HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Monday, April 11, 2016

Learning Patience!

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But...


If there's one thing I could absolutely tell someone that they needed to carry with them through life, it would be patience.

I am horribly impatient. It really sucks and I hate that it's probably my strongest weakness.
In fact, if you've read all of my previous posts, a lot of what I write about, my life stories, wouldn't have been so...difficult....if I had just known to take it one day at a time.
To know that, eventually, everything was gonna be okay! Because, really, it is!
Sometimes I take life way too seriously!
And that right there, stems from my inability to be a patient person.

Due to this "impatient-ness," I've started projects and not completed them.
Aside from my mental breakdowns, me being the impatient person I am, has stopped me from finishing college.
Being impatient has destroyed relationships. Being impatient has made me very anxious and stressed out! Even when I was a child!

When I want something to happen, I want it to happen yesterday.

And having to wait, God forbid, for whatever....drives me insane.


I'm sorry! I'm working on it.


Before becoming pregnant with David, I was so much worse.
But I think the pregnancy itself, taught me a little more about patience.
Having to wait for those magical moments, like the kicking and the hiccups and seeing how big your belly will actually become, and then the Grand Moment: Seeing him for the very first time...

Surprisingly enough, I took that whole "patience thing" during my pregnancy very, very well.
In fact, I don't know if I've ever been that patient before in my life.

Of course, after the birth I started to get antsy again.
Just.....not as bad!
Well before the pregnancy, and M and the kids, and moving to Tahoe and all that, I was a completely different person, mostly...
I never understood people who could "live in the now" or "focus on today."
I thought it was a silly idea!
If you don't think about your tomorrow or your next year, how will you know if what you're doing is right? If what you're doing is beneficial to your future?

I guess being impatient came from my early childhood.
Always wondering, always wanting, always wishing.
And I guess that's pretty normal as a young child, but I just didn't fall out of that habit. I didn't learn patience!
I never understood that I had a future. I've felt like time was running out. And if whatever it was that I wanted or needed to get done, it needed to happen now or else it was never gunna happen.
So as you can imagine, I've always been one of those people who are constantly on edge.
Even if I'm just sitting peacefully on the bus, or relaxing on a couch. Inside, I am not "relaxing," I am not "sitting peacefully."
I think that has a lot to do with why I became such an anxious freak!

Being patient would have probably helped me in SO many ways.
I was so self conscious growing up, I really didn't have a self esteem.
I didn't think I was pretty, I wanted to have boobs like all the other sixth grade girls, and when my best friend at the time got her period in fifth grade, I was jealous! Angry jealous!
I wanted my period so bad!!! (Boy would I regret that!)
I dyed my hair black, wore a black ribbon around my neck, wore giant, black platforms, wore tight black sweaters, and was only sixty-seven pounds in sixth and seventh grade.
I was an awkward kid!
If only I knew that I would grow into a beautiful woman, I don't think I would have been so hard on myself.
I never thought anything good about myself growing up. And whenever someone would compliment me, I'd think they were lying.

Patience, patience, patience!
How much I needed that damn patience!

In eighth grade I auditioned for Denver School of the Arts to be in the theatre program. You had to prepare two monologues, one dramatic, one comedic, and perform them in front of four judges and a senior student audience and present your portfolio.
Holy shit.
I went in there, freaked out, ran through my monologues, told them about myself, and said thank you.
They told me I was basically racing through the monologues and they couldn't understand what was going on.
They then asked me, "why my portfolio had drawings that I've done when I was auditioning for theatre."
I told them it was, "to show them my various talents."
They seemed to smile at me in pity and told me, "thank you, we will get in touch with you soon."
And I left. Broken-hearted. I just knew I wasn't going to get in.

Oh, patience, patience, patience...
Relax sage!

I didn't get in. And I was okay with that, I had come to terms long ago, that it just wasn't for me.
But I gave up theatre all together...

Sigh, patience.

High school rolled along, and as you know, you get pretty sucked in into being a teenager.
The world is now bigger than it seemed before, but you're still the center of the Universe.
The beginning of freshman year, I was probably the most confident I'd been in my life.
I felt pretty good about myself. Life itself was great! I had my mom, I had Wesley, I was a freshman and was making friends for the first real time, the SUN was shining!
And then I met my best friend Z. (Not Z. Walker) Just Z.
She was so fucking gorgeous and so fucking cool.
I knew I needed to be her friend!
I didn't know that being her friend would seriously damage the good confidence I had in myself the whole I was at East.
Because now, she was the one that had the confidence I wanted! She was the one who had it all.
I was jealous.

If only patience had taught me that she really wasn't all that confident and her family struggles were just as complicated as mine.

Z and I had many falling outs. Over boys, jealousy, annoyance, disagreements, and even me moving out to Tahoe and continuing to talk to the guy I was involved with at the time!
But time and time again (patience) we always made amends. Z and I are like sisters. We've known each other for eight and a half years and it's not goin' anywhere.

Being in Tahoe when I hated the fact I was here, all my brain could think about was moving back to Colorado. My future. My future with Max in Colorado.
I was so focused on being pissed off and wanting to be in the future, I fucked up a lot of shit in my life.
I fucked off school, almost dropped out, got myself into some horrible relationships, involved with gross, perverted men, was high literally twenty-four-seven. Either by marijuana or bag fulls of mushrooms.
It was the only time I felt okay!

I was this close to missing out on the life I have with M. I can't even imagine my life without him...
And all because I just couldn't wait to be somewhere else.

Trying for a baby was always a let down because I'd always get my hopes up too high and when I'd get a negative on my pregnancy test, I'd be down for days.
Eventually, I just gave up on trying! I figured it wasn't possible for me to conceive a child.
So what was the point?

As soon as I stopped thinking about it, I fell pregnant.
I was going to stop trying altogether!!! Then I see two dark lines on the pregnancy test!!!!!
I even made an appointment with a fertility specialist a week before we found out!!
I swear it was like the Universe telling me, "Woah sage, calm down! Relax, now is your time!"
Since that day, I've kept that thought in my head.

It's hard some days of course, especially with a baby and two teens, but....I'm living more in the moment than I have before.

What comes is what comes!

If the Universe didn't want that something for you at that moment, to me it's just saying that I'm not ready yet.

"Now is not the time."

Not only that, but with learned patience comes learned confidence!
Although I don't find my body to be in the best shape, mentally I do feel the most confident I absolutely ever have!
I have worked on getting the people who make me feel horrible or who belittle me, out of my way of being the strong, patient, confident, person I want to be.
Because there's nothing that those people do except hold you back. They make you doubt yourself. They can't take you seriously!
Fuck that shit!
You don't deserve that and they definitely don't deserve you!

Patience isn't only involved with your future, but your past just as well!
Learning to accept your past, learning to accept everything from your past....takes a lot of patience. Sometimes looking into your past, trying to figure out how you became this way, is very painful.
It's a process! But as you dig into your past to clean it up, you can fully focus on what you want for yourself for the future.
And I'm not talking about spending all of your time worrying about your future, but more of a small picture of where you want to be. Who you want to be.

For me, I simply cannot be one of those "in the moment" people.
I have to have some sort of idea about what I want to do so I have a feel for where I'm going. Especially now that I have my own baby boy.
But that also doesn't mean I'm losing my shit because things are moving a little bit slower than I'd like! I'm okay with that! Because I know eventually I'm going to be where I need to be.
And I can still help push things forward along the way.

I take life one day at a time, while having a future in mind!
That's all anyone can do!

As a child without Patience, I had no confidence.
Without Patience, I was constantly worried and always jealous of someone or something!
Without Patience, I gave up a lot of what I dreamed myself of doing. I didn't think I could do it!
Without Patience, I became an anxious person!
Without Patience, I always doubted myself and the people around me.

The impatient days I experience now, I miss out on enjoying the small moments.
And at the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed, I regret how I reacted in a certain moment because I bet that moment wasn't as bad as I thought it was.
Why would I want to feel this way?
Why would anyone?!

If I could go back in time to tell my child self to "carry patience with me, everywhere I go," I think I would listen! Maybe things would have been easier to get through with patience by my side.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda....but the time is now!

That's why I'm hoping to instill that idea in your head. Because no one deserves to feel insecure, or obnoxiously anxious, or to give up on their hopes or dreams, to second guess themselves.
Don't stand in your own way!
Just breathe. Feel your heart beating in your chest. Relax. And know that you do have all the time in the world. It's yours!
I'm learning that too, a little bit every day.

When you find yourself stressing out over something, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, slow your thoughts, and tell yourself that no matter what, it will be okay.
When your child is upset, tell them to close their eyes, listen to their deep breaths, and say to them that no matter what, it will be okay.
Yeah, kids worry! Sometimes it won't matter in the moment what you tell them...that's just how they see life. But planting that thought into their head every time they feel hopeless or upset, will only benefit their future by teaching them patience.

Life is never perfect! Shit happens, but patience is for those imperfect moments where life seems hopeless and dull. So keep it by your side, always...

Patience helps you to understand. Only when you understand, do you grow.

We all need to not take life so seriously sometimes. To let go and enjoy the struggles and high times. That's life!

Live it freely and with patience!

with love,
-anything is possible!


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