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Showing posts from April, 2016

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Honey Sunshine Chai Tea Warm Milk

Blue Smoke. Curious Bird.

Follow Me! I saw him. Feeling overwhelmed as the blue smoke of his cigarette swam out of his mouth and curled out of his nostrils. I wonder what's on his mind right now... He looks behind him through those doors and sees me. Fuck. He must of felt my gaze... The doors open and the cold air snakes through my clothes, leaving me with rough skin. I walk over and stand next to him. Still a couple of drags away from finishing his cigarette, "You mind if I drag that? " I say. He turn to look at me, his eyes wide with wonder. I could see the world in them. "I didn't know you smoked.." I inhale the bitter-sweetness. He watches. Like a curious bird. (june2012)

We're All Dead Ringers

Follow Me! Haven't You Noticed? The Lust The Hate Feeling strangled in this state Of mind Over matter What's the matter with my mind these days... Knowing that I'm strong But feeling like I can't move on From the guilt and the questions that were never answered. No one cares It's nothing to anyone else! Climbing the ladder To the stairs                                                                                  To the bridge                                                               To NOwhere I swear I saw a light in the distance... Maybe it was my own reflection Hanging on the last thread of the rope around my neck. Where are the scissors? I chose life! Doesn't anyone understand that? I'm not who I was back then But I still have my vices... Gotta cope somehow Gotta pay the prices Don't you? We're all Dead Ringers Haven't you noticed? Infesting on the c

Weaning Off Of Wellbutrin

Follow Me! Stabilize! I wanted to write a short post about my current weaning situation. Yes, I am starting to wean myself off of my Wellbutrin. I got the okay from my doctor last week. I feel pretty freakin' stable so far. If you are new to my site and don't know my story, check out my post, " Antidepressants " so you can get a better idea of why I was put on Wellbutrin in the first place! For the past two weeks I have been only taking one 150mg pill every other day. And the past two days I haven't felt the "need" to take a pill at all. Which I feel very proud of myself because I'm not feeling any extra anxieties or depression or any of that crap. My doc told me that I should be completely off of my medication by two weeks, but said that I can still have the medication around for the days I feel I need to take it. I am so okay with that guys! It's been a really difficult beginning of the year I think. I think many people out ther

Longing

Follow Me! The flames of the fire were cold and dull. It didn't draw you in.  No one wanted to be near it, for it would only make your bones colder. At certain moments, when the moon shone onto the pit of flames, a cold, fiery woman would appear. Only then would the people come to the fire, only then did the fire draw you in. Her arms would raise up as her body twisted and danced like slow smoke slipping into itself. Her mouth would open as if to say something, but would only cough up embers and thick ashes. She would try and try again as the moon starts to slowly slip away. She'd let out a screaming sigh the moment before she'd disappear. And everyone circled around the cold pit of flames would stare hesitantly as if she might appear without the moon. Wanting to hear her words. Her story. The people would walk away, icicle teardrops stuck to their pale skin. And until tomorrow night, there would only the leftover hope of the moon staying out l

#I Got This!

Follow Me! It has come to my attention that I do, indeed, want another child! I know, I know , I made a whole post about why I only wanted one child, and then I recently made a post about my subtly changing mind, well now.... I'm going to write a post about my made up mind: Why I Want More Kids! Okay, I don't know if this is going to sound weird, but a lot of my inspiration came from my favorite YouTube FamChan, The Stauffer Life. No, they weren't my only source of inspiration, but I'll get into that next. I started watching The Stauffer Life on YouTube around the same time I wrote that blog post, " Why I Only Want One Child ." I have watched plenty of YouTube FamChan's and all of them I really enjoy and respect SO much, but I don't know what it is about this channel, this family , that really put huge inspiration in me. Watching them actually got me to get my own YouTube channel started. I'd always rolled the idea around in my h

Know Love

Follow Me! Time To talk about the things that we don't wanna talk about Like, Love, and Hate and things we can't create The people in our lives all under society's disguise The days and nights that we cry over the things that don't really matter like children- We all are!  And that's not gunna change... Change! Where are we? How did we get here? Ask the the infinite chaotic churning waves of the water When it made LOVE to Hope, Passion, and Time To think about the things that we don't wanna think about Like, Ourselves Death, regrets and how that last cigarette just might have been the one to break the camel's back Oh yeah, and Love. No love? KNOW love! And you might find that it's not that hard to find.. I mean, did you see the sun poke out today? (june2012)

Broken Atmosphere

Follow Me! The hollow bones of this town On the paint of no color. No sounds to be heard in this noisy place of chaos. Where did the city go? Last time I saw it, The Darkness was there. Maybe when the stars exploded When everyone had to shut their eyes for five seconds, it began to crumble To dust. Nothing but dust. And the people wandering around leaving dusty footprints behind them with only one question on their minds: Where did the city go? Droplets upon droplets of empty tears, Leaking out from the cracks of hearts and pounding deep breaths into this Broken Atmosphere. Using the rope of our fears to stitch it up. Letting go. Let it go. We already know This home has too many scars.

Well, I have a silly story...

Follow Me! To Be or Not to Be? I am coming on here to apologize for my short absence. Let me explain: Remember when I wrote my post " Why I Only Want One Child "? About a week or so later, I found myself.......feeling something happen in my soul. My soul was telling me that I wanted more kids! And it was very fucking frustrating because my mind kept telling me, "NO! NO I DON'T! I'M GOOD WITH ONE! I'M SERIOUS! SHUT UP!" And my soul would argue back, "Calm down, brain. I know what you really want." This arguement went on forever. It was like watching the two of them bicker at each other. The Angel and the Devil on my shoulders. I wanted them both to shut up! I was trying to ignore what was going on inside me. Sigh....and it was not working very well. When I wrote my " Loss of Libido " post, I was starting to really consider the idea. But that was crazy, right? How could I even do that right now? Realistically,

I Miss You.

Follow Me! For Wes: Dearest Wesley! I wanted to write a post for you. I know you have heard time and time again how much I thank you and love you for everything, but I can't say it enough. The world needs to know the amazing man you are...if I could, I'd arrange stars to say, "Wesley is amazing!" I LOVE YOU! Our story is an eventful one. An adventure. As you guys may have read throughout my posts, Wes is the man that was brought into my world when I was about to turn ten years old. When him and my mom got together, it was supposed to be on the down-low. I won't get into it, but basically, they were not supposed to be together. Thank god for Love and Rule Breaking! The first day I met him I drew him a picture...of him! He hung it up in his office and it stayed there forever. My mom fell in love with him, but I think I fell in love with him faster! I just knew he was always going to be with me. At the time he came into my life, I was going through

Daddy's Only Sleeping

Follow Me! The pancakes tasted too sweet in my mouth. The tips of my long dark hair were crusted with the syrup. I could hear the clock ticking above my head. My siblings knocking over Legos in the back room while my baby sister slept peacefully. Tick      Tick           Tick                Tick I stopped to look at my dad again, frivolously cooking too many pancakes, yelling on the phone at my first step-mother, burning each one. Maybe he put too much syrup on the pancakes to cover up the bitter, burnt taste, I dunno. My stomach started to hurt after awhile. I started thinking of all the bad nights here, in this very spot at this table. In this house. HER house... I knew she didn't love me. It was obvious. Especially when my dad wasn't around during the day time. I wasn't hers. I was, "that bitch's little girl!" My dad couldn't even have me in his lap for more that two minutes without her complaining. "Wha

An Open Discussion About Homeschooling!

Follow Me! To Homeschool....Or   NOT to Homeschool? THAT is the Question! I had a question for those of you who have been homeschooled and also those that ARE the homeschoolers! I've rolled around the idea of homeschooling David since I knew I was pregnant. I absolutely love the idea of giving my son the best education he deserves! Being able to give my complete devoted attention to him so that learning is much smoother. Where school is about learning and not about popularity! The only thing I worry about are the social aspects of homeschooling. And maybe it's because of the stereotypical thought that homeschooling prevents kids from becoming socially active or even socially accepted. I don't know much about it! All I know is that it's something I'm highly considering, and I'd like to hear from real people who have truths to say about their homeschooling time. What you loved, hated, didn't care too much for, and the social aspects of homescho

Learning Patience!

Follow Me! But... If there's one thing I could absolutely tell someone that they needed to carry with them through life, it would be patience . I am horribly impatient. It really sucks and I hate that it's probably my strongest weakness. In fact, if you've read all of my previous posts, a lot of what I write about, my life stories, wouldn't have been so... difficult ....if I had just known to take it one day at a time . To know that, eventually , everything was gonna be okay! Because, really, it is! Sometimes I take life way too seriously! And that right there, stems from my inability to be a patient person. Due to this "impatient-ness," I've started projects and not completed them. Aside from my mental breakdowns, me being the impatient person I am, has stopped me from finishing college. Being impatient has destroyed relationships. Being impatient has made me very anxious and stressed out! Even when I was a child! When I want someth

She

Follow Me! She is just a bag of bones. Sitting on her boyfriend, cold and naked. With her arms draped over his strong shoulders. Her spine, Digging through her back. He plays her rib-cage like a washboard. Feeling like fire against her skin, he holds her tight. She closes her eyes and there She is. Her black eyes, Her venomous grin. She laughs, Like razor-blades crawling slowly through your ears. Her boney hands come up to cover her ears, Letting him slip away. She holds him captive, As he holds her blindly. ( june2012 )