The Magic of Being a Mom

Okay, here I sit at the desk with a mixed vodka drink, listening to some reggae while my baby boy plays on the couch taking his diaper off and giggling about it.

Today was much more uneventful than I expected it to be. I forgot how awkward it is to speak to a stranger about your problems. Your quirks. Especially on the first visit where they don't really say much, they just sit and listen and nod their heads and look at every movement you make.

My therapist was very nice, but it's going to take me some time to get used to someone random knowing about all my hidden secrets and feelings.

I guess you can call me Mrs. Vulnerable today.

My next appointment was supposed to be next week. She wants to see me weekly but I told her it wouldn't be possible due to our slim finances. So two weeks from now is when I see her next.
Sigh. I'm scared and nervous at what she has to say to me....really scared.
But what can I do?

J and I were supposed to get together today or tonight at s…

Hello beautiful people!

I haven't written anything in awhile..

Again.

Lots has been happening and I'll explain a little further in a second.

Right now, David is snoozed out in the bedroom and M is taking a shower so he can get to work looking all handsome. K is having a sleepover at her friends house and A is chillin' in his room.

So a lot has been happening. Not really event-wise, just emotionally. Like usual.
This past "time" has made me realize some things about myself that I didn't before, and so I set up an appointment for this Tuesday for me to see a therapist, a real one, for the first time in three years.

I am excited. But really, more than anything I am scared. I have never been scared to see a therapist before and I've grown up seeing them. This time is a whole different story, and I'm really hoping to god I don't chicken out and not show up. I know I need to go, I just don't want to....

Listen guys, I'm not going to tell you to…

It's still dark out. Winter. Cold Colorado morning. Suitcase in hand, tears running from my weary eyes. I walk closer to that broken-down, piece of shit truck and get in. Immediately, nothing but the sound of music fills my ears. Blocking everything out. It's all I need. My remedy. My cure. I can see that my mother is talking to me. I ignore her and close my eyes. Only the music can tell me that everything is going to be okay. We drive.  The city still sleeping. I feel like the only one dying in this city. (february2011)

Thought I'd share another song with you guys. Why not? Music is amazing!

Matt Simons Catch&Release (Deepend Remix)
Enjoy!

There's a place I go to Where no one knows me It's not lonely It's a necessary thing It's a place I made up Find out what I'm made of The nights I've stayed up Counting stars and fighting sleep Let it wash over me I'm ready to lose my feet Take me off to the place where one reveals life's mystery Steady on down the line Lose every sense of time Take it all in and wake up that small part of me Day to day I'm blind to see And find how far to go Everybody got their reason Everybody got their way We're just catching and releasing What builds up throughout the day It gets into your body And it flows right through your blood We can tell each other secrets And remember how to love Da da dum da dum dum dum Da dum dum dum Da dum dum Da da dum da dum dum dum Da dum dum dum Da dum dum There's a place I'm going No one k…

I don't know if it's because of weaning off of Wellbutrin or if it's because Mercury is in Retrograde or a good mixture of both, but I have been feeling s-h-i-t-t-y.

Things have surfaced up that I don't know if I was ready for. Or that I didn't think I had.

I've been feeling extra down about my step-kids, well, more like my involvement in their lives. Or lack-thereof. It's been a decent almost five years together with M....and maybe I'm being impatient or whatever, but I wanna be married. And I want to have a happy family life. And right now, it's just the opposite it seems.

I feel so excluded from the family I've been trying to be accepted in to. Like the outcast I've always been. Not being listened to, not being stood up for. And when I stand up for myself, it blows up in my face. And I'm made the one to feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean there must be, right?

I feel like I'm slowly giving up on trying for that …

Okay I know this isn't my usual thing, but I've been having a bad few weeks and lots have happened the past couple weeks especially. Yesterday I watched the movie Begin Again for the first time and I loved it. So instead of writing something today, I thought I'd share this song with you all.

Much Love to you guys <3

Coming Up Roses

When you were asleep
And I was out walking
The voices started to speak
And they wouldn't stop talking

There were signs all around
It really got my mind racing
You were right all along
Something's gotta change

Hold on
Hold on there now for me
Hold on
Cause everything's coming up roses,
Roses

Now we're back on the street
Found a song that's worth singing
The bloody nose of defeat
While your victory bell's ringing,

My whole life's turned around
For this thing you keep chasing
You were right all along
That's me who's got to change

Hold on
Hold on there now for me
Hold on
Cause everything's coming up roses

Mother's Day  used to be my favorite holiday.
I used to wake up early and make my mom breakfast in bed: Strawberry pancakes, eggs, and orange juice.

I'd go into my mom's room while she was still sleeping and wake up to give her her treat.

It made me so happy to see her wake up and smile.

Mother's day today is a sad one. For one, because my mom and I aren't really on speaking terms, and for two, my step-kids won't be here because they will be celebrating it with their momma.
I don't know if you know this but being a step-mom on mother's day feels so disheartening. It's been almost five years....and I still can't spend time with them on Momma's Day. And I don't know if that's me being selfish, but it's just how I feel. Oh well.

I called my grandma this morning to tell her happy momma's day and I really miss her so much. She's up in Washington all by herself. And I want so badly to be there with her to help her pull the wee…

Okay, remember in my "I have a silly story post" how I told you all that I wanted nothing to do with America? Well I'm going to explain further about why. And no, this is not a I hate America rant, at least not yet.
But a rant nonetheless...

This isn't going to be a super political post either. Though I will say I am not satisfied politically.

This will be simply my thoughts about America's Mask, my fears of being apart of this country, and my dreams of moving outta here.

I grew up in Denver, Colorado. A place which I still hold very close to my heart. It will always be my first home.
I left Denver in December of 2010, the middle of my junior year at East High.
Growing up in Denver made me realize how political of a place it actually is. In fact, I don't think I've been anywhere else that's so passionately political in my life, but I guess that could be just because I lived there forever.

I always had the mentality, the idea, that America really was …