|Be open with your children! And more so, Be Honest!|
One day when David is older, he's going to see the scars on my wrists and ask what happened.
And simply, I'm going to tell him the truth.
See, with me, I feel like there isn't really a need to bring up "adult" things with a child unless they, themselves, ask you. But, when they do, I feel like they are going to want the most honest answer you can give them! So, BE HONEST!
M and I sorta have conflicting thoughts about this though...like, for instance, when David grows up and asks THE question: How did you make me? or, Where did I come from?
For me, I'm going to be straight up about it! No, that doesn't mean getting dirty about it, but being straight up, that's KEY!
For M, it's a little more complicated for him. It's a personal thing, a private thing, that he feels kids shouldn't worry about. But that's the thing! Kids don't necessarily worry about it, but they wonder! They are curious beings. They should be!
I'm going to have plenty of those questions coming at me as David grows and learns, expands his mind. And yes, one which I never really considered at the time: My scars.
I was selfish. I was cruel. I was not loving to my own body. And whenever I cut into my flesh, the thought never popped into my head about my future child seeing these scars. Because that's how the world is in a young child's mind: The world is small and only revolves around them.
No consequences. But as they grow, they can see the world expanding. What?! You mean there's CONSEQUENCES? And that is a scary thing to some people! Why do you think some people still have that "all-about-me" mentality? Their world was never expanded. They simply don't want consequences.
I just plain old, did-not-like-myself-one-bit. So I attempted to destroy that body.
Well now, as a twenty-one year old, I pay the consequences. When I go to pay at the cash register, and the cashier sees my wrists as she tries to look away, pretending not to notice. When I write a paper, and the student next to me makes fun of my scars. When I get tan, but the scars stay the same color, appearing even brighter than before. I wish that these scars would fully disappear, but it's been many years, and they have faded to their capacity.
Cutting at the time, was a great release. I loved it. I loved watching my blood seep out, and I loved the way they burned in the shower. At one time, I was proud of my scars. As I grew older, I started to feel ashamed, guilty. Why did I do this to my body? How could I? This body was a gift to my soul, and I trashed it with razor blades and drugs and restricted it of food. That was evil. I was evil.
When I became aware that I wanted to have a baby, those feelings of guilt worsened. I felt stupid for ever putting my family through that. Them worrying about my health like that.
I imagined my own son in that situation and it made me feel sick to think of razor-blades running across his delicate, beautiful skin. Of his small body becoming thinner because he restricted food.
Him coming home high every day. Wanting to burn the world.
That was one of the first realizations about how I wanted to make sure David didn't hate himself. That he didn't want to watch the world burn. Because life is fucking amazing! It's beautiful. And yes, sometimes life really fucking hurts.....but isn't that part of the beauty in it?
I have something to show of myself for David when the time comes. My scars are a lesson. A story.
He will ask me, and I will say, that Mommy didn't realize at the time, that life was beautiful, and that she had a reason for being brought here into this world. Yes, they hurt, and I fully regret hurting my own body, because my body was a gift to my soul. But they are here to stay. They are apart of who I am, and that is a lesson I learned, long after they became apart of me.
I have seen scars on my own little sister, who is now sixteen, and it hurts my heart to see that she has felt that same pain. That she has felt those same thoughts in her mind. And what's worse, is that there are SO many people out there who are in that same exact position. No one should ever want to die, and sadly, people everyday, do.
NO ONE DESERVES THOSE THOUGHTS. NO ONE DESERVES THOSE FEELINGS.
When my dad found out I had been cutting myself, my siblings and I were hanging outside playing. It was the summer of 7th grade. He came out with a giant knife in his hand, and in front of my baby sister who was only seven years old, he screamed and said, "how would you like it if I stood here and cut my wrists with this blade?!" He ran the blade, backwards, over his right wrist. Unwarranted.
My sister screamed and cried and I begged for my dad to stop. Eventually he went back inside and that was that.
Of course, that was not the right thing to do. And it didn't help the situation. It didn't help how I felt. And it brought back flashbacks of his first attempted suicide.
I held my sister and we went on a walk together.
My dad has never really been mentally stable, as you probably have noticed from previous posts.
He has told me things I never wanted to know about his life. I was never curious about them. I never asked. And to me, it feels like a violation of my mind. Like he plucked something out of his head and planted it directly in my mind. Things that scare me. Things that make me sad. That is not okay.
We all have scars. Sometimes physical ones. But we all have our own scars deep down inside. Our own stories, our own lessons. And it's okay to talk about those scars with your children, as long as they want to know. I'm learning to be more open, not just with myself, but with others, people I know. Because when you have children, you have to be open. That's how your kid gets to know you. Know the world. Because they see the world inside you. Your experiences, your stories, your thoughts, all matter to your child.
I wish I would have not been such a selfish young girl. But I was more damaged than I thought and I didn't know that at the time. I didn't understand the world. I didn't understand myself.
If you're reading this and have been where I've been, I want to tell you, Thank You. I want to tell you that I Love You. And that I'm glad you're here and are finding ways to heal yourself. Your own healing path. For me, writing is my healing path. Writing and meditating, swimming in the lake, hiking, and talking with the people I love.
If you're reading this and you're not quite on the healing path, don't give up. It's not far away. You belong here. You're beautiful inside and out. Don't hurt your body! It wants to be apart of you. It was made for YOU! And one day, if not now, someone is going to tell you that you mean the world to them.
I have my hard days, as everyone does! But I have to tell myself on these bad days, that I need to slow down. Take it easy girl! These bad moments don't nearly equal the amount of good, magical moments I have! I find myself thinking negatively ALL THE TIME. But you can't do that! Whenever you have a negative thought on your mind, just stop! And change that negativity into something positive!
Damn, my stomach's been hurting all day long, but hey, at least I'm fucking ALIVE!
Shit, I only have $2.68 in the bank! But I'm good! I don't need anything....I have food, water, family, and a bed to sleep in.
I'm on the path of Love right now. Transforming all my negativity into positivity. Instead of getting angry at someone who did something terrible, I send my love out to them. Because THOSE are the people that need it most!
I'm learning to be patient, still! Which is very hard for me. But you gotta try, right?
I am by no means, at the greatest in which I would like to become. I am not completely healed. And who knows, maybe there will be parts of me that just won't heal. But as long as I AM healing, that is all that matters.
Healing myself is key right now, because I gotta be as strong as I can be. So I can be there 110% for my boy. My step-kids, M.! And maybe one day, David will look up to me and smile his goofy smile and say, "Momma, I'm feeling sorta down..." And I'll know exactly how to make him feel better.
Stay Strong. Be Positive. Love Fully. Embrace Yourself.