HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Blue Smoke. Curious Bird.



I saw him.
Feeling overwhelmed as the blue smoke of his cigarette swam out of his mouth and curled out of his nostrils.
I wonder what's on his mind right now...
He looks behind him through those doors and sees me.

Fuck. He must of felt my gaze...

The doors open and the cold air snakes through my clothes, leaving me with rough skin.
I walk over and stand next to him.

Still a couple of drags away from finishing his cigarette, "You mind if I drag that? " I say.

He turn to look at me, his eyes wide with wonder. I could see the world in them.

"I didn't know you smoked.."

I inhale the bitter-sweetness. He watches.
Like a curious bird.

(june2012)

Friday, April 29, 2016

We're All Dead Ringers


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Haven't You Noticed?


The Lust
The Hate
Feeling strangled in this state
Of mind
Over matter
What's the matter with my mind these days...

Knowing that I'm strong
But feeling like I can't move on
From the guilt and the questions that were never answered.

No one cares
It's nothing to anyone else!
Climbing the ladder

To the stairs
                                                        
                        To the bridge
                                        
                     To NOwhere

I swear I saw a light in the distance...
Maybe it was my own reflection
Hanging on the last thread of the rope around my neck.

Where are the scissors?
I chose life!
Doesn't anyone understand that?

I'm not who I was back then
But I still have my vices...
Gotta cope somehow
Gotta pay the prices
Don't you?

We're all Dead Ringers
Haven't you noticed?
Infesting on the cracks of the Earth
And wondering why we can't get along
Is that wrong because
You're basically just fighting with yourself and
I think you may know me 
More than you may think

(june2012)

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Weaning Off Of Wellbutrin

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Stabilize!


I wanted to write a short post about my current weaning situation.

Yes, I am starting to wean myself off of my Wellbutrin.
I got the okay from my doctor last week. I feel pretty freakin' stable so far.

If you are new to my site and don't know my story, check out my post, "Antidepressants" so you can get a better idea of why I was put on Wellbutrin in the first place!

For the past two weeks I have been only taking one 150mg pill every other day. And the past two days I haven't felt the "need" to take a pill at all. Which I feel very proud of myself because I'm not feeling any extra anxieties or depression or any of that crap.
My doc told me that I should be completely off of my medication by two weeks, but said that I can still have the medication around for the days I feel I need to take it. I am so okay with that guys!

It's been a really difficult beginning of the year I think. I think many people out there in the world are going through a transformation period. A period of healing and growing.
Sometimes that transformation shit hurts...shedding your old skin away. Your old life.
Turning into a butterfly can't be physically pleasant. But damn, those butterflies sure can fly!

I feel like these past few months I have grown so much. And I hope to only grow more!
Learn more, feel more, love more. (and I will)
It's been hard without the occasional talk with my mom.
Yes, because I said a whole mess of things on here about my childhood with her.
But I know in my heart that things will simmer down and we'll finally be able to work things out.

It's also been hard this year missing Wes, my soul-father. I'm not so sure why this year has been so difficult with the whole "wes-is-so-far-away" thing, but it really is.

I guess I'm just realizing that I truly am on my own, in my own little world out here in South Lake. And I really am okay with that, I just think I want to share that little world with my family.
Sigh. My family is so complicated! So spread out! So diverse! I have four dads, three mommas, several grandparents, half-siblings, and they all live in different places around the country and world. It makes times seem lonely a lot.
Sure, I have my dad here....but....you all know that complicated story. (though there are more).

But that's a huge reason of why I've been transforming, as I'm sure we all have!
Figuring out where I'm going. Where I want to go! What I want to do. How I want to live.
Strongly, fiercely, healthily, happily, and full of amazing, magical moments.

Being able to wean myself off of these pills makes me feel very hopeful about this whole "transforming-growing" thing. Like maybe everything I've been working on is starting to take effect.
It's not often I find positive results due to something I've worked on doing, simply because I would give up. And since I've been working so hard on my patience, I think I've driven myself to the next level that I wanted and needed to be at. And I don't see that slowing down any time now.

I know exactly where I want to go. What I want to do. And nothing will stand in my way. Not even these silly pills. I am so so thankful for the breathing room they gave me. And knowing that they will be here whenever I need them is only extra assurance that I'm gunna be okay.

So far, the only side affects I've had (which has been rare) from weaning has been headaches. Bad ones. But they'll go away soon enough. Physically I think my libido has increased and that to me is so very important and now I don't feel like I'm broken. For awhile there, I just thought I was totally broken. Sexually, mentally, and physically. Phew! What a weight off my shoulders...

I think a lot of today's problems come from us all taking life too seriously! So that's been a huge goal of mine lately, to not take life so seriously!! Laugh a little, lighten up! Remember, we are only so small in this infinite universe. Anything that may be going on right now that is stressing you out, bothering you, worrying you, making you feel hopeless or worthless; although it may seem like it's the end of the world, look up at the night sky, see those stars, and get a better perspective on what's really going on. Everything is going to be okay! Relaaaaxxxx....

Anyway, I just wanted to make a short post about this stuff. I'll let you all know how the weaning process goes, but so far, so good.

much love to you all <3
-s.




Longing




The flames of the fire were cold and dull. It didn't draw you in. 
No one wanted to be near it, for it would only make your bones colder.
At certain moments, when the moon shone onto the pit of flames, a cold, fiery woman would appear.
Only then would the people come to the fire, only then did the fire draw you in.
Her arms would raise up as her body twisted and danced like slow smoke slipping into itself.
Her mouth would open as if to say something, but would only cough up embers and thick ashes.
She would try and try again as the moon starts to slowly slip away.
She'd let out a screaming sigh the moment before she'd disappear. And everyone circled around the cold pit of flames would stare hesitantly as if she might appear without the moon. Wanting to hear her words. Her story.
The people would walk away, icicle teardrops stuck to their pale skin.
And until tomorrow night, there would only the leftover hope of the moon staying out long enough for her.
 (june2012)

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

#I Got This!




It has come to my attention that I do, indeed, want another child!
I know, I know, I made a whole post about why I only wanted one child, and then I recently made a post about my subtly changing mind, well now....
I'm going to write a post about my made up mind: Why I Want More Kids!

Okay, I don't know if this is going to sound weird, but a lot of my inspiration came from my favorite YouTube FamChan, The Stauffer Life. No, they weren't my only source of inspiration, but I'll get into that next.

I started watching The Stauffer Life on YouTube around the same time I wrote that blog post, "Why I Only Want One Child."
I have watched plenty of YouTube FamChan's and all of them I really enjoy and respect SO much, but I don't know what it is about this channel, this family, that really put huge inspiration in me.

Watching them actually got me to get my own YouTube channel started.
I'd always rolled the idea around in my head of starting one, but I've never had the guts to put myself on camera like that. But you know what? I can do it! And for some reason, The Stauffer Life showed me that!

At first, I was intimidated by this family. They seemed so put together. So in charge of life. So freakin' confident! Myka is absolutely stunning. She has had three kids and it doesn't even look like it's affected her body whatsoever. James is so chilled out. Like he's in a constant state of, "Yeah, I'm down with that, life is good, honey."
And their kids are a team. Even their little baby boy, they all seem to stick together in some sort of magnetizing way. There's a connection there!
And you're all probably thinking, "Well, obviously, Sage, they are siblings!" And I understand that. But I'm not used to siblings......sticking together. Not only did I grow up an only child (I do have two younger half brothers, and one younger half sister, but I didn't grow up with them), but my two step kids, A and K, they don't seem to have that same connection.
Where does that connection come from? Is it because their mom and dad aren't together?
Both seem to have that connection with David, but why? I'm not their bio mom!
Does that connection come from two stabilized parents?
Your children seeing that their parents are in love and like and happy together? I don't know!

So yeah, it's safe to say they intimidated me at first.

Well, I watched further, and I watched from their very first video. I felt like I got to know them more personally! The intimidation dwindled down and formed into amazing feelings of inspiration.
This woman had such determination with life. With everything she did!
That determination reminded me of my mother's determination. That same determination I wish I had for myself.
(come to find out in a very recent Q&A video they did, Myka is a Gemini! My mother is too. Maybe the determination is a Gemini thing?)

Myka had three babies and managed to stay sane (sane as a momma can stay), and in shape!
Her husband is so supportive of Myka and he takes damn good care of the family. They both do!
You just know that they take good care of each other.
And not only is James just a freakin' great husband, father, and worker, but he's a step-daddy too!
I love to "meet" other men and women out there who are mothers and fathers to kids that didn't come from their own bodies. Because I gotta tell you, it's hard work!
No, loving the kids as your own is not hard, but being accepted, being treated with respect, being the extra person, is hard. Especially in the beginning.
There's a lot of "behind-the-scenes" stuff that step-parents do. Things that won't be recognized for a long time. And that can be really tough because you can end up feeling very under-appreciated.
At least this is how it was for me.
Things are much easier now that it's been almost five years.
I have a lot of respect for step-parents! So go James! And thank you Myka for having his back...I don't know how to say how important it really is to have your partners back when you're co-parenting together.

So I found a deep connection with this family. And I have never met them before! (Isn't YouTube the shit?!)
This is when the idea of my own YouTube FamChan grew in confidence.

When I watched further, and I got to know how much of a family person Myka and James are, I began to EXTRA-question my thoughts on the idea of more children.

I asked myself again, "Why did I only want one child?"
If people keep having kids, growing their families, it can't be that bad, right?
If having a kid was so horrible, why would women keep having them?
And I'm not talking about keeping the population up, but seriously! If having kids was really so horrible, we wouldn't have them. Simply.

I started digging deeper into my answers. My real answers. Why would I only want one child??!
As I've posted about before, my pregnancy was amazing, life changing, magical, and intense.
And after I had David, it only became more intense! More magical. More life changing! But was it more amazing??
And to me, there was my answer!

I think my life really did become more amazing. But I was in such a free fall of hormones and being thrown in and out of horrible, uncomfortable situations in the year after my sons birth, that I don't think the "amazing" really showed itself until I wrote that post!
And watching The Staffer Life really brought that "amazing" out! I don't know how, I don't know why.

I think I was so terrified that having another baby would throw me into the same situations, the same feelings I got into during this past year, that I told myself I could never do that again.
The truth is, not only could I do it again, but you never know what the next time will be like!
With anything!
You can ride the same roller-coaster over and over again, but every time you ride it, there will always be something different during that ride.
Whether it was if you kept your eyes open or closed, whether you looked at the ground at the top or across to the mountains, whether you decided to scream or laugh. Each will be different.

I thought to myself, "maybe I really could do this."
And eventually, that thought turned into, "maybe I really want to do this!"
And I do!

I don't know if my next experience will be better or worse. But really, knowing that I made it past the first year (which is supposed to be the make-it or break-it moment of becoming a parent), gives me such confidence in having more kids. And not only that, but I have insight into what to really expect during that first year, mentally and physically!
Having David was the best thing I coulda done. He has taught me more about myself than anything or anyone in the world and he can't even talk yet! Isn't that amazing?!
Not having any more kids would be so.....unfulfilling. In fact, I can't imagine my life without more children of my own!

The first year of your baby's life doesn't define what every time will be like! From what I know now about myself, is that having more kids would only make life fuller. Better. Busier. Happier!
Of course there are gunna be some hard, bumpy times. There always will be!
But if have my big family right there with me, I know I could get through anything. We could get through anything!

James and Myka always say that if you want something so bad, you can get it. You can achieve whatever it is that you want achieved. If you really do want it that bad!
I wholeheartedly agree with that! And I'm glad to "know" people who believe that too!
I don't know why I haven't been listening to myself more!

When the time comes, and I see two positive lines on a pregnancy test, I know how to stand my ground. And do you know how excited that makes me?!
That's another gift that was given to me from my son: Strength. Courage. Possibility.
I owe him the whole world. Maybe having a few siblings will be a small slice of that world.
Nothing would make me happier than waking up every morning, hearing my kids in their rooms, or goofing around the house.

Okay, I'm gunna shut up now but I had to say something. I wanted to give an extra thanks to The Stauffer Life. I wanted to give an extra thanks to my son, my step-kids, my partner, and to myself.

I'm waiting to get a camera to start my channel on YouTube (and I can finally meet all of you!), and it may take a little time, but in the meantime, stay tuned for more posts and feel welcome to boost me out there into the internet world! Everything is much appreciated!

Please feel free to Comment and Share and Subscribe!

Also, I don't know if linking YouTube channels in my posts is okay here, but I've already done it so I'm gunna do it again. If you want, I highly suggest checking out The Stauffer Life, (obviously), because not only are they awesome, but they deserve more subscribers. You're guaranteed to find something you like on their page! Check out their other channels too!

Wish me luck on the journey I'm on as I'm always sending you all good vibes and lots of love for your journey <3

Much Love!
-s








Saturday, April 23, 2016

Know Love




Time

To talk about the things that we
don't wanna talk about
Like, Love, and Hate
and things we can't create
The people in our lives
all under society's disguise
The days and nights that we cry over
the things that don't really matter

like children-

We all are! 
And that's not gunna change...
Change!
Where are we?
How did we get here?
Ask the the infinite chaotic churning
waves of the water
When it made LOVE to Hope, Passion, and

Time

To think about the things that we
don't wanna think about
Like, Ourselves
Death, regrets and how
that last cigarette just might have been the one to break the camel's back
Oh yeah, and Love.
No love?
KNOW love!
And you might find that
it's not that hard to find..
I mean, did you see the sun poke out today?

(june2012)

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Broken Atmosphere




The hollow bones of this town
On the paint of no color.
No sounds to be heard in this noisy place of chaos.

Where did the city go?

Last time I saw it, The Darkness was there.
Maybe when the stars exploded
When everyone had to shut their eyes for five seconds, it began to crumble
To dust.
Nothing but dust.
And the people wandering around leaving dusty footprints behind them with only one question on their minds:

Where did the city go?

Droplets upon droplets of empty tears,
Leaking out from the cracks of hearts and pounding deep breaths into this
Broken Atmosphere.
Using the rope of our fears to stitch it up.
Letting go.
Let it go.
We already know
This home has too many scars.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Well, I have a silly story...

Follow Me!

To Be or Not to Be?

I am coming on here to apologize for my short absence. Let me explain:

Remember when I wrote my post "Why I Only Want One Child"?
About a week or so later, I found myself.......feeling something happen in my soul.
My soul was telling me that I wanted more kids!
And it was very fucking frustrating because my mind kept telling me, "NO! NO I DON'T! I'M GOOD WITH ONE! I'M SERIOUS! SHUT UP!"
And my soul would argue back, "Calm down, brain. I know what you really want."
This arguement went on forever. It was like watching the two of them bicker at each other.

The Angel and the Devil on my shoulders.

I wanted them both to shut up!
I was trying to ignore what was going on inside me.
Sigh....and it was not working very well.

When I wrote my "Loss of Libido" post, I was starting to really consider the idea.
But that was crazy, right?
How could I even do that right now?
Realistically, having another baby right now would just not be ideal.
Yes, we would be okay eventually....but it just wasn't the best idea.
So why couldn't I shake the thought out of my head?!
Little David having a baby sister to watch out for! Playing together...a little mini-me! Dressing her up, reading to her, watching them argue and make up, going to the park, the beach, roadtrips. Sigh...
All the amazing cuddles! Trying breastfeeding again! The extra giggles and messes! It sounds so perfect to me. I even thought about having three!!! T-H-R-E-E

I went from only wanting one, to wanting three!!! Huh??

Well, about a week or so after my "Loss of Libido" post, I turned up with three faint positive tests over a three day period.
I went to the doc and she also tested me for a pregnancy, but the urine test came up negative.
When she asked to see my home pregnancy tests, she was 100% convinced I was pregnant, so she ordered a beta blood test for me at the hospital, even though I still had not missed my cycle.
At this point, I was pretty much convinced that I was pregnant.

What did this mean? What was going to happen?

I sat in the lab surrounded by phlebotomists who were trying to teach a student how to properly draw blood from someone's arm (mine).

The nervous student asked, "Do I have your permission to draw your blood today? I am a learning student."

I'm not an asshole! This is how people learn, right? Of course I'm not gunna turn her away.

She did very nicely going in! Luckily I'm not one of those people who have needle phobias. I actually don't mind them so much.
But when she was trying to take the needle out, something happened, and there was blood everywhere. It hurt!
But.....it wasn't something I couldn't handle...
I didn't mind. This was a learning experience for her! I wasn't going to be a bitch to her because she made a slight mistake!
She apologized profusely, but I insisted I was totally fine and she was okay!

They took my vile of blood and I crossed my fingers.

I left with David feeling.....sorta guilty. Guilty that I wanted this baby. I wanted the blood test to be a good strong positive.
To have a high, or least normal, beta level!

I walked away with hopeful uncertainty.

This was yesterday. And yesterday was actually the first day I felt the way I did right before I found out I was pregnant with David.
Yes, I had minor symptoms the past two weeks, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have tested, but yesterday was different.

I felt even more hopeful.

A couple hours later, my doc called to tell me that my beta level was a low, 1. One. O-N-E.
She told me that since I wasn't due for my cycle yet, that there was still a possibility I was pregnant but that it just wasn't showing up yet.
She wanted me to keep testing and to see her the following week.

I was so confused. How come I kept testing positive at home (a faint positive is a positive nonetheless), but I didn't pass the blood test?
I was beginning to lose hope.
Now feeling guilty for losing hope. And feeling guilty for wanting to have another kid.

Confused and frustrated.

I tested again this morning and guess what? Same faint positive. I'm starting to think that the tests were faulty.

So my current feelings? I feel......blah.
I feel bummed about the negative blood test, but then I tell myself that it's just not my time for that yet. And then I feel sorta okay.
What happens is what happens. Baby or not. I have come to terms that I'm probably not pregnant. But I worry that this may be my only chance! I know that probably sounds silly, but realistically unrealistic, I probably scared the hell out of my M and he's not going to want to come anywhere near me (no pun intended).
In fact, just a few weeks ago he mentioned the idea of getting a vasectomy. It broke my heart to hear him say that.
Yes, I know it's reversible. But even then, the chances of conceiving after a vasectomy are not high.
I already have a hard time conceiving as it is! And not only that, but there are complications that can occur with a vasectomy. Yeah, yeah, every surgery does. But this is M we're talking about! Surgery and M do not go well in my poor mind.
I am also not one to take birth control. To me, I don't agree with birth control pills and they do not agree with me. I just track my cycles. Simple.
Sigh.
Anyway, I am lucky enough to have David! He is the most magical, amazing, beautiful thing in my whole Universe. He is what I was brought here into the world for.
And maybe someday, he will have a sibling to share the world with..

There are things I'm working on. For myself, for the future, for my family's future!!! Could I do that with another baby by my side? Of course! It would just be harder, more complicated. Maybe my life doesn't need extra complicating right now.

Did I ever tell you guys that I want to move to Hawaii?
Well I do. Very much so.
We're working on that right now.
I want to be a kindergarten teacher! And I'm really starting to gravitate more and more towards homeschooling my son.
I'm starting college (yes, for the third time), in the fall.
Third times the charm, right?
I think what's different about this time is that I actually know what I want to do. The past two times I went, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I went because I felt like I needed to. I didn't want to disappoint my many parents. (That is never a reason to go to college by the way, do it for you!)

My ultimate goal is to leave the United States altogether.
I want nothing to do with this country.

(I can make that a whole nother post about why I want nothing to do with America).

If I can make it to where I am successful enough to travel the world and build schools and teach little kids, all while raising a big happy family....boy will I be one happy momma!

Anyway, I had an idea I wanted to throw at you all!
I am going to start a vlogging channel on YouTube soon (probably something family based, day-in-the-life style, maybe bring up blog posts and discuss them)?
I wanted some vlog ideas thrown at me that you guys might be interested in! And a bonus, you can finally meet most of the people that are in my blog!
So yeah, shoot me some ideas or thoughts on this!

Speaking of YouTube, if you wanna check out some of my favorite YouTube-r families, I totally suggest you check out:

The Stauffer Life / Myka Stauffer / James Stauffer (DIY)

Bubzvlogs

Ellie and Jared

BabyBellyKelli

TweedleTee10

JesssFam

They are all very different to me, yet they are all such amazing, inspirational people and parents.
Maybe one day, my little family vlogs will inspire others out there, like these family vloggers did and do, for me!

Okay, so I guess that is all for today. I just wanted to let you guys know why I hadn't written much of anything in a little while.
A LOT has been on my mind.
I have a lot in store for you all so please stay tuned and share with others!

I also wanted to thank all of you out there in the world who are reading this blog, even if only for one minute. Scrolling through, doing whatever you do.
I go on every morning to look at the many different countries around the world who have visited my blog. And let me tell you, it's so crazy to me to see that there are people out there in Israel, Germany, Indonesia, Kuwait, Russia, Dubai, Egypt, and so many more, reading my blog.

It means the world to me guys. So thank you so much.

And please, Please, PLEASE stick around and watch out for my upcoming youtube channel. (Ill post it here when its ready to go!) And again, please comment ideas for the channel.
I want to make sure I'm making videos that you all would actually be interested in! Nothing boring for you! I am really enjoying what I'm doing. Thank you for making it enjoyable <3

Thanks again!

Much love,
s.




Saturday, April 16, 2016

I Miss You.

Follow Me!

For Wes:



Dearest Wesley!

I wanted to write a post for you. I know you have heard time and time again how much I thank you and love you for everything, but I can't say it enough. The world needs to know the amazing man you are...if I could, I'd arrange stars to say, "Wesley is amazing!" I LOVE YOU!

Our story is an eventful one. An adventure.
As you guys may have read throughout my posts, Wes is the man that was brought into my world when I was about to turn ten years old.
When him and my mom got together, it was supposed to be on the down-low. I won't get into it, but basically, they were not supposed to be together. Thank god for Love and Rule Breaking!
The first day I met him I drew him a picture...of him! He hung it up in his office and it stayed there forever.
My mom fell in love with him, but I think I fell in love with him faster! I just knew he was always going to be with me.

At the time he came into my life, I was going through a weird time.
I was still in my "daddy's little girl" stage, and at the same time, was really enjoying Wes's company. In fact, I was enjoying him so much, I started to feel guilty about it!

"But Wes isn't my dad...so why do I feel like he is...?" I'd say to myself.

Wes was unlike anyone I knew in my life. Ever.
He was so....warm. Gentle. And FUNNY!!!! He was the silliest man in the world.
He became my bestest friend ever!
When I was little I'd tell myself that if Love had a picture, it would be him. Hands down.
Unfortunately, I didn't show these direct feelings towards him, and I wouldn't even tell him I loved him until I was already gone...
I think he knew deep down that I loved him, and always wanted him around. I just wish I could have said that to him then.
Of course, he knows now.

Fifth, sixth, and seventh grade were complete Heaven and Hell. Fire and Water. Sweet and Spicy.
That's the best I can describe it.
I had a lot of issues and mom-dad drama going on.
I loved Wes but I wanted so bad to be with my dad. I don't know exactly what it was about the idea, or why, but it was just something I couldn't let go. I just needed to go.
I didn't realize how bad that must have hurt him until I, myself, became a step-momma.
In sixth grade, I begged my mom to let me go live with my dad and she refused.
At the time, I just thought she was being mean and selfish. Not letting me make my own decisions.
But I continued to beg and beg.
Eventually, she told me that if I got my grades up above D's and kept them there, that I could go live with him for seventh grade.
I was absolutely stoked!
Only later in life did I find out that Wes was the one who talked her into giving it a try.
As you all know, my dad is a total psycho. I didn't know that fully then.
Due to Wes's positive nature and his optimism in human beings, and the simple fact he didn't know my dad well, he felt that maybe after all these years, he could have changed.
Maybe living with my dad would be a good thing!
Unfortunately, we were all wrong.
Towards the end of sixth grade, we got a call from my step-mom saying that my father had attempted to kill my adopted brother, and that they were now both in jail.
She said that my dad had choked him so hard that my adopted brother was spitting blood.
There's a whole nother opposite truth to that story which I'll get to in a different post.
Well, moving to my dad's was out of question. And I was so angry.
I was so angry at my dad...but I took it out on the only people who were close by: My mom and Wes.
That was the summer I started falling into a deep depression. I hated myself. I hated my dad. I hated just Being.
I started to restrict myself of food, and I'd take the razor-blades out of pencil sharpeners and use them on myself, though I preferred safety pins (I don't know why).
I put my mom and Wes through hell.
In seventh grade they found out...
They didn't understand why I was trying to hurt myself.
I told them I hated being put in the middle of my mom and dad. Which was true, I did hate that, but in all honesty, I just hated being alive. I felt undeserving of anything. My own mind was turning on me. I was falling deeper into the deep, dark, empty abyss.
They gave me the option of going to a hospital, or going to psychotherapy.

I chose the latter.

Wes found this great place for me to go. Of course, I hated going....but I am so thankful for it now.
The summer of seventh grade changed my life.
My mom, Wes, and I all went traveling the whole summer. It was the one summer I didn't go to South Lake to visit my dad. That was also the start of when my feelings for my father were dissipating.
Wes and my mom took me to Georgia to visit family and friends. We also drove to South Carolina which was absolutely beautiful. Both places were!
In South Carolina, we stayed at one of Wes's friends house...we'll call him A.S.
We all walked around, and ended up going to this really cute restaurant. My stomach hurt horribly, so I don't think I ate much.
I felt sick to my stomach. I thought maybe I was getting a stomach bug.
So I excused myself to the restroom and locked the door.
When I pulled my skirt down, all I saw was black. There was tar in my underwear! What the fuck was this?!
I thought I was dying! I didn't know what to do, so I didn't tell anyone until we got back to A.S.'s house.
It was just my mom and I and when I told her, she was stoked for me. I didn't understand why!
She then said, "Welcome to Womanhood!!!!" and she left to get me pads. Giant pads.
Little twelve year old me had finally got her period. In South Carolina.
And I was so humiliated to not know that I got it.

"Wasn't blood supposed to be red?" I thought.

After I got out of the shower, my mom came back with a giant pillow's worth of pads and some Ben&Jerry's Phish Food.

From Georgia, my mom and I went to NYC. It was my very first time seeing The Big City.
I thought it was the craziest place in the world. It was massive! And my feet could not stop hurting! My mom dragged me everywhere...e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.
I absolutely loved it, but I was sick the whole time! I was glad to be moving on to the next place after my sickness was out of my system.

That whole summer, we all traveled to Washington (to visit grandma), Utah (our usual camping spot in moab and desert rocks music festival), South Dakota (camping in the badlands, horseback riding, mount rushmore), Montana (visit our close friends), Georgia and South Carolina (family and friends), and New York City (friends and tourist-ing). All in just two months.
It was an eye-opening summer experience, and the best childhood summer ever. Hands down.
It was like that summer grabbed me right out of the darkness and put me back where I belonged: In the light with Wes and my mom. My family.

Eighth grade was much brighter.
I felt hope for the future, My mom and Wes had been engaged for awhile now. My mom had graduated from college, Wes was doing what Wes did, I had a best friend named Sofie whom I met in the middle of my seventh grade year.

I was falling more in love with Wes. I considered him my true dad.
Through everything I'd been through during middle school, my father was never there for me. He had every opportunity to be there, and he chose not to. I was.....disappointed with him.
But, as long as I had Wes, I was okay.
That's what I mean by Heaven and Hell. It was the hardest period of my childhood, but Wes was my sanctuary. Without him, I don't know where I'd be today. Who I'd be...
If I'd even be here...
Wes helped me through so much.
He always had talks with me. About life. About love. Silly stories.
I'd read to him. And sing to him.
We'd go tubing down the Platte River (not a sanitary idea by the way).
Ride bikes together, and the best thing ever: jumping on his belly!
We learned to play guitar together. He got me piano lessons (which didn't last very long).
He made me feel like a human being for the first time. Not some insignificant.....object.

I loved Loved LOVED him.

I loved when he sang in the shower.
I loved when he was concentrating on his work.
I loved his laugh.
I loved his cooking.
I loved his silly faces and dance moves.
I loved the way his futon smelled in his room. (He smells like sunshine!)
I loved his friends and his family.
I loved his red guitar.
I loved his big shoes.
I loved the shape of his hands and fingernails.
I loved the silver in his hair.
I loved the shape of his smile.
I loved his big hugs.
I loved his walk.
I loved when he wore suits.
I loved when he baked bread.
I loved when he kissed my mom.
I loved when he'd kiss the top of my head.
I just loved.

And I still do.

He was everything to me.

And he still is!

You guys all know him and my mom didn't work out. I've already said that before. And thinking of that day is the hardest thing to think about. It was the hardest thing to deal with in my life. Above everything else. And I didn't realize that until about December of 2015...

Luckily, no matter what, Wes and I have always been here for each other. No matter what. Through thick and thin. We always will. He is my dad! My Soul-Dad. The best dad there is...

He inspired me to be a good person. To have faith in people. In the world!
He inspired me to DO something with my life. To be "A Wes" to people out there in the world.
He sparked something inside my heart the day he met me.

Him and his stunning, beautiful, Wes-Twin wife, are both living happily in Grenada.
Far away from California.....but never far from my heart.
I miss them dearly....it's hard not to get down when I think about them. Not because of them specifically, but because of the distance between us. I miss his sunshine smell. And his big warm arms. And I miss his wife's sweet voice and glowing skin. Her soft eyes.

In time, I know we'll see each other again. Hopefully sooner than later.

There's a whole book inside me that I could write about Wes. About our story. About my love and gratefulness for having him in my life, no matter where he is.

I don't know why I had to write this today. I have just been thinking about him so much and Wes and I have such a good relationship together, he has heard these things before. I've told him a lot. But, I can't tell him enough. So oh well.

I am one lucky woman to know this amazing man. That's what it comes down to.

I love you Wesley. So so much.

-s







Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Daddy's Only Sleeping




The pancakes tasted too sweet in my mouth.
The tips of my long dark hair were crusted with the syrup.
I could hear the clock ticking above my head.
My siblings knocking over Legos in the back room while my baby sister slept peacefully.
Tick
     Tick
          Tick
               Tick
I stopped to look at my dad again, frivolously cooking too many pancakes,
yelling on the phone at my first step-mother, burning each one.

Maybe he put too much syrup on the pancakes to cover up the bitter, burnt taste, I dunno.

My stomach started to hurt after awhile.
I started thinking of all the bad nights here, in this very spot at this table. In this house.
HER house...

I knew she didn't love me. It was obvious.
Especially when my dad wasn't around during the day time.

I wasn't hers.
I was, "that bitch's little girl!"
My dad couldn't even have me in his lap for more that two minutes without her complaining.

"What about OUR kids? What, do you love HER more than them?"

Any slight attention towards me meant a screaming match between them, and than me and daddy would have a little camping trip out in the woods.

I swear I never slept in that house.

He would come into my room and tell me we were leaving. He'd pick me up and carry me out to the truck and we were off, out further into the middle of nowhere with nothing but a tent and a sleeping bag.

I would fall fast asleep in his arms.

I never remembered the drives back to that house.

But I remember every time that woman laid her hands on me.

And how much I missed my mom...
................................................................................................................................................

Tick
     Tick
          Tick
               Tick
My dad started screaming at her again.
This was getting overwhelming...

Why is my dad so angry? What are they yelling about?
I bet it's me. It's always me.
What did I do this time?

STOP. STOP. STOP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHHHHH. PLEASE STOP! I HATE IT!
I had my hands pressed up so hard against my ears, I could have crushed my skull.
My ears were getting hot and going numb. My body starting to shake.
My nose starting to sting, but the tears don't fall. The lump in my throat gets harder to swallow.
Tick
     Tick
          Tick
               Tick
I was starting to get lightheaded. I couldn't speak.
I could barely hear anything anymore. Muffled.
My body starting to go numb. Turning to statue, I was petrified.
Still on the phone, he walks over to the cupboard and grabs something out of it.

"I'M GUNNA DO IT!! I'M GUNNA DO IT!!!!" his eyes red and watery.
His hands shaky with whatever container he held onto tightly.

Daddy, what are you going to do?
What is that?
Doesn't he know I'm sitting right here?

He pops off the cap.

Daddy look at me!

He grabs a big glass of water and stares at it.

Stop! Daddy, you're scaring me! Why can't I move?

He peers down into the bottle.

Daddy...

He tilts his head back and closes his eyes, allowing each blue pill to fall down the hole of his throat.

He takes his last gulp of water and sets the glass on the counter.

Daddy...

He turns and faces me, his face forming into something unrecognizable. Guilt. Regret.
And the phone falls to the ground.

Daddy...
........................................................................................................................................

Tick
     Tick
          Tick
               Tick
Regret.
He falls to the floor.
A that very moment, I was no longer in a paralytic state, and I screamed...
At the top of my lungs, I screamed. Bursting out with tears, snot, and rage. Fire.

DADDY!!!

I ran over to him, screaming in his face, yelling in his ears.

My little brothers running into the kitchen from their rooms, wondering what's going on.

"Sage, why are you crying? It's okay, Sage. Daddy's only sleeping..." They smiled and rubbed his forehead and went back into their rooms to play.

I only kept screaming.

(june2012)

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

An Open Discussion About Homeschooling!

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To Homeschool....Or  NOT to Homeschool? THAT is the Question!


I had a question for those of you who have been homeschooled and also those that ARE the homeschoolers!

I've rolled around the idea of homeschooling David since I knew I was pregnant.
I absolutely love the idea of giving my son the best education he deserves!
Being able to give my complete devoted attention to him so that learning is much smoother.
Where school is about learning and not about popularity!
The only thing I worry about are the social aspects of homeschooling. And maybe it's because of the stereotypical thought that homeschooling prevents kids from becoming socially active or even socially accepted. I don't know much about it!
All I know is that it's something I'm highly considering, and I'd like to hear from real people who have truths to say about their homeschooling time. What you loved, hated, didn't care too much for, and the social aspects of homeschooling. That goes for you parents too!
I didn't really have friends in school until fifth grade. And that friendship didn't last very long!
I developed social anxiety even in public school!
I don't ever want my boy to go through that. Whether it's through public school or through homeschool...
I would love to homeschool David, but I also feel.....selfish? For keeping him away?
Not that I think he'll be shut away from the world, I just worry about developing his social skills!
Okay, so I'm leaving it to you guys to give me all your input and feedback on your homeschooling years!
Maybe even the people out there reading this who haven't been homeschooled can share your thoughts about it as well, so that the people who have been homeschooled can confirm or deny your questions or thoughts!
Are there any of you out there who wished you had been homeschooled?

Alright, enough rambling, sage..

much love!~

Monday, April 11, 2016

Learning Patience!

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But...


If there's one thing I could absolutely tell someone that they needed to carry with them through life, it would be patience.

I am horribly impatient. It really sucks and I hate that it's probably my strongest weakness.
In fact, if you've read all of my previous posts, a lot of what I write about, my life stories, wouldn't have been so...difficult....if I had just known to take it one day at a time.
To know that, eventually, everything was gonna be okay! Because, really, it is!
Sometimes I take life way too seriously!
And that right there, stems from my inability to be a patient person.

Due to this "impatient-ness," I've started projects and not completed them.
Aside from my mental breakdowns, me being the impatient person I am, has stopped me from finishing college.
Being impatient has destroyed relationships. Being impatient has made me very anxious and stressed out! Even when I was a child!

When I want something to happen, I want it to happen yesterday.

And having to wait, God forbid, for whatever....drives me insane.


I'm sorry! I'm working on it.


Before becoming pregnant with David, I was so much worse.
But I think the pregnancy itself, taught me a little more about patience.
Having to wait for those magical moments, like the kicking and the hiccups and seeing how big your belly will actually become, and then the Grand Moment: Seeing him for the very first time...

Surprisingly enough, I took that whole "patience thing" during my pregnancy very, very well.
In fact, I don't know if I've ever been that patient before in my life.

Of course, after the birth I started to get antsy again.
Just.....not as bad!
Well before the pregnancy, and M and the kids, and moving to Tahoe and all that, I was a completely different person, mostly...
I never understood people who could "live in the now" or "focus on today."
I thought it was a silly idea!
If you don't think about your tomorrow or your next year, how will you know if what you're doing is right? If what you're doing is beneficial to your future?

I guess being impatient came from my early childhood.
Always wondering, always wanting, always wishing.
And I guess that's pretty normal as a young child, but I just didn't fall out of that habit. I didn't learn patience!
I never understood that I had a future. I've felt like time was running out. And if whatever it was that I wanted or needed to get done, it needed to happen now or else it was never gunna happen.
So as you can imagine, I've always been one of those people who are constantly on edge.
Even if I'm just sitting peacefully on the bus, or relaxing on a couch. Inside, I am not "relaxing," I am not "sitting peacefully."
I think that has a lot to do with why I became such an anxious freak!

Being patient would have probably helped me in SO many ways.
I was so self conscious growing up, I really didn't have a self esteem.
I didn't think I was pretty, I wanted to have boobs like all the other sixth grade girls, and when my best friend at the time got her period in fifth grade, I was jealous! Angry jealous!
I wanted my period so bad!!! (Boy would I regret that!)
I dyed my hair black, wore a black ribbon around my neck, wore giant, black platforms, wore tight black sweaters, and was only sixty-seven pounds in sixth and seventh grade.
I was an awkward kid!
If only I knew that I would grow into a beautiful woman, I don't think I would have been so hard on myself.
I never thought anything good about myself growing up. And whenever someone would compliment me, I'd think they were lying.

Patience, patience, patience!
How much I needed that damn patience!

In eighth grade I auditioned for Denver School of the Arts to be in the theatre program. You had to prepare two monologues, one dramatic, one comedic, and perform them in front of four judges and a senior student audience and present your portfolio.
Holy shit.
I went in there, freaked out, ran through my monologues, told them about myself, and said thank you.
They told me I was basically racing through the monologues and they couldn't understand what was going on.
They then asked me, "why my portfolio had drawings that I've done when I was auditioning for theatre."
I told them it was, "to show them my various talents."
They seemed to smile at me in pity and told me, "thank you, we will get in touch with you soon."
And I left. Broken-hearted. I just knew I wasn't going to get in.

Oh, patience, patience, patience...
Relax sage!

I didn't get in. And I was okay with that, I had come to terms long ago, that it just wasn't for me.
But I gave up theatre all together...

Sigh, patience.

High school rolled along, and as you know, you get pretty sucked in into being a teenager.
The world is now bigger than it seemed before, but you're still the center of the Universe.
The beginning of freshman year, I was probably the most confident I'd been in my life.
I felt pretty good about myself. Life itself was great! I had my mom, I had Wesley, I was a freshman and was making friends for the first real time, the SUN was shining!
And then I met my best friend Z. (Not Z. Walker) Just Z.
She was so fucking gorgeous and so fucking cool.
I knew I needed to be her friend!
I didn't know that being her friend would seriously damage the good confidence I had in myself the whole I was at East.
Because now, she was the one that had the confidence I wanted! She was the one who had it all.
I was jealous.

If only patience had taught me that she really wasn't all that confident and her family struggles were just as complicated as mine.

Z and I had many falling outs. Over boys, jealousy, annoyance, disagreements, and even me moving out to Tahoe and continuing to talk to the guy I was involved with at the time!
But time and time again (patience) we always made amends. Z and I are like sisters. We've known each other for eight and a half years and it's not goin' anywhere.

Being in Tahoe when I hated the fact I was here, all my brain could think about was moving back to Colorado. My future. My future with Max in Colorado.
I was so focused on being pissed off and wanting to be in the future, I fucked up a lot of shit in my life.
I fucked off school, almost dropped out, got myself into some horrible relationships, involved with gross, perverted men, was high literally twenty-four-seven. Either by marijuana or bag fulls of mushrooms.
It was the only time I felt okay!

I was this close to missing out on the life I have with M. I can't even imagine my life without him...
And all because I just couldn't wait to be somewhere else.

Trying for a baby was always a let down because I'd always get my hopes up too high and when I'd get a negative on my pregnancy test, I'd be down for days.
Eventually, I just gave up on trying! I figured it wasn't possible for me to conceive a child.
So what was the point?

As soon as I stopped thinking about it, I fell pregnant.
I was going to stop trying altogether!!! Then I see two dark lines on the pregnancy test!!!!!
I even made an appointment with a fertility specialist a week before we found out!!
I swear it was like the Universe telling me, "Woah sage, calm down! Relax, now is your time!"
Since that day, I've kept that thought in my head.

It's hard some days of course, especially with a baby and two teens, but....I'm living more in the moment than I have before.

What comes is what comes!

If the Universe didn't want that something for you at that moment, to me it's just saying that I'm not ready yet.

"Now is not the time."

Not only that, but with learned patience comes learned confidence!
Although I don't find my body to be in the best shape, mentally I do feel the most confident I absolutely ever have!
I have worked on getting the people who make me feel horrible or who belittle me, out of my way of being the strong, patient, confident, person I want to be.
Because there's nothing that those people do except hold you back. They make you doubt yourself. They can't take you seriously!
Fuck that shit!
You don't deserve that and they definitely don't deserve you!

Patience isn't only involved with your future, but your past just as well!
Learning to accept your past, learning to accept everything from your past....takes a lot of patience. Sometimes looking into your past, trying to figure out how you became this way, is very painful.
It's a process! But as you dig into your past to clean it up, you can fully focus on what you want for yourself for the future.
And I'm not talking about spending all of your time worrying about your future, but more of a small picture of where you want to be. Who you want to be.

For me, I simply cannot be one of those "in the moment" people.
I have to have some sort of idea about what I want to do so I have a feel for where I'm going. Especially now that I have my own baby boy.
But that also doesn't mean I'm losing my shit because things are moving a little bit slower than I'd like! I'm okay with that! Because I know eventually I'm going to be where I need to be.
And I can still help push things forward along the way.

I take life one day at a time, while having a future in mind!
That's all anyone can do!

As a child without Patience, I had no confidence.
Without Patience, I was constantly worried and always jealous of someone or something!
Without Patience, I gave up a lot of what I dreamed myself of doing. I didn't think I could do it!
Without Patience, I became an anxious person!
Without Patience, I always doubted myself and the people around me.

The impatient days I experience now, I miss out on enjoying the small moments.
And at the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed, I regret how I reacted in a certain moment because I bet that moment wasn't as bad as I thought it was.
Why would I want to feel this way?
Why would anyone?!

If I could go back in time to tell my child self to "carry patience with me, everywhere I go," I think I would listen! Maybe things would have been easier to get through with patience by my side.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda....but the time is now!

That's why I'm hoping to instill that idea in your head. Because no one deserves to feel insecure, or obnoxiously anxious, or to give up on their hopes or dreams, to second guess themselves.
Don't stand in your own way!
Just breathe. Feel your heart beating in your chest. Relax. And know that you do have all the time in the world. It's yours!
I'm learning that too, a little bit every day.

When you find yourself stressing out over something, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, slow your thoughts, and tell yourself that no matter what, it will be okay.
When your child is upset, tell them to close their eyes, listen to their deep breaths, and say to them that no matter what, it will be okay.
Yeah, kids worry! Sometimes it won't matter in the moment what you tell them...that's just how they see life. But planting that thought into their head every time they feel hopeless or upset, will only benefit their future by teaching them patience.

Life is never perfect! Shit happens, but patience is for those imperfect moments where life seems hopeless and dull. So keep it by your side, always...

Patience helps you to understand. Only when you understand, do you grow.

We all need to not take life so seriously sometimes. To let go and enjoy the struggles and high times. That's life!

Live it freely and with patience!

with love,
-anything is possible!


Saturday, April 9, 2016

She




She is just a bag of bones.
Sitting on her boyfriend, cold and naked.
With her arms draped over his strong shoulders.
Her spine,
Digging through her back.
He plays her rib-cage like a washboard.
Feeling like fire against her skin, he holds her tight.
She closes her eyes and there She is.
Her black eyes, Her venomous grin.
She laughs,
Like razor-blades crawling slowly through your ears.
Her boney hands come up to cover her ears,
Letting him slip away.
She holds him captive,
As he holds her blindly.

(june2012)