|They make you feel good, bad, and everything in between...So is that Magic? Or are they something leading to where Magic is really found?|
You know what Magic is?
I thought I did...
I thought Magic was what witches, wizards, sorcerers, alchemists, demons, angels, and gods had. What they were all about. Floating through the sky, flying through portals, creating things out of mid air, haunting houses and people!
Then I got older and I thought that the feeling of being with someone, loving someone, and them loving you back was Magic.
Why not, right?
They make you feel like a million bucks! The butterflies, the way he looks at you. When he holds your hand. When your lips touch. And finally hearing the words, " I love you " for the first time...
M A G I C ! ! !
But I soon realized that two people who fall in love with each other is not under the same category as Magic. It's actually very simple! It's in our nature to fall in love with a man or a woman. (I have loved both).
Those butterfly feelings are not magic. You're nervous, excited, and extremely happy! They feel good! But they are not Magic...
The way he can see into your soul when he looks into your eyes, that is not Magic.
The feeling of his lips on yours, again, not Magic.
The connection you have with each other is otherworldly.....no doubt. And that's why you want to always be with that person. Because there IS something there that connects you two together on another level.
So what IS that SOMETHING??? Could it be...?
I can say that what I do believe: that is where the Magic is first being whirled into action. A manifestation of two people falling in true, pure, and absolute love.
I'll come back to the Magic stuff soon.
When my lover and I met...there was something there that told us we had finally found each other. From that moment forth, we were completely inseparable. There is not one moment in my days and nights where I don't see him or hear him in my thoughts, my ideas, my fantasies and dreams. We are still in Love and in Like. (Yes that matters too).
When I was 17, I was taken to the hospital for absolutely EVIL menstrual cramps. Writhing on the floor of the kitchen, sobbing, screaming, bleeding from the depths of my very soul. I felt like this was it. Here comes death. THIS is how I die.
At the hospital, they drugged me up, gave me a CT Scan, hydrated me through an IV, and told me to keep calm.
They came back about three hours later with the diagnosis:
"We have no clue. But you DO seem to have Uterus Didelphys."
Uterus Di-what??? I thought.
"In other words, you have two uteri! See here on the scan?"
We all looked.
And sure enough, their "they" were!
I left the hospital with more questions than answers. And a decent amount of Percocet.
I thought about the pain I experienced before ending up in the hospital. How absolutely horrendous it was. It radiated throughout my whole body.
And I thought about the moment before that pain got so deeply violent:
I was sitting in the bath, having worse cramps than I normally do. I thought it was strange. I rubbed my wet belly in the soothing, hot water. Hoping that the cramps would just ease up on me a little.
They didn't. In fact, they got worse. And worse. And clotted blood filled the tub. I got out, wet with bloody water, and now drowning in my own tears. My lover was not home yet...And I was scared! What was happening to me?
When he got home, he saw me on the kitchen floor sobbing and screaming.
"TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL!!!"
Drugged up on Percocet and whatever leftover dilaudid was in my system, the realization came to me that I must have had a miscarriage.
"But how?" I thought to myself.
"Is that even possible with two uteri??"
I had no clue about this Uterus Didelphys thing.
But I knew, deep down in my gut, that I lost a baby.
That experience opened up a whole side of me I didn't know I had. The, "I could have been a mom" side. The, "do I WANT to be a mom" side.
And another whirl of manifesting magic swooped in...
Did I mention I am a step-mom? (I prefer bonus mom, but whatever).
Yes, my lover; (I don't know why I'm calling him lover so let's just call him M.), has not one, but two children of his own. Both of which I love dearly with all my heart and soul. And, to me, I was kind of already a mother.
But that thought that had surfaced up from the fogginess of my saddened mind, was really beginning to point that arrow towards my soul. I could feel it: the pain. The itch even.
I wanted a baby of my own. The arrow was pulled back as far as it could go, and FWWIFFFFF, hit the target of my soul. Man, was I in trouble...
More than anything in the whole world; I wanted, NEEDED, a child of my own soul and blood.
Don't get me wrong, I love my step kids! And I treat them as if they came from my own womb. But in all reality, there is only so much I can give to them that their own mother can already give. I do not have that position.
So from that day forth, I begged and meditated to be given the gift of my own baby.
I continued to have horrible periods. The OBGYN confirmed that I did have not only two uteri, but two cervixs to go along with them. I started to wonder if it was even possible to get pregnant. I even had one doctor who told me that if I were to get pregnant, not only would the baby die, but I would die as well. What a horrible thing to say, what a horrible thought to put into my fragile mind, right??
I obsessively researched my "condition." I went on forums, (there aren't many out there), I found an email group of women with Uterus Didelphys who were trying to conceive.
I did this for about 3 years. Eventually, I gave up. I figured it just wasn't going to happen. After all the disgusting fertility smoothies and meals I tried, the vitamins, meditations and long nights of crying about negative test results, nothing happened. I continued to take prenatal vitamins and snuck in tiny amounts of fertility crap into both M and I's food.
About a month went by and I was taking go-backs back around the store where they belonged. Walking fast, my breasts bounced up, down. Up, down. "Man, I'm thirsty as shit!"
Up, down, up, down, up, down.
I grab my bottle of water. My giant bottle of water.
Suck the whole thing down. Buy another.
Run to the restroom, releasing my poor bladder of is tight constrictions from that whole bottle of water I downed.
Up, down, up down.
Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. Run to the restroom!
Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down!
Three days of work go by exactly this way.
The fourth day, I lost my voice from smoking too many cigarettes. My breasts were in pain. My BREASTS! Had I not even noticed?? I never had bouncing breasts before! I was lucky enough if I felt them shake in my bra running down the stairs!
I was peeing, literally, every 3 minutes. My boss was starting to get mad.
The 5th day my voice was back. (I dropped the nasty cigarette habit). My jeans were undone at the button. (Luckily we had aprons tied at our waist).
I was ringing up a customer when I felt very light. I felt like I was starting to float up into the air, like a hot air balloon.
I started seeing pretty colors and spots. "Confetti!" I thought. "My own little party! What is the occasion?" I smiled.
I was breathing like the oxygen was running out of the store. I steadied myself against the register and slipped my back down to the nice, cold floor.
People came running over.
"Are you okay? What's going on? Can you stand? Can you see?"
No. I could barely speak.
About ten minutes passed when I could finally feel my legs again and stood up. My boss came over to me and told me to go home.
As I was leaving, one of my coworkers brought me aside and whispered in my ear, "girlfriend, you are pregnant." She smiled at me and embraced me in her loving arms. She winked as I left through the squeaky, automatic grocery store doors.
What just happened in there?
Could I be.....no! There's no way, it's not possible!
2 days later, and two positive pregnancy tests at 4 in the morning, I sat in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror with wonder. With love, excitement, and bliss. What a feeling, let me tell you. This was happening! THIS was FINALLY happening!!!
After I had my moment of jumping for joy, crying, giggling, and rubbing my little belly, I went out into the living room where M was sleeping peacefully on our couch. (Yes we slept in the living room).
He opened his eyes sleepily to my wide eyed, ear to ear smile. My heart was racing.
"I got two positives baby!!! Two!!!" I shrieked.
"I knew it." He said. "I knew you were pregnant." He smiled big and fell back into his slumber.
I, could definitely NOT fall asleep.
So I went with my dad and little sister, (she is my half sibling and I only get to see her in late spring to the end of summer), to the small flea market that was going on in town.
My little sister, (14 at the time), was the second person I told.
I showed off my little, soon to be big, belly.
For once in my life, I felt a sense of confidence and happiness about my own body. Weird right?
M called around 8am.
(Continue onto Part 2 to listen to the rest of my journey!)