HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Friday, April 8, 2016

Loss of Libido: Pregnancy, Birth, and The Year After

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Dried out, hot, and bothered...


I can remember the exact moment M and I conceived David. I remember the day, the time, pretty much everything.
And no, I'm not going into details here.
That day was probably the last time making love felt like making love.
That was also the last day M and I really ever made love for a very, very long time.

During the pregnancy, I was in a blissful state of mind almost the entire time.
But I wanted absolutely nothing to do with making love. My body felt, reserved.
I had my moments, but they were always at the wrong time. And in the end, nothing would end up happening.
We made love once during the entire pregnancy, and I can't explain what came over me that morning, but it was like nothing could stop me.  It was like the thought and feeling of making love flooded my entire body, and I didn't feel in control of myself, I needed M. It was the strangest feeling! And in the end, I felt pretty embarrassed!
To me, I felt like I was the only one who was really into it. Who felt that way. So when we finished, it felt like I made a fool of myself. Even though that was entirely not the case.
After that last time, we didn't do it again. Especially after I had David.
I don't know if it had something to do with me being embarrassed like that during that one time, or if I was just embarrassed about having a baby.....maybe a good mixture of both!
But to me, sex changed in my eyes and mind. Not that I didn't think it was an amazing, magical, spiritual experience...but it was...different now.
When the idea of making love popped into my mind, the picture in my head would be like how it was before I got pregnant: Sensual, romantic, powerful, passionate, liberating!
But when it came down to it, it all felt very mechanical. There was no passion in it, I couldn't feel anything!
This loss of mine really got to the core of me. My very soul. Making love was one of my most passionate, spiritual times. And now, there was nothing inside. I felt......broken.
I felt horrible about M because we were so used to just making love all the time. Most of the time we'd somehow make time time for three long sessions a day!
And I cut him off, cold turkey. Not intentionally, but I did.
This had a lot to do with why I became so depressed and so anxious after the birth. Breastfeeding was the only thing giving me any type of sensual feeling anymore. And when that stopped, I had nothing else to back it up with. Trust me, I tried. A lot. But I just could not get that feeling back.

After awhile, I just gave up.

I didn't want anything to do with sex.
I didn't even like to be touched.
I think giving birth by having a c-section really disturbed me more traumatically than I imagined it would. To this day, I can't stand the thought of someone cutting me open like that. Putting their hands inside me, pushing my parts around.
And after the birth, my body was still taken over by this baby of mine.
He was always around me, always touching me. Which I didn't mind! But I think it really took some deeply, needed attention away from M and I. Whenever M wanted to touch my body, I would move away or hide my body. It hurt M's feelings.
It didn't help too that I didn't have the body I used to before the pregnancy.
Yeah, I know, that is supposed to happen.
But, I gained sixty-seven pounds from starting out at only 111 pounds pre-pregnancy.
My stomach's circumference, by the time David was ready to come out, was fourty-seven inches around. I'm not a big girl, so my stomach paid the price.
I got stretchmarks where I didn't think was possible you could get stretchmarks! (on my crotch)
I didn't care too much about getting stretchmarks on my thighs or breasts or belly....but my crotch?!
C'mon!
Since I was still pumping, my breasts would leak at random times, so touching them was a complete no-no on the list. I was simply off-limits.
What happened to me?! Was pregnancy and birth really that traumatic? Was my body really that horrible looking?
Maybe I couldn't get over the fact that a human body came out of a human body. My human body!
Everyone knows that's how it works.....but it's completely different when you're the one experiencing it. It's incredible! And incredibly scary....well, for me!
They say when it comes to sex with you partner, well, lack of it.....to do it even when you don't feel like it. I guess it sorta tricks your mind into thinking you actually want it. Eventually, you fall back into your usual pattern.
That "trick" didn't work for me.
No matter what I did, what he did, I couldn't get into it. I literally couldn't feel anything. Not down there, and not in my heart. Not for this. I couldn't even get myself off!
It was like my mind wanted to, but my body refused.
Perhaps my body just didn't want to go through all of that again...
And that made me so upset! My own body had betrayed me. And in turn, I left M out in the dark.

It started to take it's toll on the relationship...
M and I were becoming very distanced.
He was starting to become depressed, and my anxiety was so extreme I couldn't stop thinking and moving around, I was exhausted!
When M went to the hospital for a severe panic attack, I couldn't help but to blame myself for putting him here. It was my fault. Really, it was!
I went through my cycle of anxiety and depression, and instead of asking him for help like I usually do, I shut him out. Completely.
It only did worse for the relationship! I didn't understand that at the time, I just didn't want to bother him with my problems and insecurities anymore.
Not too long after M was put on meds, I was also in the hospital for the same reason.
I knew I couldn't handle being and feeling this way any longer.
I wanted M back! I wanted our life back! We needed to make love like it was the first time.
And in order to make it there, I had to start working on my insecurities and anxious racing thoughts. The medication was helping my depression tremendously.
I helped M get back to his usual self which also helped me to get back to mine.
One day, I finally felt something down there...
Could it be??

M and I finally got this family routine down. I know what to expect from David, and when. So I don't have to worry about schedules or any of that. We know when David takes his naps, when he eats, when he bathes, and we he goes down for the night. My step-kids are easier of course because they are already in their own worlds. Nothing is chaotic anymore. Things calmed down dramatically. There were moments of quiet in the house!
WHAT?!

After things settled down, I think I was finally able to relax a bit. Let go.
Making time for love making was still complicated as David sleeps in between us (I refuse to let him sleep anywhere else). But, when we had the opportunity, we went for it. There have been times where it's just not worked out, whether it was for me or for him, but then there's rare moments of complete symbiotic, amazing, love making. And those rare moment definitely out beat any moments previous to pregnancy. It was good back then....but it's somehow better now. When it works...

Sex is, by all means, not the only important factor in a relationship! But it is a serious one...
Sex is magical, spiritual....it's a whole new manifestation of the energy you and your partner create together! Sex creates life! It opens up your energy chakras, detoxifies your body! Cleanses your soul, purifies your mind! When your body, mind, and soul are deprived of all those things, you become very unhappy and unhealthy. Negative. Insecure.
And yeah, pregnancy and birth can be a highly traumatic experience, no matter how amazing it was in the moment, but its toll on your mind and your physical self, can be highly damaging.

Because of this sexual loss, I was becoming toxic inside. Filled with bad thoughts and insecurities. Leading me to be back on my medication, and almost ruining the relationship I have with M!
Insane, right?

For some women, sex may not even be an issue when it comes to being pregnant or giving birth and those after effects. And for others, sometimes they have it way worse that I did! And I can only imagine how incredibly sad and horrible they must feel. Feeling the way I did, but times ten!

But, with lots of patience and lots of love......you will get it back.

Just take it one day at a time!

And remember.....your body is absolutely amazing! It's beautiful! It created a human life, and you grew and took care of that human life inside you for nine whole months!
It's going to take some time to get adjusted to that. So don't stress! Love yourself for the amazing woman you are. Love each mark you have on your body. Any extra skin that is there.
Trust me, your partner loves you all the same.

Again, I have to mention Adina Rivers for the help she instilled in me and my relationship...
She is so amazing. And if you find yourself going through what I am slowly getting out of, please go to her YouTube channel and watch her videos. I guarantee there will be something there for you! Not only is she so inspiring, but she's got a good sense of humor and is true to her nature. I can't thank her enough!

I'd like to thank you all for coming to my blog and taking the time to read through my posts. It's been really amazing to know there's actually people at there at least scrolling through. 
I hope there's at least an entertaining aspect for you to enjoy!
I know I don't really leave questions in my post like I should, but I'm slowly working this whole, blog-thing, out. So please, feel free to ask questions or comment on a post, or email me. It would help to get feedback so I know what to do, what you guys hate/like, etc.
Okay, bye for now!

Much love,
-sage



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