|So fucking act like it!|
Okay, remember in my "I have a silly story post" how I told you all that I wanted nothing to do with America? Well I'm going to explain further about why. And no, this is not a I hate America rant, at least not yet.
But a rant nonetheless...
This isn't going to be a super political post either. Though I will say I am not satisfied politically.
This will be simply my thoughts about America's Mask, my fears of being apart of this country, and my dreams of moving outta here.
I grew up in Denver, Colorado. A place which I still hold very close to my heart. It will always be my first home.
I left Denver in December of 2010, the middle of my junior year at East High.
Growing up in Denver made me realize how political of a place it actually is. In fact, I don't think I've been anywhere else that's so passionately political in my life, but I guess that could be just because I lived there forever.
I always had the mentality, the idea, that America really was Land of The Free. Home of The Brave.
Going to baseball games, singing the National Anthem, holding my hand to my heart. Watching everyone around me do the same. Feeling proud of my home. America!
I don't know if it was because I fell into a dark place the beginning of my sophomore year, but I started to see things change around me. Or maybe reveal themselves to me.
The people weren't so happy looking anymore. Not like at the baseballs games.
I saw plenty of homeless people on my way to school and back, hanging out on 16th st., sleeping on Stoner Hill, hoping to smoke some blunts with us kids.
One time I was downtown with my best friend Zoe and we got two giant Chipotle burritos. Amazing as always. We both couldn't finish our food so we wrapped our burritos up, walked outside and threw them in the garbage.
About two seconds later, a younger homeless man with long, dirty blonde hair swooped in and grabbed the burrito and finished the thing in .25 seconds.
That moment in my life really seemed to put a spark in me.
I felt an immense amount of guilt inside.
I started to think about all the things in my life that everyone had that I wanted.
A new phone, better clothes, a car on my sixteenth birthday, to go to a hair salon every two weeks, make-up from Sephora, etc, etc.
How could I be so selfish?
When all this guy right here wanted to eat half of my thrown away burrito...
Sure, I had a torn up backpack, I didn't have amazing clothes, I didn't have a car, or a sweet phone, or perfect hair....but damn at least I had the things I needed. I was clothed, fed, clean, and able to get ahold of whomever, whenever!
I threw half a burrito in the trash!
I don't know what it was about that certain moment but it made me really think about the Home I lived. My morals. My ideals. This was America?
What did I really want in life? What really mattered to me? The real things.
From that point on, whenever I had extra cash, I'd give it to the homeless. Well, I used to..
Life was in tunnel vision for about three years. I hardly remember most things because I tried to block everything out.
When I left Denver, my morals, my ideals, my dreams, seemed to be left behind as well.
I threw everything away. I just didn't care anymore. I was at the point in my life where I realized that the world wasn't so innocent. People weren't so great. And I really couldn't rely on anyone. We were all so mentally screwed!
I made friends with bad people. I overdosed on pills, got into terrifying sexual experiences where I was taken advantage of, met people who were drug and alcohol addicts, people who stole their dying parents medications to sell for drug money, almost every kid I knew was on probation or had been previously, and the peer pressure here.....oh my god, don't even get me started.
Feeling alone, I guess I just sorta latched on to whoever wanted to give me any type of attention, even if that person was evil.
To me, this was a dying town. Full of depression, on edge, crazy alcoholics and drug addicts. I felt stuck. Like I was sinking deeper into this pit of a town. I couldn't understand how a small, beautiful mountain town could drag you down so far like this. I grew up in a city! And I felt so unsafe being in this little place compared to the city. It didn't fit!
Everyone around me seemed to have given up on life, and it was contagious.
I wouldn't realize until later, that this was just the normal mentality of people these days!
The first step to my wake-up call was when the high school I was going to here told me that I was going to have to repeat junior year and graduate a year later than my class.
During that time, I pretty much said Thank You and Goodnight to all these "people" I knew. I stopped smoking weed, and got my shit together.
In order to make it to senior year, I had to make up twelve weeks worth of missing assignments in under four weeks that were left of the school year. Guess what? I totally did it! And I transferred to a better school....fuck yes.
I occasionally smoked weed, after I knew I was all caught up and didn't have much to worry about. And even though things were looking better, I still wasn't feeling much better. Shit was still going down.
And it really wasn't until I met M that I did begin to feel better.
That first year, December 2010-December 2011 really changed me as a human being.
Broke into my DNA, snapped it's fingers, and BOOM...here I was.
I had witnessed both sides of human nature. I saw the pure, raw soul of it.
Putrid, dark, claustrophobic. Sweet, bright, vast.
Not only did everyone seem to have mental problems, but everyone only seemed to care about material things. A better looking car, a better house, a better phone, a better job, blah, Blah, BLAH.
Adult men and woman, acting like a bunch of teenage girls running around whining and sulking.
All that was ever on my mind was that I wanted to be happy. To have freedom. And a big family!
Realizing how hard it is to find freedom, to break free from materialistic things, to be healthy in body, mind, and soul.....really made me discouraged about the future.
How was I going to break free from all of these materialistic things around me, when it ruled our world? How could I be healthy when being healthy seems to be so costly? Everything was like a puzzle.
We are all stuck in the same system here. We all have our dreams, and unfortunately, how things are here, you gotta have either money, or be well known by many, to start anywhere. Sorta like the whole "gotta-have-work-experience-before-your-first-job" thing. It doesn't make sense! Here in America, everything is contradictory. Two-faced. Lies.
Okay, so four years go by and I get pregnant and things become insane for me.
Inside my mind.
How am I going to raise this child of mine? The world is a scary place! Nothing makes sense out here!
If it was up to me, I'd keep him safe in my tummy forever!
I was scared for us. I mean, most of the food we ate was all prepackaged, frozen, easy to make "meals." This was not what I wanted for my son!
You hear about school shootings and racial profiling and airplane hijackers and it's all just a bunch of chaos! This was not what I wanted for my son!!
I mean, I can't be the only one who imagines the world surrounded in sunshine right? Where everybody just gets along and respects each other. Where people have no mental disorders or psychological disturbances. No shootings, or bombings, or people committing suicide. Going overseas to fight over materialistic things, over BULLSHIT, miscommunication, killing families, KIDS, for them! I mean, seriously?!
Sure, I'm a daydreamer, but is there anything wrong with wanting people to just....BE okay? To BE happy. To feel loved? Cared for? Wanted? Appreciated? To not think that there's anything wrong with them? To not have to worry so damn much!?
All we seem to do is use, use, use, take, take, take, and than complain about it! Blame others.
I'm sorry, but I don't want to be one of those people. I refuse.
As you all know, our current political situation is pretty much a joke. And I feel ashamed to be called an American. Yes. I am ashamed! America is not what it used to stand for anymore. This is no Land of The Free, Home of The Brave.
We all cower away when we feel threatened. We feel hopeless about the future. We're all scared!
Yet we act like we're tough shit. Like we are the Kings and Queens of the world.
When you feel like you need to keep a whole race or religion out of a country, what does that say about you?
If you think all of the illegal aliens are wasting your taxes away on welfare, try going to get welfare yourself! I gotta tell ya, it's a long and complicated process, even for a typical white woman, such as myself. You gotta have everything, proof of residency, social security, proof of employment, state I.D., etc.
How is an illegal alien supposed to come up with all of that? Am I just not informed enough? Do they have the money to get these fake documents before they make the journey up here? I don't know! All I know is that just getting on Food Stamps alone, is a long drawn out process...it can't be any easier for illegal aliens. (By the way, I hate the term Illegal-Aliens, so I'm just going to call them Human Fucking Beings).
Over here, white people complain about their jobs, they don't wanna do the dirty work, so yeah the people who walk illegally over here are stoked to work whatever job they find.
They're taking all the jobs? Have you thought that maybe it's because we act too privileged over here to want to be a dishwasher, or a housekeeper, or a bus driver? I mean, come on! You're really gunna put that on a whole race of people? You wanna make sure none of these amazing, hard-ass working people don't come into the country so that they don't waste your precious tax money and take all the jobs no one else wants? You're an asshole!
Not allowing Syrian refugees into our "Land of The Free" "Home of The Brave," allowing children to die on the streets, out of......paranoia?? You're a fucking asshole!
Am I being naive? This is just what I see everyday! These are the things that come out of people's mouths. People I live next to!
World Peace isn't going to happen. Simply. There's always gunna be that one asshole who doesn't agree with something. But that shouldn't stop us from being good people. We don't all have to be greedy, snobbish, conceited pricks.
About a month and a half ago, we took the kids to Reno to have fun at a big arcade and play Lazer Tag. I ripped out a pop-tart for David to snack on and we went into the Lazer Tag waiting area. It was completely black-lit, as they usually always are, and it was painted really cool. When I looked down at David to catch his reaction, his pop-tart was lighting up his face. His pop-tart was fluorescent yellow-green. He was eating this thing that was lighting up his face!
I felt a HUGE pang of guilt. What was I feeding my baby boy?? I don't think people should be ingesting "food" that glows in black-light, right?
A month later, I had just finished making David some easy-mac and gave it to M to feed to him while I went and took a bath for my lady-cramps. I sat in the bath the entire time, sobbing about giving him horrible food. You can say this was hormonal or whatever, but this was pure anger. I didn't want him eating this crap! Yet I felt like it was so out of my control! Organic food up here in South Lake is so insanely expensive, well, food in general here is, and I don't bring home paychecks, so I just got so down on myself for giving this shit to my baby boy!
But I told myself, this was it. Enough is enough. If you want something bad enough, you can get it!
We are now beginning to shop at Trader Joes in Carson City, because the food in Nevada is actually a lot cheaper than it is here in S.L. And honestly, a little extra dollar here and there for better quality, healthy foods, is SO worth it. One day, when we have our house, I'm going to grow a huge garden. And I'm going to have chickens because they make delicious eggs. Though I don't have it in my heart to kill chicken for their meat.
I'm becoming so much more aware of selfishness. Feeling unappreciative. Complaining.
About what?! My split-ends? My shitty clothes? Our small house?
I'm starting to care about the things that matter to me most. Buying real food for my family.
Making sure we have the things we need. And making it possible to where I don't have to worry so much about things. They say money doesn't buy you happiness, but it sure helps to get where you want to be. That's just how it is these days. But making money, for me, is not so that I can have material things. Having enough money to where I can find a place to raise my family, grow a big garden, eat healthy, whole foods, teach my children, get daily amounts of exercise, THAT is what it's all about.
This morning, M told me that there was a bomb threat at the middle school. Both of my step-kids were in the middle of this chaos! And there was nothing I could do about it! I had to sit and wait to hear when everything was okay and taken care of......that's all I could do. Sit and wait.
Thinking about South Lake having a bomb threat? Out of this world. Unbelievable.
It angered me.
Another point going towards homeschooling!
How am I supposed to send my baby boy off into these schools systems? There school systems where school isn't about learning, it's about passing! Where's the passion in learning? If I can teach my boy safely in our home, and he can learn to learn passionately, fuck yeah, I'm gunna do it. It would be a great re-learning experience for as well! Because I didn't have that passion for learning! Maybe I can start over, and I can learn more about the world, about people and human nature, history, art, science! My learning will be his learning!
My step-kids are already stuck in the tech-world. The not-real-food world. The materialistic world. They don't have hobbies! When they're not watching t.v., their on their phones or gaming systems. Nose deep in technology.
A even complained to us on the way to Trader Joes that he didn't want to go there because he hates organic food. Even though he said that other food makes him feel sick, he said it's easier to just buy "normal" food and that organic food "tastes weird."
We explained to him the organic food is the normal food, and what we usually eat is not the normal food. And we asked that, "if you don't want your stomach to hurt all the time, don't you think eating better food will help you be healthier and feel better?" He answered, "yes, but I don't care."
I shut up then and there because I didn't want to go off in the car.
He doesn't care!? The children don't care?!
K doesn't like to see tomatoes in her pasta sauce! Even though she knows pasta sauce is basically blended tomatoes! What the shit? Where do they learn these things?
My step-kids have grown into that....and I wish I could do more to swerve them in a better direction, to make them healthier, happier in other ways, but I was not their momma. I can only teach so much to them.
But with my baby boy, I can sure try my best to start him out right. Not hooked on an iPhone by the time he's three. Sending him to kindergarten with a brand new touch screen phone. Feeding him chemical bullshit.
I'm trying hard to not sound like such an angry, environmentalist, anti-tech, hippie...but it's hard not to! This stuff should make anyone angry!
I got rid of my personal Facebook because I saw how much it was taking time away from David. And I hated myself for being so addicted to that stupid screen! Now, I just have a Facebook for this blog. And I'm okay with that because that page doesn't take time away. For awhile there, we were whipping out the Kindle and M's iPhone for games and David became quite attached to them both. So now we are sure to keep them completely away from him, as much as we possibly can. He's only a year and four months and already has an attachment to an iPhone....but if I can break him out of that while he's still young, I will. And I am. People always tell me, "Good Luck with that...our world is surrounded by technology." And yeah, that's obvious, but if you have passion for what you do, for what you want, anything is can be achieved.
Well, I have been so side-tracked while I was writing this. I've been bouncing....so I apologize.
But I got what I needed to get out.
I get sick of America's mentality. Thinking we are superior. We are better. We are bolder.
It's all a fucking mask. Inside, we're all confused, and scared. We're cowards who don't speak up. Who don't appreciate simple things in life. At least that's what I've come to realize.
I don't want anything to do with that. Simply.
Okay, so yeah, there is plenty worse that goes on outside of America. But you know what? There's also some places that are a lot better, too. And one day, I'm going to be there. With my family, and my garden, and my chickens.