My dad got back together with my step-mom.
I just didn't care anymore about whatever my dad was doing. Everything is temporary with him.
I focused on healing myself. Finding ways to separate myself from them all.
I started back up on Wellbutrin and spent a lot of time writing and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life.
At this point, the relationship I had with my father was pretty one-dimensional. I had no feelings for him anymore. It was completely superficial. Whenever I was around him, to me he was just a ghost. And to be honest those feelings haven't changed much since then.
Whenever my dad tells me things like "I love you" or "you make my Soul smile" or "you mean the world to me, sagey" it honestly angers me, and I have nothing to say to him. Because to me, when you love your child, when you feel like your child is the only thing that matters in the world, you don't go and try to kill yourself, or threaten to kill yourself.
When you're six years old, staring into your dying fathers eyes and he tells you, "I'm sorry" as he falls into unconsciousness, he knew he was dying. And what's worse, he didn't care that I watched him. That "sorry" was his goodbye.
To this day, my father has still not admitted what he did. He has an excuse. And he hasn't apologized.
A few months being on antidepressants, focusing on myself, going through an ovarian cyst removal surgery in October of 2013, and only six months later, getting pregnant, I was on my own way of starting my own life.
I did a lot of intense, magical, healing meditation. Cleansing my body. Detoxifying my mind. I weaned myself off of my meds a couple months before I became pregnant, and I really hadn't felt so good in so long.
I got a job and was really working hard on my social anxieties. I wanted to have friendships with people! Not hide myself away. Plus, now I was going to be a mom! I was stoked.
During the whole pregnancy, I spent my time really just wanting to be positive and happy. To look at life from another angle. To heal myself from within so that my baby would be able to count on me for anything. To look up to me. I was already so in love with this baby inside me.
I promised I was going to take care of myself and that I was going to be an amazing mother. There was no way in hell I was ever going to make my child feel the way I did growing up.
I had an amazing, magical time being pregnant.
When I gave birth, things were amazing. But as time passed, I was not doing so well.
I had severe postpartum anxiety and I was becoming extremely depressed. I explain in detail, why all of this occurred and you can read that in one of my previous posts: Why I Only Want One Child.
I finally got back on Wellbutrin. I felt disappointed in myself for awhile, because I wanted to be strong enough to not have to rely on prescription medication. I felt weak. I really thought I was strong enough.
Of course that was the depression talking.
I needed to stop being so down on myself!
Being on this medication was OKAY!!
Sometimes, you just need a little extra help. And for me, this medication was that help. I am thankful for it!
Of course I would like, one day, to not have to rely on prescription drugs, to absolutely heal myself. But that will take time. I have lots to work on myself. But I'm taking this healing path, one day at a time. Not stressing so much on the future. Not being so damn hard on myself. And finding love in everything. Even the bullshit.
I do believe that some prescription medications help people. Whether it's for pain or emotions.
Are there doctors out there who prescribe the wrong drugs? Yes! Who prescribe too many drugs? Yes! Are there people out there who don't really need this medications yet doctors prescribe them to them anyway because they are greedy monsters? Of course!
And all of the above, I do not agree with.
I think a lot of medications only create more issues after an extended amount of time. I even thought at one point in time, that my medication was the reason for my ovarian cysts, and not being able to conceive a child! Your mind and body are not meant to overuse these medications. That's why they eventually stop taking effect.
I feel like there are much healthier ways in healing your body and mind.
Meditation for one, is so amazing. And I feel it not only heals you from the inside out, but it draws positivity into your life.
Yoga as well! Not only is it a magical exercise (yes, yoga is one tough bitch), but exercise itself is so powerful to and key to a healthy body and mind.
Just changing your way of thinking or reacting to things, makes a huge difference. When you fall into a negative pattern of thinking, it's so easy to get stuck in that thick, depressing, quicksand.
For me, being stuck in that quicksand, I really needed a rope to help pull me out.
This medication is that rope! Because without that rope, I'd still be stuck in the quicksand.
Now that I'm out of the quicksand, I'm working on making that quicksand disappear altogether. And until I feel secure on my own, I embrace this Wellbutrin.
And for all you out there who think that being on medications makes you less of a person, makes you weak, please, please get that thought out of your mind!
If anything, you are stronger! Because you made the decision to help yourself instead of letting it take over your body or mind. You took control! And that is a powerful thing to do.
I hope that one day, we won't have to rely on these drugs. That one day, if we're feeling down or angry, we can go outside and walk around and breathe in the fresh air around us. And that walk alone, will bring that negative mood, those negative feelings, to the ground. Throw that shit in the quicksand and let it disappear forever. We are in control of our own thoughts and feelings. They are not in control of us. Embrace your medications and thank them for that boost of help they give you. And work on bettering yourself because you truly deserve it. You deserve to be healthy and happy! Free from those pills! We can do it!
My happy pills continue to make me happy. Eventually, I'm going to be able to just BE happy. Just because! There are THINGS I wanna do! I have plans for life. I know where I want to go, what I want to do. And I am learning along the way...healing along the way.
One of the most inspirational women I watch on Youtube, is the lovely lady, Adina Rivers.
I started watching her videos about a year ago when I was going through my darkness. I had a complete loss of libido, no motivation to heal myself, I thought I was broken, and this was it.
But I found her and she has helped me tremendously this past year.
Adina, if you're out there, I want to thank you for everything you do for all these people. I want to thank you for your presence in this world. We need more people out there like you. I love you, girl!
Adina has taught me, shown me, inspired me to heal myself. And to know that it is possible to do and eventually, without these silly pills. I can do it! WE can do it.
If you'd like, you should check out one of my most favorite videos of Adina's right here. I'm sure you'll find her a great inspiration and a magical being.
Anyway, that's all for now! Stay tuned!