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Showing posts from June, 2016

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You Could Have Been My King

Okay, not even kidding here, every time I watch this session, I cry. These ladies are magic. Enjoy.

When I held your hand
When I held your hand
When I helped you
When I held your hand
You still went the other way and you wanted me to stay with my arms streching away
With my arms streching away
I couldn't stand that sight 'cause I adored your face
I adore your face

Could it be that I'm the same
Could it be I'm your mirror showing you all those things that you never wanted to face

So you let me slip away
You just watched me walk away
And I just have to ask, do you know your fate?
Do you know your fate?

Could it be that I'm your
Could it be that you are my majesty

When it all comes back
When it all falls into place
Could it be that I don't want it anyways
Could it be as sad as that?
There was a day we used to laugh
And I wanted you by my side
The perfect match
I want to understand
The perfect match

Could it be that I'm your
Could it be that you are my majesty

You could have been my king

Gotta Let Go Of Control

Sorry guys, have to post this song. Really resonates with me lately. I hope you all enjoy the song <3

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afr…

Mother Don't Worry

When I pregnant I used to listen to Iron & Wine a lot and when I heard this song, David moved inside my belly and it filled me with such love, I couldn't help but to cry. This is our song <3 Mom and Son.

Mother don't worry, I killed the last snake that lived in the creek bed
Mother don't worry, I've got some money I saved for the weekend
Mother remember being so stern with that girl who was with me
Mother remember the blink of an eye when I breathed through your body

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds flying upwards over the mountain

Mother I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison
Mother I lost it all of the fear of the Lord I was given
Mother forget me now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
Mother forgive me I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons can be birds taken broken up to the mountain

Mother don't worry I've got a coat and s…

When The Water Swallows You Whole

I think this world is so beautiful.
There are so many places out there I see. That I hear of.
And I don't know where I belong. I don't know where I'm going.
All I know is that for every little place there is in the world, there's a place for every single cell of my being.
They hum. They buzz.
The vibrations make me fall apart.
I wonder if when we die, we just become everything around us.
Literally apart of everything.
And some things we reflect more in.
I can remember when Z. Walker passed away and she became the dragonflies.
She came through my music. She followed me into my dreams and we laughed over strawberries.
Her memories haunt me so beautifully. Her voice sends shivers down my spine.
When the water swallowed her whole, she returned, and she is apart of everything.
Because when I feel hard enough, she is here.
Reminding me that this is not it.

For Cameron

When I heard the screams I knew that he had lost his chance. He knew he lost his chance when he jumped. Back on shore, I hoped to see his eyes flicker open. But his beating heart had stopped six minutes ago. Caressing his cold, damp arm. Staring at the gashes. And ever time they pumped on his chest, blood would flow out of his wounds. I hoped my tears would heal him. I hoped he'd grab my arm too. And we could embrace each other back into this world. But for some reason, this water decided to swallow him up too. And I don't know what it is about the water, always threatening to take souls. Tempting my dad to just let go. Let the water embrace him. Fully embrace him. And the world would no longer have him. I am left the empty shell.

Hurt, First, Me, Please

Weekly song post right here! One of my all time favorite bands, don't even get me started. I am pretty sure I am in love with each of these beautiful ladies. Um, especially Theresa Wayman...
I hope you enjoy this because I'll probably be posting more from them...

I'm not prepared, I just gotta gotta get there
Where am I, why can't I just get it together?
Fuck it, where's my shit?
Oh my God I'm mad at it
Oh my God I'm mad at it

Oh my God I'm mad at it
I wanna throw it out the window
I wanna throw it out the window
I wanna throw it out the window
I wanna throw it out the window

And here I go, hanging on
Nothing new, nothing new,
nothing and nothing
oh no

Let's get naked and rip down the wall that makes me crazy, 
tell me how
Someone hold my hand and give me lessons 'cos I wanna
Melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot

I'll never stay, love is the only way out
I... oh-ohh
And oh, when I see …

Zoinks! Like, Get Me Outta Here!!! (Part Two)?

I'm just wondering if people with bipolar disorder are ever fully sure of themselves. Or if we ever will have a time in our lives where we don't feel so overwhelmed by thoughts, ideas, fears, and emotions.
Is it possible? Or do we all just push through each day, hoping that it's our last time we wake up feeling like this?
Does it get worse? Because I've heard that with time, bipolar disorder just becomes more intense. Is that true?

Could I make it without medication? Could I trust myself enough to leave it in the hands of my loved ones to watch over all the time to find my cues of mania to bring me back down, or my cues of depression to pull me back up? Isn't that being selfish? I think it is!

But what if taking all these pills makes it worse? Because I've also heard that the pills can actually make your bipolar disorder worse! What if the pills turn me into a robot? What if the pills make me numb to life? I should be scared, right?

It's a fucking lose-los…

Zoinks! Like, Get Me Outta Here!!! (Part One)

Currently, I am sitting here really wishing I had a house to myself to tear apart and kick down walls and punch through doors and burn the curtains down, all while listening to Fleet Foxes, dancing around the house with rage and joy simultaneously. That is my current mood.
Yesterday, I felt like hiding under the covers forever. If it weren't for M and David, I probably would have.
The best thing for me to do right now is to try and sit here and write this post because I really feel like the Tasmanian Devil today. For now.

This is my life. And up until fairly recently, I never thought I was Bipolar.

In fact, all the bipolar people I know in my life, I genuinely thought they were the most unstable people in my life, who were all out to destroy me. J for example, her and I never got along. For lots of reasons! Jealousy issues on both ends, her being an alcoholic (which she is currently over a year sober, so I am very proud of her), her using her children to drain money from their fat…

Happy Birthday To You

Today is my mom's birthday. I sent her a little happy birthday video from me and David this morning and she hasn't replied yet. I just have to keep telling myself that she is busy because it's her birthday and she's probably out having a good time. I hope she is.
I have gifts I've been wanting to get her but finances are always tight. Maybe in two weeks I will finally be able to send out some nice things for her.

I wish she could see how big David is getting and he could show her that he's a big boy now and is starting to walk on his own. I wish I could hug her and take her out for her birthday. But what can ya do when your mom lives on the other side of the country?

Yesterday was my little brothers big 1-9 and we were able to FaceTime and it was amazing because I haven't seen him in two years and I finally was able to meet my niece for the very first time.

I miss my siblings more than ever. If I had the money I'd go up to Montana for a little visit ri…

Oh, What Did You See, My Blue Eyed Son?

Wanted to share another song of my favorites with you all <3 Enjoy ! ! !

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue eyed son?
And what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin'
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children

Not Your Mama's Pan-Roasted Brussels Sprouts!

I've never been a huge fan of Brussles Sprouts. I had some good ones last summer that I thought were tolerable, and then during Thanksgiving of last year, I made these! And I gotta tell you, they are pretty darn tasty! Give em a try and you won't regret it!


1 to 1 1/2 pound of Brussels Sprouts

1 to 2 spicy Jalapenos (they say the more curved the stem, the more spicy! it's worked for me!)

1 White Onion

A few tablespoons of Olive Oil

6 slices of Thick Cut Bacon

A dollop of Butter


Grab a cutting board and your delicious looking Brussels Sprouts. Wash and remove any bad looking leaves.

Cut Brussels Sprouts down the middle long-ways. Then cut the bottom of the core. Put your cut Brussels Sprouts aside.

Heat up a little Olive Oil in a large saucepan or skillet and get your White Onion!

Dice up your White Onion and throw it in the oil to get them just a tad brown, just cook on medium heat. (I usually use only half of the onion, but you can use however much you like).

Figuring It All Out

During my second trimester of my pregnancy back in 2014, my mom took me out to her apartment in New York City to spend two weeks with her and J, her husband.
I was excited, scared, and frustrated. I was frustrated because M was not going to be with me and our little baby inside my tummy for two whole weeks.
You guys may think two weeks is nothing to be away from anyone or anything, but M and I have a serious connection. Maybe even a tad unhealthy...and when we're not together for more than a day, we will both experience withdrawal symptoms. No joke.

M and I are tethered. Simply.

Alright, so this trip was exciting to me because I had not been to New York since the summer of seventh grade. This would be a whole new experience for me. And it was!
I fell in love with my moms apartment and chaotic Bed-Stuy neighborhood.
We went out everywhere, ate amazing food, I had an amazing time with my mom!

My mom, who is an amazing photographer, even treated me to a little maternity photo-shoot!…

Organic Banana Peanut Butter Smoothie


3 ripe, Organic Bananas

1 cup of Organic Peanut Butter


1/4 cup of Hemp Seed

Trader Joe's Organic Vanilla Sweetened Coconut Milk


Choose 3 ripe organic bananas!
Grab your 16oz jar of organic peanut butter (with or without peanuts, it doesn't matter)!

Cut up your bananas and throw them into the smoothie maker!

Open your jar of organic peanut butter and scoop out half of the jar (about 1 cup of peanut butter)!

Throw two handfuls of ice in the smoothie maker!

Scoop out 6-8 tablespoons of hemp seed and throw it in!

Grab some organic coconut milk, I usually use Trader Joe's Vanilla Flavored Coconut Milk, and throw that it there too (depending on how thick or thin you like your smoothies, add however much milk you desire)!