Monday, May 16, 2016
I don't know if it's because of weaning off of Wellbutrin or if it's because Mercury is in Retrograde or a good mixture of both, but I have been feeling s-h-i-t-t-y.
Things have surfaced up that I don't know if I was ready for. Or that I didn't think I had.
I've been feeling extra down about my step-kids, well, more like my involvement in their lives. Or lack-thereof. It's been a decent almost five years together with M....and maybe I'm being impatient or whatever, but I wanna be married. And I want to have a happy family life. And right now, it's just the opposite it seems.
I feel so excluded from the family I've been trying to be accepted in to. Like the outcast I've always been. Not being listened to, not being stood up for. And when I stand up for myself, it blows up in my face. And I'm made the one to feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean there must be, right?
I feel like I'm slowly giving up on trying for that happy family. If no one else wants to be happy, why should I try to make them want to be happy. Don't I have any chance? Why can't I be given a chance to show them the bright side of life? Trust me, I know what I'm doing!
But lately, it's just been seeming a lot like I'm not going to be given any chances to share my life with these kids. And having more kids with M? What a dream!!! And what a dream it is....
I'm being straight up right now, okay? But things are much more complicated when you chose to be with someone who is older than you. I knew that! But when it came down to my own kids, I never considered the whole age-thing being a complication. M is thirty-six years old. You already knew that. And I really wish the feeling and idea of having more kids with him really stayed away. Because now I can't shake the dream and I know that having more kids right now is not going to be okay and it's just not the best time. But when? When is it? I'd prefer my kids to have their father around as long as I am too. Yeah, I know. This stuff never bothered me. But that was before I had David. And I don't like talking about death, but death is real. And true, I could die before M, but you never know about these things. What if in five years it's too late to have more kids? I told you, I'm an impatient person...
and sometimes I can be very weak. I've been feeling very weak and I wish this retrograde thing was over so I can start to feel like myself again.
My mom is still not talking to me. And I understand it, but I mean, really? Not even a "fuck off" or "go to hell" from her. Just nothing. Nada.
I wrote what I wrote, I thought about taking it down for her, but then realized that it's not about the blog posts. It's about my mom and I's relationship. Or lack-thereof. It was me telling my story. My genuine story. My feelings. Opening up. And when she wouldn't give me a chance to talk, I knew she wasn't going to let it go.
I knew she was stubborn, but I didn't think she was this stubborn.
I really hoped she'd see it from my view. And maybe she'd open up to me. But instead she turned it around on me. Tried telling me how I feel. Tried telling me it was my fault.
Yup, I wrote those posts, very personal posts, about my childhood. That was my choice. To be open with the world.
And my mom, is the opposite. She is a very private person. Very closed off. Very hard to get to know. That's what irked her about what I did. Putting our life out there for the world to see.
It was harsh, but I only wanted her to hear me. I may have been a horrible coward for telling her these things through a blog, but I did what I did and I'm not going to take that back.
Yesterday I was this-close to taking those posts down. I really was.
But why would I do that for her when she's not even meeting me halfway? She's trying to get me to delete them. Trying to get me to chose between her and those posts. But what she doesn't realize is that it's not about the damn posts, it's about standing up for myself. Sticking to my guns. Holding on to my truth.
Those posts are my truth.
So what, do I keep apologizing to her and delete my posts just so she will talk to me again and I can go on pretending like everything is okay between us just like I had been doing before?
Or do I keep them up and she just never talks to me again?
I miss my mom. I love my mom. And I wish she'd just shut up and realize that I'm really fucking trying to work it out with her. But she needs to know I'm not going to delete the posts. If she wants to ignore me, pretend like everything's fine, because she's too angry to want to try with me, I don't know what to say! I'm not going to profusely apologize to her or reason with her about anything with such a hard head that she has right now.
Like I said in one of those posts, sometimes in order to be healed, you have to be hurt.
I was hurt inside for a long time. And I ignored that for years. And all it did was fuck me up inside.
I hurt my mother. I really did. But I only hurt her so that we could heal together. Work on us. finally have the chance to start that mom-daughter relationship. Maybe I did it the wrong way, but either way, what I had to say was going to hurt her. And besides the many sorries and apologies I've said to her, I don't know what else to say or do. But I do know that I'm standing up for my truths. Myself! And if that means her never talking to me again, she made that decision. She chose to let her wound fester.
She doesn't read my blog anymore as you may have guessed, but if she stumbles upon this or whatever, it will probably only anger her further. There's is nothing right I can say right now I guess. I'm just saying what's on my mind. How I feel.
This dimness that I feel about my future is starting to make me question myself. Like maybe there really is something wrong with me. I take things too personally. I am too emotionally sensitive. I am! And I try so hard not to be. But really, how can I not take something so personal if I've been feeling left out in the dark. Not listened to. Not taken seriously.
Is it really that off for me to cry when my feelings have been hurt? Or when I feel like no cares if I'm there or not? The only person who reaches out for me is David. Literally. He will reach his little arms up at me and want me to hold him. He'll come up to me and kiss me. And he likes to snuggle with me. His momma.
Yup, I'm whining about stupid stuff. Online. To strangers. But really, I'm just trying to find people out there like me. Who have the same questions on their minds. Who wonder about the world. Who want to feel apart of something. Who want to be loved. I know I'm not alone, and I know you guys aren't either. Speak up! Tell your stories! And don't be afraid!
I'd get into more of why the step-kids have made me feel so.....down recently. But, honestly I'm just so tired of thinking about it all I don't feel like it.
I'm trying to take life one day at a time. I just wish I had one day where it felt like I had all the people I loved around me. And them wanting to be there with me too.
Digging my roots deep into the soil. Hold on for dear life as this emotional storm blows through this empty valley.
Stay strong guys.
Much love to you all, and thanks for listening to my sobby-rants.