|To Be or Not to Be?|
I am coming on here to apologize for my short absence. Let me explain:
Remember when I wrote my post "Why I Only Want One Child"?
About a week or so later, I found myself.......feeling something happen in my soul.
My soul was telling me that I wanted more kids!
And it was very fucking frustrating because my mind kept telling me, "NO! NO I DON'T! I'M GOOD WITH ONE! I'M SERIOUS! SHUT UP!"
And my soul would argue back, "Calm down, brain. I know what you really want."
This arguement went on forever. It was like watching the two of them bicker at each other.
The Angel and the Devil on my shoulders.
I wanted them both to shut up!
I was trying to ignore what was going on inside me.
Sigh....and it was not working very well.
When I wrote my "Loss of Libido" post, I was starting to really consider the idea.
But that was crazy, right?
How could I even do that right now?
Realistically, having another baby right now would just not be ideal.
Yes, we would be okay eventually....but it just wasn't the best idea.
So why couldn't I shake the thought out of my head?!
Little David having a baby sister to watch out for! Playing together...a little mini-me! Dressing her up, reading to her, watching them argue and make up, going to the park, the beach, roadtrips. Sigh...
All the amazing cuddles! Trying breastfeeding again! The extra giggles and messes! It sounds so perfect to me. I even thought about having three!!! T-H-R-E-E
I went from only wanting one, to wanting three!!! Huh??
Well, about a week or so after my "Loss of Libido" post, I turned up with three faint positive tests over a three day period.
I went to the doc and she also tested me for a pregnancy, but the urine test came up negative.
When she asked to see my home pregnancy tests, she was 100% convinced I was pregnant, so she ordered a beta blood test for me at the hospital, even though I still had not missed my cycle.
At this point, I was pretty much convinced that I was pregnant.
What did this mean? What was going to happen?
I sat in the lab surrounded by phlebotomists who were trying to teach a student how to properly draw blood from someone's arm (mine).
The nervous student asked, "Do I have your permission to draw your blood today? I am a learning student."
I'm not an asshole! This is how people learn, right? Of course I'm not gunna turn her away.
She did very nicely going in! Luckily I'm not one of those people who have needle phobias. I actually don't mind them so much.
But when she was trying to take the needle out, something happened, and there was blood everywhere. It hurt!
But.....it wasn't something I couldn't handle...
I didn't mind. This was a learning experience for her! I wasn't going to be a bitch to her because she made a slight mistake!
She apologized profusely, but I insisted I was totally fine and she was okay!
They took my vile of blood and I crossed my fingers.
I left with David feeling.....sorta guilty. Guilty that I wanted this baby. I wanted the blood test to be a good strong positive.
To have a high, or least normal, beta level!
I walked away with hopeful uncertainty.
This was yesterday. And yesterday was actually the first day I felt the way I did right before I found out I was pregnant with David.
Yes, I had minor symptoms the past two weeks, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have tested, but yesterday was different.
I felt even more hopeful.
A couple hours later, my doc called to tell me that my beta level was a low, 1. One. O-N-E.
She told me that since I wasn't due for my cycle yet, that there was still a possibility I was pregnant but that it just wasn't showing up yet.
She wanted me to keep testing and to see her the following week.
I was so confused. How come I kept testing positive at home (a faint positive is a positive nonetheless), but I didn't pass the blood test?
I was beginning to lose hope.
Now feeling guilty for losing hope. And feeling guilty for wanting to have another kid.
Confused and frustrated.
I tested again this morning and guess what? Same faint positive. I'm starting to think that the tests were faulty.
So my current feelings? I feel......blah.
I feel bummed about the negative blood test, but then I tell myself that it's just not my time for that yet. And then I feel sorta okay.
What happens is what happens. Baby or not. I have come to terms that I'm probably not pregnant. But I worry that this may be my only chance! I know that probably sounds silly, but realistically unrealistic, I probably scared the hell out of my M and he's not going to want to come anywhere near me (no pun intended).
In fact, just a few weeks ago he mentioned the idea of getting a vasectomy. It broke my heart to hear him say that.
Yes, I know it's reversible. But even then, the chances of conceiving after a vasectomy are not high.
I already have a hard time conceiving as it is! And not only that, but there are complications that can occur with a vasectomy. Yeah, yeah, every surgery does. But this is M we're talking about! Surgery and M do not go well in my poor mind.
I am also not one to take birth control. To me, I don't agree with birth control pills and they do not agree with me. I just track my cycles. Simple.
Anyway, I am lucky enough to have David! He is the most magical, amazing, beautiful thing in my whole Universe. He is what I was brought here into the world for.
And maybe someday, he will have a sibling to share the world with..
There are things I'm working on. For myself, for the future, for my family's future!!! Could I do that with another baby by my side? Of course! It would just be harder, more complicated. Maybe my life doesn't need extra complicating right now.
Did I ever tell you guys that I want to move to Hawaii?
Well I do. Very much so.
We're working on that right now.
I want to be a kindergarten teacher! And I'm really starting to gravitate more and more towards homeschooling my son.
I'm starting college (yes, for the third time), in the fall.
Third times the charm, right?
I think what's different about this time is that I actually know what I want to do. The past two times I went, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I went because I felt like I needed to. I didn't want to disappoint my many parents. (That is never a reason to go to college by the way, do it for you!)
My ultimate goal is to leave the United States altogether.
I want nothing to do with this country.
(I can make that a whole nother post about why I want nothing to do with America).
If I can make it to where I am successful enough to travel the world and build schools and teach little kids, all while raising a big happy family....boy will I be one happy momma!
Anyway, I had an idea I wanted to throw at you all!
I am going to start a vlogging channel on YouTube soon (probably something family based, day-in-the-life style, maybe bring up blog posts and discuss them)?
I wanted some vlog ideas thrown at me that you guys might be interested in! And a bonus, you can finally meet most of the people that are in my blog!
So yeah, shoot me some ideas or thoughts on this!
Speaking of YouTube, if you wanna check out some of my favorite YouTube-r families, I totally suggest you check out:
The Stauffer Life / Myka Stauffer / James Stauffer (DIY)
Ellie and Jared
They are all very different to me, yet they are all such amazing, inspirational people and parents.
Maybe one day, my little family vlogs will inspire others out there, like these family vloggers did and do, for me!
Okay, so I guess that is all for today. I just wanted to let you guys know why I hadn't written much of anything in a little while.
A LOT has been on my mind.
I have a lot in store for you all so please stay tuned and share with others!
I also wanted to thank all of you out there in the world who are reading this blog, even if only for one minute. Scrolling through, doing whatever you do.
I go on every morning to look at the many different countries around the world who have visited my blog. And let me tell you, it's so crazy to me to see that there are people out there in Israel, Germany, Indonesia, Kuwait, Russia, Dubai, Egypt, and so many more, reading my blog.
It means the world to me guys. So thank you so much.
And please, Please, PLEASE stick around and watch out for my upcoming youtube channel. (Ill post it here when its ready to go!) And again, please comment ideas for the channel.
I want to make sure I'm making videos that you all would actually be interested in! Nothing boring for you! I am really enjoying what I'm doing. Thank you for making it enjoyable <3