HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

My Two Week Wait



Okay, here I sit at the desk with a mixed vodka drink, listening to some reggae while my baby boy plays on the couch taking his diaper off and giggling about it.

Today was much more uneventful than I expected it to be. I forgot how awkward it is to speak to a stranger about your problems. Your quirks. Especially on the first visit where they don't really say much, they just sit and listen and nod their heads and look at every movement you make.

My therapist was very nice, but it's going to take me some time to get used to someone random knowing about all my hidden secrets and feelings.

I guess you can call me Mrs. Vulnerable today.

My next appointment was supposed to be next week. She wants to see me weekly but I told her it wouldn't be possible due to our slim finances. So two weeks from now is when I see her next.
Sigh. I'm scared and nervous at what she has to say to me....really scared.
But what can I do?

J and I were supposed to get together today or tonight at some point but things "kept coming up" with her. So I was pretty bummed and am starting to lose hope in hanging out with her. She's done this before and every time I give her another shot, but it always ends the same way.
We'll see....we're supposed to kick it tomorrow.

I would tell you guys what's more on my mind, my fears right now, and what I, myself have concluded about myself, but I should wait.
All I can say is that I don't know what I'm gunna do. And I just really wish I had a good friend to talk to. Or my mom. Though she'll prolly just be like, "Ha! I told you so!"

I've been drinking a lot more often. It feels like the only way to slow my mind and body down.

Okay, I think that's all for now. I'll keep you all posted.

I've been wanting to write more on controversial topics or some more life stories, but my mind has just not been focused enough for that lately. Stay tuned....it will all return to me in time!

Thank you guys so much for reading <3

-s.


Monday, May 30, 2016

Tuesday. Tomorrow.

Epiphany Time?

Hello beautiful people!

I haven't written anything in awhile..

Again.

Lots has been happening and I'll explain a little further in a second.

Right now, David is snoozed out in the bedroom and M is taking a shower so he can get to work looking all handsome. K is having a sleepover at her friends house and A is chillin' in his room.

So a lot has been happening. Not really event-wise, just emotionally. Like usual.
This past "time" has made me realize some things about myself that I didn't before, and so I set up an appointment for this Tuesday for me to see a therapist, a real one, for the first time in three years.

I am excited. But really, more than anything I am scared. I have never been scared to see a therapist before and I've grown up seeing them. This time is a whole different story, and I'm really hoping to god I don't chicken out and not show up. I know I need to go, I just don't want to....

Listen guys, I'm not going to tell you too much of whats been going on with me until I safely unleash it all to the therapist. Trust me, it will all be better that way. And on Tuesday, I'll be sure to update you all on what's going on. Things are.......not good.

On a positive note, (I think), J and I, (the kids momma), are getting along better than ever. Since her being sober from alcohol for over a year, she's finally starting to come around. Does it make me happy? Yes! But it makes me nervous too....Double-Yes! If you knew her, you'd understand why. This is a whole nother reason why I am feeling so scared about life. I am not going to get into it.
Tuesday, folks.
J and I are going to grab some coffee together on Tuesday and hopefully I get to help her out with a job. I don't even like coffee! Well, I love the taste, but coffee makes me feel so shitty. I will make myself feel shitty just so I can hang out with a friend. It's silly but I almost wanted to ask her to come with me to my therapy appointment. But then I realized that would not be a good idea. I don't think. No. It wouldn't. Sigh. Ugh.

I'd just about do anything to hang out with a friend. Isn't that lame? I'm going to buy a shirt for myself that just has the letters L-A-M-E on the chest. Big and Bold.

I gotta tell you, it really sucks going through some shit and you don't have anyone around to talk to about it safely and comfortably. I mean, besides M, he already knows everything that's going on with me. But I mean, a girl. A best friend. I have a best girl friend, Z, but she is not here. I can't grab coffee with her because she is not here. I can't make myself feel shitty for Z.



EDIT: J cancelled the coffee date tomorrow because she has to go into work... Major sad face.

Well, okay, I'm rambling. Just wait for tomorrow and everything will start to make sense I think. It does for me anyway..

Thank you for reading!

I love you all!
-s.



Monday, May 23, 2016

Thinking About You Really Gets Me Down


It's still dark out. Winter. Cold Colorado morning.
Suitcase in hand, tears running from my weary eyes.
I walk closer to that broken-down, piece of shit truck and get in.
Immediately, nothing but the sound of music fills my ears.
Blocking everything out. It's all I need. My remedy. My cure.
I can see that my mother is talking to me.
I ignore her and close my eyes.
Only the music can tell me that everything is going to be okay.
We drive. 
The city still sleeping.
I feel like the only one dying in this city.
(february2011)

Friday, May 20, 2016

We're Just Catching & Releasing

Thought I'd share another song with you guys. Why not? Music is amazing!

Matt Simons Catch&Release (Deepend Remix)

Enjoy!

There's a place I go to Where no one knows me It's not lonely It's a necessary thing It's a place I made up Find out what I'm made of The nights I've stayed up Counting stars and fighting sleep Let it wash over me I'm ready to lose my feet Take me off to the place where one reveals life's mystery Steady on down the line Lose every sense of time Take it all in and wake up that small part of me Day to day I'm blind to see And find how far to go Everybody got their reason Everybody got their way We're just catching and releasing What builds up throughout the day It gets into your body And it flows right through your blood We can tell each other secrets And remember how to love Da da dum da dum dum dum Da dum dum dum Da dum dum Da da dum da dum dum dum Da dum dum dum Da dum dum There's a place I'm going No one knows me If I breathe real slowly I let it out and let it in It can be terrifying To be slowly dying Also, clarifying We end where we begin So let it wash over me I'm ready to lose my feet Take me off to the place where one reveals life's mystery Steady on down the line Lose every sense of time Take it all in and wake up that small part of me Day to day I'm blind to see And find how far to go Everybody got their reason Everybody got their way We're just catching and releasing What builds up throughout the day It gets into your body It flows right through your blood We can tell each other secrets And remember how to love Da da dum da dum dum dum Da dum dum dum Da dum dum Da da dum da dum dum dum Da dum dum dum Da dum dum Everybody got their reason Everybody got their way We're just catching and releasing What builds up throughout the day And it gets into your body And it flows right through your blood We can tell each other secrets And remember how to love

Monday, May 16, 2016

Follow-Up



I don't know if it's because of weaning off of Wellbutrin or if it's because Mercury is in Retrograde or a good mixture of both, but I have been feeling s-h-i-t-t-y.

Things have surfaced up that I don't know if I was ready for. Or that I didn't think I had.

I've been feeling extra down about my step-kids, well, more like my involvement in their lives. Or lack-thereof. It's been a decent almost five years together with M....and maybe I'm being impatient or whatever, but I wanna be married. And I want to have a happy family life. And right now, it's just the opposite it seems.

I feel so excluded from the family I've been trying to be accepted in to. Like the outcast I've always been. Not being listened to, not being stood up for. And when I stand up for myself, it blows up in my face. And I'm made the one to feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean there must be, right?

I feel like I'm slowly giving up on trying for that happy family. If no one else wants to be happy, why should I try to make them want to be happy. Don't I have any chance? Why can't I be given a chance to show them the bright side of life? Trust me, I know what I'm doing!

But lately, it's just been seeming a lot like I'm not going to be given any chances to share my life with these kids. And having more kids with M? What a dream!!! And what a dream it is....

I'm being straight up right now, okay? But things are much more complicated when you chose to be with someone who is older than you. I knew that! But when it came down to my own kids, I never considered the whole age-thing being a complication. M is thirty-six years old. You already knew that. And I really wish the feeling and idea of having more kids with him really stayed away. Because now I can't shake the dream and I know that having more kids right now is not going to be okay and it's just not the best time. But when? When is it? I'd prefer my kids to have their father around as long as I am too. Yeah, I know. This stuff never bothered me. But that was before I had David. And I don't like talking about death, but death is real. And true, I could die before M, but you never know about these things. What if in five years it's too late to have more kids? I told you, I'm an impatient person...
and sometimes I can be very weak. I've been feeling very weak and I wish this retrograde thing was over so I can start to feel like myself again.

My mom is still not talking to me. And I understand it, but I mean, really? Not even a "fuck off" or "go to hell" from her. Just nothing. Nada.
I wrote what I wrote, I thought about taking it down for her, but then realized that it's not about the blog posts. It's about my mom and I's relationship. Or lack-thereof. It was me telling my story. My genuine story. My feelings. Opening up. And when she wouldn't give me a chance to talk, I knew she wasn't going to let it go.
I knew she was stubborn, but I didn't think she was this stubborn.
I really hoped she'd see it from my view. And maybe she'd open up to me. But instead she turned it around on me. Tried telling me how I feel. Tried telling me it was my fault.

Yup, I wrote those posts, very personal posts, about my childhood. That was my choice. To be open with the world.
And my mom, is the opposite. She is a very private person. Very closed off. Very hard to get to know. That's what irked her about what I did. Putting our life out there for the world to see.
It was harsh, but I only wanted her to hear me. I may have been a horrible coward for telling her these things through a blog, but I did what I did and I'm not going to take that back.
Yesterday I was this-close to taking those posts down. I really was.
But why would I do that for her when she's not even meeting me halfway? She's trying to get me to delete them. Trying to get me to chose between her and those posts. But what she doesn't realize is that it's not about the damn posts, it's about standing up for myself. Sticking to my guns. Holding on to my truth.
Those posts are my truth.
So what, do I keep apologizing to her and delete my posts just so she will talk to me again and I can go on pretending like everything is okay between us just like I had been doing before?
Or do I keep them up and she just never talks to me again?

I miss my mom. I love my mom. And I wish she'd just shut up and realize that I'm really fucking trying to work it out with her. But she needs to know I'm not going to delete the posts. If she wants to ignore me, pretend like everything's fine, because she's too angry to want to try with me, I don't know what to say! I'm not going to profusely apologize to her or reason with her about anything with such a hard head that she has right now.
Like I said in one of those posts, sometimes in order to be healed, you have to be hurt.
I was hurt inside for a long time. And I ignored that for years. And all it did was fuck me up inside.
I hurt my mother. I really did. But I only hurt her so that we could heal together. Work on us. finally have the chance to start that mom-daughter relationship. Maybe I did it the wrong way, but either way, what I had to say was going to hurt her. And besides the many sorries and apologies I've said to her, I don't know what else to say or do. But I do know that I'm standing up for my truths. Myself! And if that means her never talking to me again, she made that decision. She chose to let her wound fester.



She doesn't read my blog anymore as you may have guessed, but if she stumbles upon this or whatever, it will probably only anger her further. There's is nothing right I can say right now I guess. I'm just saying what's on my mind. How I feel.

This dimness that I feel about my future is starting to make me question myself. Like maybe there really is something wrong with me. I take things too personally. I am too emotionally sensitive. I am! And I try so hard not to be. But really, how can I not take something so personal if I've been feeling left out in the dark. Not listened to. Not taken seriously.
Is it really that off for me to cry when my feelings have been hurt? Or when I feel like no cares if I'm there or not? The only person who reaches out for me is David. Literally. He will reach his little arms up at me and want me to hold him. He'll come up to me and kiss me. And he likes to snuggle with me. His momma.

Yup, I'm whining about stupid stuff. Online. To strangers. But really, I'm just trying to find people out there like me. Who have the same questions on their minds. Who wonder about the world. Who want to feel apart of something. Who want to be loved. I know I'm not alone, and I know you guys aren't either. Speak up! Tell your stories! And don't be afraid!

I'd get into more of why the step-kids have made me feel so.....down recently. But, honestly I'm just so tired of thinking about it all I don't feel like it.

I'm trying to take life one day at a time. I just wish I had one day where it felt like I had all the people I loved around me. And them wanting to be there with me too.

Digging my roots deep into the soil. Hold on for dear life as this emotional storm blows through this empty valley.

Stay strong guys.


Much love to you all, and thanks for listening to my sobby-rants.

Friday, May 13, 2016

A Song For You All

Okay I know this isn't my usual thing, but I've been having a bad few weeks and lots have happened the past couple weeks especially. Yesterday I watched the movie Begin Again for the first time and I loved it. So instead of writing something today, I thought I'd share this song with you all.

Much Love to you guys <3

Coming Up Roses

When you were asleep
And I was out walking
The voices started to speak
And they wouldn't stop talking

There were signs all around
It really got my mind racing
You were right all along
Something's gotta change

Hold on
Hold on there now for me
Hold on
Cause everything's coming up roses,
Roses

Now we're back on the street
Found a song that's worth singing
The bloody nose of defeat
While your victory bell's ringing,

My whole life's turned around
For this thing you keep chasing
You were right all along
That's me who's got to change

Hold on
Hold on there now for me
Hold on
Cause everything's coming up roses

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Momma's Day

HAPPY MOMMA'S DAY TO YOU ALL!


Mother's Day  used to be my favorite holiday.
I used to wake up early and make my mom breakfast in bed: Strawberry pancakes, eggs, and orange juice.

I'd go into my mom's room while she was still sleeping and wake up to give her her treat.

It made me so happy to see her wake up and smile.

Mother's day today is a sad one. For one, because my mom and I aren't really on speaking terms, and for two, my step-kids won't be here because they will be celebrating it with their momma.
I don't know if you know this but being a step-mom on mother's day feels so disheartening. It's been almost five years....and I still can't spend time with them on Momma's Day. And I don't know if that's me being selfish, but it's just how I feel. Oh well.

I called my grandma this morning to tell her happy momma's day and I really miss her so much. She's up in Washington all by herself. And I want so badly to be there with her to help her pull the weeds in the garden and do something special for her. Make her not feel so alone all the time.
If I could get in the car with David and go up there, I would. In a heartbeat.

I wish mother's day felt good again. I wish I was able to hug my step-kids and tell them how much I love them. I'm trying not to be so down right now, I just have a lot of my mind. The past three days have been hard. Well really, the past couple months have been hard.

Anyway, to all you beautiful, wonderful, momma's out there, I hope you have an amazing and happy momma's day <3 Don't forget to tell your kids how much you love and appreciate them, and that you respect them...for they are the ones who helped you to become the momma you are <3

I love you all!

Much Love,
s.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Why I Want Nothing To Do With America

So fucking act like it!


Okay, remember in my "I have a silly story post" how I told you all that I wanted nothing to do with America? Well I'm going to explain further about why. And no, this is not a I hate America rant, at least not yet.
But a rant nonetheless...

This isn't going to be a super political post either. Though I will say I am not satisfied politically.

This will be simply my thoughts about America's Mask, my fears of being apart of this country, and my dreams of moving outta here.

I grew up in Denver, Colorado. A place which I still hold very close to my heart. It will always be my first home.
I left Denver in December of 2010, the middle of my junior year at East High.
Growing up in Denver made me realize how political of a place it actually is. In fact, I don't think I've been anywhere else that's so passionately political in my life, but I guess that could be just because I lived there forever.

I always had the mentality, the idea, that America really was Land of The Free. Home of The Brave.
Going to baseball games, singing the National Anthem, holding my hand to my heart. Watching everyone around me do the same. Feeling proud of my home. America!

I don't know if it was because I fell into a dark place the beginning of my sophomore year, but I started to see things change around me. Or maybe reveal themselves to me.
The people weren't so happy looking anymore. Not like at the baseballs games.
I saw plenty of homeless people on my way to school and back, hanging out on 16th st., sleeping on Stoner Hill, hoping to smoke some blunts with us kids.

One time I was downtown with my best friend Zoe and we got two giant Chipotle burritos. Amazing as always. We both couldn't finish our food so we wrapped our burritos up, walked outside and threw them in the garbage.
About two seconds later, a younger homeless man with long, dirty blonde hair swooped in and grabbed the burrito and finished the thing in .25 seconds.

That moment in my life really seemed to put a spark in me.
I felt an immense amount of guilt inside.
I started to think about all the things in my life that everyone had that I wanted.
A new phone, better clothes, a car on my sixteenth birthday, to go to a hair salon every two weeks, make-up from Sephora, etc, etc.

How could I be so selfish?
When all this guy right here wanted to eat half of my thrown away burrito...

Sure, I had a torn up backpack, I didn't have amazing clothes, I didn't have a car, or a sweet phone, or perfect hair....but damn at least I had the things I needed. I was clothed, fed, clean, and able to get ahold of whomever, whenever!

I threw half a burrito in the trash!

I don't know what it was about that certain moment but it made me really think about the Home I lived. My morals. My ideals. This was America?

What did I really want in life? What really mattered to me? The real things.

From that point on, whenever I had extra cash, I'd give it to the homeless. Well, I used to..

Life was in tunnel vision for about three years. I hardly remember most things because I tried to block everything out.

When I left Denver, my morals, my ideals, my dreams, seemed to be left behind as well.

I threw everything away. I just didn't care anymore. I was at the point in my life where I realized that the world wasn't so innocent. People weren't so great. And I really couldn't rely on anyone. We were all so mentally screwed!



I made friends with bad people. I overdosed on pills, got into terrifying sexual experiences where I was taken advantage of, met people who were drug and alcohol addicts, people who stole their dying parents medications to sell for drug money, almost every kid I knew was on probation or had been previously, and the peer pressure here.....oh my god, don't even get me started.

Feeling alone, I guess I just sorta latched on to whoever wanted to give me any type of attention, even if that person was evil.

To me, this was a dying town. Full of depression, on edge, crazy alcoholics and drug addicts. I felt stuck. Like I was sinking deeper into this pit of a town. I couldn't understand how a small, beautiful mountain town could drag you down so far like this. I grew up in a city! And I felt so unsafe being in this little place compared to the city. It didn't fit!

Everyone around me seemed to have given up on life, and it was contagious.

I wouldn't realize until later, that this was just the normal mentality of people these days!

The first step to my wake-up call was when the high school I was going to here told me that I was going to have to repeat junior year and graduate a year later than my class.

During that time, I pretty much said Thank You and Goodnight to all these "people" I knew. I stopped smoking weed, and got my shit together.

In order to make it to senior year, I had to make up twelve weeks worth of missing assignments in under four weeks that were left of the school year. Guess what? I totally did it! And I transferred to a better school....fuck yes.

I occasionally smoked weed, after I knew I was all caught up and didn't have much to worry about. And even though things were looking better, I still wasn't feeling much better. Shit was still going down.

And it really wasn't until I met M that I did begin to feel better.

That first year, December 2010-December 2011 really changed me as a human being.
Broke into my DNA, snapped it's fingers, and BOOM...here I was.

I had witnessed both sides of human nature. I saw the pure, raw soul of it.
Putrid, dark, claustrophobic. Sweet, bright, vast.

Not only did everyone seem to have mental problems, but everyone only seemed to care about material things. A better looking car, a better house, a better phone, a better job, blah, Blah, BLAH.
Adult men and woman, acting like a bunch of teenage girls running around whining and sulking.
All that was ever on my mind was that I wanted to be happy. To have freedom. And a big family!
Realizing how hard it is to find freedom, to break free from materialistic things, to be healthy in body, mind, and soul.....really made me discouraged about the future.
How was I going to break free from all of these materialistic things around me, when it ruled our world? How could I be healthy when being healthy seems to be so costly? Everything was like a puzzle.

We are all stuck in the same system here. We all have our dreams, and unfortunately, how things are here, you gotta have either money, or be well known by many, to start anywhere. Sorta like the whole "gotta-have-work-experience-before-your-first-job" thing. It doesn't make sense! Here in America, everything is contradictory. Two-faced. Lies.

Okay, so four years go by and I get pregnant and things become insane for me.
Inside my mind.
How am I going to raise this child of mine? The world is a scary place! Nothing makes sense out here!
If it was up to me, I'd keep him safe in my tummy forever!

I was scared for us. I mean, most of the food we ate was all prepackaged, frozen, easy to make "meals." This was not what I wanted for my son!

You hear about school shootings and racial profiling and airplane hijackers and it's all just a bunch of chaos! This was not what I wanted for my son!!

I mean, I can't be the only one who imagines the world surrounded in sunshine right? Where everybody just gets along and respects each other. Where people have no mental disorders or psychological disturbances. No shootings, or bombings, or people committing suicide. Going overseas to fight over materialistic things, over BULLSHIT, miscommunication, killing families, KIDS, for them! I mean, seriously?!
Sure, I'm a daydreamer, but is there anything wrong with wanting people to just....BE okay? To BE happy. To feel loved? Cared for? Wanted? Appreciated? To not think that there's anything wrong with them? To not have to worry so damn much!?

All we seem to do is use, use, use, take, take, take, and than complain about it! Blame others.
I'm sorry, but I don't want to be one of those people. I refuse.

As you all know, our current political situation is pretty much a joke. And I feel ashamed to be called an American. Yes. I am ashamed! America is not what it used to stand for anymore. This is no Land of The Free, Home of The Brave.
We all cower away when we feel threatened. We feel hopeless about the future. We're all scared!
Yet we act like we're tough shit. Like we are the Kings and Queens of the world.

When you feel like you need to keep a whole race or religion out of a country, what does that say about you?

If you think all of the illegal aliens are wasting your taxes away on welfare, try going to get welfare yourself! I gotta tell ya, it's a long and complicated process, even for a typical white woman, such as myself. You gotta have everything, proof of residency, social security, proof of employment, state I.D., etc.
How is an illegal alien supposed to come up with all of that? Am I just not informed enough? Do they have the money to get these fake documents before they make the journey up here? I don't know! All I know is that just getting on Food Stamps alone, is a long drawn out process...it can't be any easier for illegal aliens. (By the way, I hate the term Illegal-Aliens, so I'm just going to call them Human Fucking Beings).

Over here, white people complain about their jobs, they don't wanna do the dirty work, so yeah the people who walk illegally over here are stoked to work whatever job they find.
They're taking all the jobs? Have you thought that maybe it's because we act too privileged over here to want to be a dishwasher, or a housekeeper, or a bus driver? I mean, come on! You're really gunna put that on a whole race of people? You wanna make sure none of these amazing, hard-ass working people don't come into the country so that they don't waste your precious tax money and take all the jobs no one else wants? You're an asshole!

Not allowing Syrian refugees into our "Land of The Free" "Home of The Brave," allowing children to die on the streets, out of......paranoia?? You're a fucking asshole!


We all need to get over ourselves! That's what I'm saying here.
Am I being naive? This is just what I see everyday! These are the things that come out of people's mouths. People I live next to!

World Peace isn't going to happen. Simply. There's always gunna be that one asshole who doesn't agree with something. But that shouldn't stop us from being good people. We don't all have to be greedy, snobbish, conceited pricks.

About a month and a half ago, we took the kids to Reno to have fun at a big arcade and play Lazer Tag. I ripped out a pop-tart for David to snack on and we went into the Lazer Tag waiting area. It was completely black-lit, as they usually always are, and it was painted really cool. When I looked down at David to catch his reaction, his pop-tart was lighting up his face. His pop-tart was fluorescent yellow-green. He was eating this thing that was lighting up his face!
I felt a HUGE pang of guilt. What was I feeding my baby boy?? I don't think people should be ingesting "food" that glows in black-light, right?

A month later, I had just finished making David some easy-mac and gave it to M to feed to him while I went and took a bath for my lady-cramps. I sat in the bath the entire time, sobbing about giving him horrible food. You can say this was hormonal or whatever, but this was pure anger. I didn't want him eating this crap! Yet I felt like it was so out of my control! Organic food up here in South Lake is so insanely expensive, well, food in general here is, and I don't bring home paychecks, so I  just got so down on myself for giving this shit to my baby boy!

But I told myself, this was it. Enough is enough. If you want something bad enough, you can get it!
We are now beginning to shop at Trader Joes in Carson City, because the food in Nevada is actually a lot cheaper than it is here in S.L. And honestly, a little extra dollar here and there for better quality, healthy foods, is SO worth it. One day, when we have our house, I'm going to grow a huge garden. And I'm going to have chickens because they make delicious eggs. Though I don't have it in my heart to kill chicken for their meat.

I'm becoming so much more aware of selfishness. Feeling unappreciative. Complaining.
About what?! My split-ends? My shitty clothes? Our small house?
I'm starting to care about the things that matter to me most. Buying real food for my family.
Making sure we have the things we need. And making it possible to where I don't have to worry so much about things. They say money doesn't buy you happiness, but it sure helps to get where you want to be. That's just how it is these days. But making money, for me, is not so that I can have material things. Having enough money to where I can find a place to raise my family, grow a big garden, eat healthy, whole foods, teach my children, get daily amounts of exercise, THAT is what it's all about.

This morning, M told me that there was a bomb threat at the middle school. Both of my step-kids were in the middle of this chaos! And there was nothing I could do about it! I had to sit and wait to hear when everything was okay and taken care of......that's all I could do. Sit and wait.
Thinking about South Lake having a bomb threat? Out of this world. Unbelievable.
It angered me.
Another point going towards homeschooling!

How am I supposed to send my baby boy off into these schools systems? There school systems where school isn't about learning, it's about passing! Where's the passion in learning? If I can teach my boy safely in our home, and he can learn to learn passionately, fuck yeah, I'm gunna do it. It would be a great re-learning experience for as well! Because I didn't have that passion for learning! Maybe I can start over, and I can learn more about the world, about people and human nature, history, art, science! My learning will be his learning!

My step-kids are already stuck in the tech-world. The not-real-food world. The materialistic world. They don't have hobbies! When they're not watching t.v., their on their phones or gaming systems. Nose deep in technology.

A even complained to us on the way to Trader Joes that he didn't want to go there because he hates organic food. Even though he said that other food makes him feel sick, he said it's easier to just buy "normal" food and that organic food "tastes weird."
We explained to him the organic food is the normal food, and what we usually eat is not the normal food. And we asked that, "if you don't want your stomach to hurt all the time, don't you think eating better food will help you be healthier and feel better?" He answered, "yes, but I don't care."

I shut up then and there because I didn't want to go off in the car.

He doesn't care!? The children don't care?!

K doesn't like to see tomatoes in her pasta sauce! Even though she knows pasta sauce is basically blended tomatoes! What the shit? Where do they learn these things?

My step-kids have grown into that....and I wish I could do more to swerve them in a better direction, to make them healthier, happier in other ways, but I was not their momma. I can only teach so much to them.
But with my baby boy, I can sure try my best to start him out right. Not hooked on an iPhone by the time he's three. Sending him to kindergarten with a brand new touch screen phone. Feeding him chemical bullshit.
I'm trying hard to not sound like such an angry, environmentalist, anti-tech, hippie...but it's hard not to! This stuff should make anyone angry!

I got rid of my personal Facebook because I saw how much it was taking time away from David. And I hated myself for being so addicted to that stupid screen! Now, I just have a Facebook for this blog. And I'm okay with that because that page doesn't take time away. For awhile there, we were whipping out the Kindle and M's iPhone for games and David became quite attached to them both. So now we are sure to keep them completely away from him, as much as we possibly can. He's only a year and four months and already has an attachment to an iPhone....but if I can break him out of that while he's still young, I will. And I am. People always tell me, "Good Luck with that...our world is surrounded by technology." And yeah, that's obvious, but if you have passion for what you do, for what you want, anything is can be achieved.

Well, I have been so side-tracked while I was writing this. I've been bouncing....so I apologize.
But I got what I needed to get out.

I get sick of America's mentality. Thinking we are superior. We are better. We are bolder.
It's all a fucking mask. Inside, we're all confused, and scared. We're cowards who don't speak up. Who don't appreciate simple things in life. At least that's what I've come to realize.
I don't want anything to do with that. Simply.

Okay, so yeah, there is plenty worse that goes on outside of America. But you know what? There's also some places that are a lot better, too. And one day, I'm going to be there. With my family, and my garden, and my chickens.


Much Love,
Sage