HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Saturday, April 16, 2016

I Miss You.

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For Wes:



Dearest Wesley!

I wanted to write a post for you. I know you have heard time and time again how much I thank you and love you for everything, but I can't say it enough. The world needs to know the amazing man you are...if I could, I'd arrange stars to say, "Wesley is amazing!" I LOVE YOU!

Our story is an eventful one. An adventure.
As you guys may have read throughout my posts, Wes is the man that was brought into my world when I was about to turn ten years old.
When him and my mom got together, it was supposed to be on the down-low. I won't get into it, but basically, they were not supposed to be together. Thank god for Love and Rule Breaking!
The first day I met him I drew him a picture...of him! He hung it up in his office and it stayed there forever.
My mom fell in love with him, but I think I fell in love with him faster! I just knew he was always going to be with me.

At the time he came into my life, I was going through a weird time.
I was still in my "daddy's little girl" stage, and at the same time, was really enjoying Wes's company. In fact, I was enjoying him so much, I started to feel guilty about it!

"But Wes isn't my dad...so why do I feel like he is...?" I'd say to myself.

Wes was unlike anyone I knew in my life. Ever.
He was so....warm. Gentle. And FUNNY!!!! He was the silliest man in the world.
He became my bestest friend ever!
When I was little I'd tell myself that if Love had a picture, it would be him. Hands down.
Unfortunately, I didn't show these direct feelings towards him, and I wouldn't even tell him I loved him until I was already gone...
I think he knew deep down that I loved him, and always wanted him around. I just wish I could have said that to him then.
Of course, he knows now.

Fifth, sixth, and seventh grade were complete Heaven and Hell. Fire and Water. Sweet and Spicy.
That's the best I can describe it.
I had a lot of issues and mom-dad drama going on.
I loved Wes but I wanted so bad to be with my dad. I don't know exactly what it was about the idea, or why, but it was just something I couldn't let go. I just needed to go.
I didn't realize how bad that must have hurt him until I, myself, became a step-momma.
In sixth grade, I begged my mom to let me go live with my dad and she refused.
At the time, I just thought she was being mean and selfish. Not letting me make my own decisions.
But I continued to beg and beg.
Eventually, she told me that if I got my grades up above D's and kept them there, that I could go live with him for seventh grade.
I was absolutely stoked!
Only later in life did I find out that Wes was the one who talked her into giving it a try.
As you all know, my dad is a total psycho. I didn't know that fully then.
Due to Wes's positive nature and his optimism in human beings, and the simple fact he didn't know my dad well, he felt that maybe after all these years, he could have changed.
Maybe living with my dad would be a good thing!
Unfortunately, we were all wrong.
Towards the end of sixth grade, we got a call from my step-mom saying that my father had attempted to kill my adopted brother, and that they were now both in jail.
She said that my dad had choked him so hard that my adopted brother was spitting blood.
There's a whole nother opposite truth to that story which I'll get to in a different post.
Well, moving to my dad's was out of question. And I was so angry.
I was so angry at my dad...but I took it out on the only people who were close by: My mom and Wes.
That was the summer I started falling into a deep depression. I hated myself. I hated my dad. I hated just Being.
I started to restrict myself of food, and I'd take the razor-blades out of pencil sharpeners and use them on myself, though I preferred safety pins (I don't know why).
I put my mom and Wes through hell.
In seventh grade they found out...
They didn't understand why I was trying to hurt myself.
I told them I hated being put in the middle of my mom and dad. Which was true, I did hate that, but in all honesty, I just hated being alive. I felt undeserving of anything. My own mind was turning on me. I was falling deeper into the deep, dark, empty abyss.
They gave me the option of going to a hospital, or going to psychotherapy.

I chose the latter.

Wes found this great place for me to go. Of course, I hated going....but I am so thankful for it now.
The summer of seventh grade changed my life.
My mom, Wes, and I all went traveling the whole summer. It was the one summer I didn't go to South Lake to visit my dad. That was also the start of when my feelings for my father were dissipating.
Wes and my mom took me to Georgia to visit family and friends. We also drove to South Carolina which was absolutely beautiful. Both places were!
In South Carolina, we stayed at one of Wes's friends house...we'll call him A.S.
We all walked around, and ended up going to this really cute restaurant. My stomach hurt horribly, so I don't think I ate much.
I felt sick to my stomach. I thought maybe I was getting a stomach bug.
So I excused myself to the restroom and locked the door.
When I pulled my skirt down, all I saw was black. There was tar in my underwear! What the fuck was this?!
I thought I was dying! I didn't know what to do, so I didn't tell anyone until we got back to A.S.'s house.
It was just my mom and I and when I told her, she was stoked for me. I didn't understand why!
She then said, "Welcome to Womanhood!!!!" and she left to get me pads. Giant pads.
Little twelve year old me had finally got her period. In South Carolina.
And I was so humiliated to not know that I got it.

"Wasn't blood supposed to be red?" I thought.

After I got out of the shower, my mom came back with a giant pillow's worth of pads and some Ben&Jerry's Phish Food.

From Georgia, my mom and I went to NYC. It was my very first time seeing The Big City.
I thought it was the craziest place in the world. It was massive! And my feet could not stop hurting! My mom dragged me everywhere...e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.
I absolutely loved it, but I was sick the whole time! I was glad to be moving on to the next place after my sickness was out of my system.

That whole summer, we all traveled to Washington (to visit grandma), Utah (our usual camping spot in moab and desert rocks music festival), South Dakota (camping in the badlands, horseback riding, mount rushmore), Montana (visit our close friends), Georgia and South Carolina (family and friends), and New York City (friends and tourist-ing). All in just two months.
It was an eye-opening summer experience, and the best childhood summer ever. Hands down.
It was like that summer grabbed me right out of the darkness and put me back where I belonged: In the light with Wes and my mom. My family.

Eighth grade was much brighter.
I felt hope for the future, My mom and Wes had been engaged for awhile now. My mom had graduated from college, Wes was doing what Wes did, I had a best friend named Sofie whom I met in the middle of my seventh grade year.

I was falling more in love with Wes. I considered him my true dad.
Through everything I'd been through during middle school, my father was never there for me. He had every opportunity to be there, and he chose not to. I was.....disappointed with him.
But, as long as I had Wes, I was okay.
That's what I mean by Heaven and Hell. It was the hardest period of my childhood, but Wes was my sanctuary. Without him, I don't know where I'd be today. Who I'd be...
If I'd even be here...
Wes helped me through so much.
He always had talks with me. About life. About love. Silly stories.
I'd read to him. And sing to him.
We'd go tubing down the Platte River (not a sanitary idea by the way).
Ride bikes together, and the best thing ever: jumping on his belly!
We learned to play guitar together. He got me piano lessons (which didn't last very long).
He made me feel like a human being for the first time. Not some insignificant.....object.

I loved Loved LOVED him.

I loved when he sang in the shower.
I loved when he was concentrating on his work.
I loved his laugh.
I loved his cooking.
I loved his silly faces and dance moves.
I loved the way his futon smelled in his room. (He smells like sunshine!)
I loved his friends and his family.
I loved his red guitar.
I loved his big shoes.
I loved the shape of his hands and fingernails.
I loved the silver in his hair.
I loved the shape of his smile.
I loved his big hugs.
I loved his walk.
I loved when he wore suits.
I loved when he baked bread.
I loved when he kissed my mom.
I loved when he'd kiss the top of my head.
I just loved.

And I still do.

He was everything to me.

And he still is!

You guys all know him and my mom didn't work out. I've already said that before. And thinking of that day is the hardest thing to think about. It was the hardest thing to deal with in my life. Above everything else. And I didn't realize that until about December of 2015...

Luckily, no matter what, Wes and I have always been here for each other. No matter what. Through thick and thin. We always will. He is my dad! My Soul-Dad. The best dad there is...

He inspired me to be a good person. To have faith in people. In the world!
He inspired me to DO something with my life. To be "A Wes" to people out there in the world.
He sparked something inside my heart the day he met me.

Him and his stunning, beautiful, Wes-Twin wife, are both living happily in Grenada.
Far away from California.....but never far from my heart.
I miss them dearly....it's hard not to get down when I think about them. Not because of them specifically, but because of the distance between us. I miss his sunshine smell. And his big warm arms. And I miss his wife's sweet voice and glowing skin. Her soft eyes.

In time, I know we'll see each other again. Hopefully sooner than later.

There's a whole book inside me that I could write about Wes. About our story. About my love and gratefulness for having him in my life, no matter where he is.

I don't know why I had to write this today. I have just been thinking about him so much and Wes and I have such a good relationship together, he has heard these things before. I've told him a lot. But, I can't tell him enough. So oh well.

I am one lucky woman to know this amazing man. That's what it comes down to.

I love you Wesley. So so much.

-s







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