HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Crying It Out

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This one will probably offend lots of people. But I'm here to speak my mind. This blog is about my life stories and how I feel about certain parenting topics. How I'm raising my child. There are going to be some posts on here that are controversial to some, but hey, I'm a controversial person! I'm not here to "peer-pressure" parents out there to do what I do. I'm not here to make people feel bad, there are just topics that I feel need to be discussed. There are two sides to every story, and most of the time, I'm on the other side of the story. So I want to explain that side of the story, and why I prefer it. I'm here to share my opinions. If I offend anyone, I am deeply sorry. That is not my intention. Think of this post as more of a rant. And as always, thank you for reading.


A couple of weeks ago, my father invited us over for Easter dinner.

"Yeah, sure, okay, whatever, I'll go..." I thought.

We packed the kids up in the car and left the house around 5:30.
When we got there, my dad and step-mom were just sitting on the couch. I was confused.
Weren't we coming over for dinner...or??

We walked inside and they were hanging out with us like they normally do. Talking, joking, crass-humor. The kids wanted to go on a walk to the beach, so M took A and K for a little while. Now it was just me, David, and my dad and step-mom. It was always so quiet when it was just us. Like we all know the same secret and we shouldn't talk about it.

I got up to make some clam chowder for David and I, because David was getting pretty fussy.

By the time M and the kids got back, David and I were done eating, and the racket of the house came back to life. My dad asked us what we were doing for dinner.

M and I looked at each other confusingly and siad, "Um, I'm not so sure?"

"Yeah, us either." My dad responded.

By this time, I was already starting to get annoyed at my dad.

"YOU invited us over for dinner. The kids didn't eat specifically to have dinner here! They were hungry!" I thought to myself.

Sigh.

I told my dad we had to get going soon because we were all hungry and David was getting sleepy.

"Awww, so soon?" He whined.

M and I talked to him about how, the other day, M and I were cleaning K's room, but not together.
He asked, "Why not together?"
And we told him "Because David get's pissed off that we're not paying attention to him. He always needs one person."

He said, "Well, that's what playpens are for..." He looked at me like I was dumb.

"He doesn't like the playpen, dad. He'll be cool for about two minutes and then it's over. He cries and screams." I told him.

"And?" he said.

I got frustrated. "And I don't like that!"

"Babies cry, sagey. It's human nature. Just let him scream and cry!" He told me.

Here we go with THIS conversation again...

"I understand that it's human nature to cry, but when my baby is crying and screaming, I'm going to go see if he's okay!" I replied.

"Well, why? He's probably just fine!" He said.

Ugh...

"That's the point. He's probably fine. And I'm sorry, but I don't like when he cries and screams. It makes me sad! So if I want to cheer him up, I'm going to. And I don't care if you think that's spoiling him, there's only so much time when he's young like this, when he's going to cry for his mother." I said, strongly.

He scoffed at me, "Good luck with that."

This conversation, I have had before with trolls online. And I'm sorry, but I firmly DO NOT believe that, just because you go to your child when he's crying and screaming, does not mean you are spoiling him. I chose not to let him Cry It Out.

I don't care if he's crying just to get me over there. or to be picked up. Guess what? I'm gunna do it!

Why? You may ask...

Well for one, it may be human nature to cry and scream, whatever....but when a mother bear hears her baby bear calling for her, do you think she says to herself, "oh, he's probably fine. I wish he would just shut up!"

The animal inside us, knows not to turn our backs on our children. It's not like they sleep in separate dens, or nests or caves, etc.!

When I was very little, I would get into a fuss and my mom would put me in my room where I would scream and cry for her. To be let out. It was dark and lonely and I felt scared. She'd just tell me to be quiet. But how could I? So I'd cry and cry and scream until I passed out in my bed.

This is called, crying until absolute exhaustion. You've probably experienced that, right? When you are laying in bed and you're sobbing into your pillow and the next thing you know, you wake up! You didn't even remember falling asleep! That's because you literally cried yourself into exhaustion. And that can't be good for your developing mind, can it?

I co-sleep with my baby boy. We have a crib for him, about two feet away from the foot of our bed, and when he was born and we brought him home, we had a bassinet that he slept in, right next to the bed. He slept in it for one night. Breastfeeding was just easier with him right next to me! I'd breastfeed him at 3am, and we'd end up both falling asleep together.
The crib we have is really nice! It is a hand-me down, but it really is beautiful! Nice dark, red, wood. Nicely taken care of. And It can turn into a toddler bed as well, which is a huge plus. But really, we're just using the thing as a place to put our clean clothes.

I LOVE sleeping with my baby next to me. I didn't plan on co-sleeping, because I figured the bassinet would be enough as it was, right next to the bed. But there's just something about the way his soft breaths go in and out, like little waves of water echoing in my ear. And the way he smells, like honey, it's intoxicating! When I knew I could trust ourselves, as in M, David, and I, by all sleeping together, I was set in stone that I wanted to always have my baby sleeping next to me. Yes, yes, judge away.
My boy is a year and almost four months now, and he still cuddles right up next to me at bedtime. And I absolutely love it.

When David gets older, when he doesn't "want to sleep with mommy" because he's too old...although a heartbreaking situation in my head, I will feel grateful of the years I did get to cuddle with my boy. I will never, once regret that.

Another thing I will also not regret, is letting my baby "cry it out" until he passes out from exhaustion.

Let me explain something here, by "crying it out," I don't mean letting your baby cry for a few minutes while you do something real quick. Or having to set him/her down before you lose your cool. (Trust me, I've been there before). Sometimes you just need to catch your breath before you get too angry with your baby!

Crying It Out is when your child is crying, screaming even, and you leave your child alone to "cry it out" alone. And they STAY there, alone. For some women, it is a perfect method to "help the child learn independence" or "let the child self-soothe" or "to have ME-time." But studies have shown that "crying it out" actually does MORE harm than good.

A good couple of articles to read, if you want to take the time to read them, you can check out part one here, and part two here.

One main thing I read in those articles, was that using the Crying It Out method, will teach your child that no one responds to his/her cries and screams for help. They learn to suffer in silence!
As your child grows up, do you think that when they need your help with something, they're gunna come to you? They might! But really, if they have spent their young lives growing up knowing that when they need you, and you aren't here to help them, they probably feel like they CAN'T come to you for help. Not that they don't WANT to. They feel they can't! They have learned abandonment already! And worst yet, from their own parents!

This may sound overly-dramatic to some of you, but this is a big, fucking deal to me.

Seriously, read the damn articles! Look up the studies and research done for this supposed "magical" method. I kept an open mind about the Cry It Out method, but for me, it's just not my thing!

I'm sorry, but making sure my child knows that he can come to me for anything, that he can rely on me being there when he needs me, is NOT spoiling him. It's being a fucking mom.

If the Crying It Out method is what you use, and it works for you, great! I'm glad you found a method that works for your family. But this method, simply, is just not for me and my little family.

I had to bring this up because I felt it necessary to explain my thoughts to people. To give you guys a couple of good articles to read. To show you the other side of the story.

It angered me that my dad actually felt that way, and that he talked to me as if I was stupid.

To make me feel bad for wanting to be there for my child when he cries out for me.

If that's called "spoiling," then yeah! I'm gunna spoil the fuck out of my child.

I grew up feeling like I couldn't go to my mom for help. Like I wasn't allowed to. I learned to keep it inside. To be quiet. No one would listen. No one cares. And am I more independent? No! What good does it do to leave a child alone like that?


Yes, your child loves you. And as a young being, they want you. They need you. Their world IS you! So yeah, sometimes your child is crying, JUST BECAUSE they want you to hold them. To smile at them. So pick him up for the hell of it. What real harm can it do to assure your baby that everything is okay and you're here for him. That "mommy and daddy are just cleaning real quick, you can watch us baby boy!" It doesn't matter how the job got done, we got it done. Whether we took turns cleaning or not! This is how we do it.

When my son is older, I'm not going to put him away in his room alone unless he wants to be in his room alone. I'm here for him. It's what I was born for, for HIM!

With Love,
-sage

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