HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

You Could Have Been My King

Okay, not even kidding here, every time I watch this session, I cry. These ladies are magic. Enjoy.

When I held your hand
When I held your hand
When I helped you
When I held your hand
You still went the other way and you wanted me to stay with my arms streching away
With my arms streching away
I couldn't stand that sight 'cause I adored your face
I adore your face

Could it be that I'm the same
Could it be I'm your mirror showing you all those things that you never wanted to face

So you let me slip away
You just watched me walk away
And I just have to ask, do you know your fate?
Do you know your fate?

Could it be that I'm your
Could it be that you are my majesty

When it all comes back
When it all falls into place
Could it be that I don't want it anyways
Could it be as sad as that?
There was a day we used to laugh
And I wanted you by my side
The perfect match
I want to understand
The perfect match

Could it be that I'm your
Could it be that you are my majesty

You could have been my king
You could have been my king
You could have been my king

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Gotta Let Go Of Control

Sorry guys, have to post this song. Really resonates with me lately. I hope you all enjoy the song <3

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive


Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Mother Don't Worry

When I pregnant I used to listen to Iron & Wine a lot and when I heard this song, David moved inside my belly and it filled me with such love, I couldn't help but to cry. This is our song <3 Mom and Son.

Mother don't worry, I killed the last snake that lived in the creek bed
Mother don't worry, I've got some money I saved for the weekend
Mother remember being so stern with that girl who was with me
Mother remember the blink of an eye when I breathed through your body

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds flying upwards over the mountain

Mother I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison
Mother I lost it all of the fear of the Lord I was given
Mother forget me now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
Mother forgive me I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons can be birds taken broken up to the mountain

Mother don't worry I've got a coat and some friends on the corner
Mother don't worry she's got a garden we're it planting together
Mother remember the night that the dog had her pups in the pantry
Blood on the floor and the fleas in their paws
And you cried 'til the morning

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds flying always over the mountain

Saturday, June 18, 2016

When The Water Swallows You Whole

I think this world is so beautiful.
There are so many places out there I see. That I hear of.
And I don't know where I belong. I don't know where I'm going.
All I know is that for every little place there is in the world, there's a place for every single cell of my being.
They hum. They buzz.
The vibrations make me fall apart.
I wonder if when we die, we just become everything around us.
Literally apart of everything.
And some things we reflect more in.
I can remember when Z. Walker passed away and she became the dragonflies.
She came through my music. She followed me into my dreams and we laughed over strawberries.
Her memories haunt me so beautifully. Her voice sends shivers down my spine.
When the water swallowed her whole, she returned, and she is apart of everything.
Because when I feel hard enough, she is here.
Reminding me that this is not it.

For Cameron

When I heard the screams I knew that he had lost his chance.
He knew he lost his chance when he jumped.
Back on shore, I hoped to see his eyes flicker open.
But his beating heart had stopped six minutes ago.
Caressing his cold, damp arm. Staring at the gashes. And ever time they pumped on his chest, blood would flow out of his wounds.
I hoped my tears would heal him.
I hoped he'd grab my arm too. And we could embrace each other back into this world.
But for some reason, this water decided to swallow him up too.
And I don't know what it is about the water, always threatening to take souls.
Tempting my dad to just let go. Let the water embrace him. Fully embrace him.
And the world would no longer have him.
I am left the empty shell.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Hurt, First, Me, Please

Weekly song post right here! One of my all time favorite bands, don't even get me started. I am pretty sure I am in love with each of these beautiful ladies. Um, especially Theresa Wayman...
I hope you enjoy this because I'll probably be posting more from them...

I'm not prepared, I just gotta gotta get there
Where am I, why can't I just get it together?
Fuck it, where's my shit?
Oh my God I'm mad at it
Oh my God I'm mad at it

Oh my God I'm mad at it
I wanna throw it out the window
I wanna throw it out the window
I wanna throw it out the window
I wanna throw it out the window

And here I go, hanging on
Nothing new, nothing new,
nothing and nothing
oh no

Let's get naked and rip down the wall that makes me crazy, 
tell me how
Someone hold my hand and give me lessons 'cos I wanna
Melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot

I'll never stay, love is the only way out
I... oh-ohh
And oh, when I see you
I'm lucky, waiting for silence to come and
take me down (down)
To see, what you are waiting for
why do I need the sound?
So slow
Hurt, first, me, please
I know that you want to, I know that you want to
please tell me
where you're hiding
Hurt, me, ohhhh
waiting for 
(true love)
to save this love 
break through fire

...I am not prepared, I just gotta gotta get there,
where am I, why can't I just get it together?
Fuck it, where's my shit?
Oh my God I'm mad at it
Oh my God I'm mad at it
I wanna throw it out the window
Let's get naked and rip down the wall that makes me crazy
tell me how
Someone hold my hand and give me lessons 'cos I wanna
Melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot inside of it
I wanna melt the knot inside of it
Someone hold my hand and give me lessons 'cos I wanna...

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Zoinks! Like, Get Me Outta Here!!! (Part Two)?

I'm just wondering if people with bipolar disorder are ever fully sure of themselves. Or if we ever will have a time in our lives where we don't feel so overwhelmed by thoughts, ideas, fears, and emotions.
Is it possible? Or do we all just push through each day, hoping that it's our last time we wake up feeling like this?
Does it get worse? Because I've heard that with time, bipolar disorder just becomes more intense. Is that true?

Could I make it without medication? Could I trust myself enough to leave it in the hands of my loved ones to watch over all the time to find my cues of mania to bring me back down, or my cues of depression to pull me back up? Isn't that being selfish? I think it is!

But what if taking all these pills makes it worse? Because I've also heard that the pills can actually make your bipolar disorder worse! What if the pills turn me into a robot? What if the pills make me numb to life? I should be scared, right?

It's a fucking lose-lose situation, that's how I currently see it.

I'm thinking back into my past, which I tend to do quite often, not intentionally, it just pops up all the time.

Okay so I told you all that I would make a Part Two as to make this whole thing not so fucking long and drawn out. But we'll see how this goes because I got shit to say! I'm sorry if my long posts aren't what you guys like, I really do try to keep it as short as I can, but I can't stop thinking thought after thought. My brain is like opening up Google, opening up another tab for Youtube, another tab for Gmail, several more Google tabs, Blogger, another random tab I clicked on from one of my Google tabs, and I end up getting lost in these millions of different tabs!
Anyway, I'm gunna tell you all some crazy shit, okay? Prepare yourselves.

Since I can remember, life has always looked this way and life has always felt this way. I guess I just see everything and feel everything differently. Is that a gift? Currently, I'm leaning more towards an evil surprise.
I was born in Colorado as most of you know. And you guys all know the short stories of my childhood. Abusive step-mother, suicidal father, closed off, neglectful mother.
But what you don't know is how I spent my free-time as a lonely kid in Colorado Springs and Denver.

In kindergarten, I had an Imaginary Friend. He was a tall man. And I thought he was nice! He was around all the time, and I never told my mom.
I remember when I was five and I was in our little pantry area with my Imaginary Friend, he told me to bend over and touch myself.
That was the first time I  realized you could feel pleasure down there.

When we moved into the apartments across from my kindergarten, I was playing with my Imaginary Man in my room. I had my pencil box nearby and he told me that I should grab my scissors and cut my long hair. I told him that I didn't want to. I begged him! "Please don't make me do this!"
And he would yell at me to do it or something bad would happen.
I would yell at him back that, "I didn't want to make my mom angry!"
And he would yell louder, "You don't want to make ME angry!"
And so I cut my beautiful long hair. I watched the strands fall to the floor. And I was scared.

My mom was so pissed off. And she had to take me to get my very first haircut to even out the length I destroyed.

I wish I could say that when we moved to Denver he stayed there in that dark place. But he didn't.
I saw him throughout my childhood. And one night, when I was in an angry trance rocking back and forth on my bunk bed, rubbing two quarters between my thumb and forefinger, a few drops of blood fell onto the quarters out of thin air. I freaked out and told my mom and that was the first time I saw a therapist. In second grade.

For years I didn't see him. But I felt him. All the time I felt his overwhelming dark energy.
And at sixteen during a sleepover I had with Z over at my house in Lakewood, we were fucking around on my homemade ouija board and I finally saw him for the first time since second grade.
It scared the shit out of us and we ran and hid in my temporary room.

When I moved to South Lake, I brought along the darkness with me and to this day, I wonder to myself if this Imaginary Man of mine took over my weak soul. If he feeds on me, if he's the one inside my head, taking over my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

All throughout elementary, middle, and high school I was just an odd kid. I heard things no one else heard, and saw things no one else could see. Girls in elementary and middle school would walk in on me in the public bathroom talking to "people."
Let's just say middle school was a total nightmare for me. Literally.

Listen, I've never told anyone any of that stuff before minus M. For obvious reasons. It sounds crazy!
But you know what? I'm not crazy! And I'm just being straight up about life! Every life experience is unique.

I think that when I was very little, that five year old me, knew there was something different about me that set me apart from others. And I didn't know why or what it was. But I just knew.
And in middle school is when I started to notice my "patterns." But, being a little sixth grader, I didn't dig too deep into that stuff. I just knew I felt things more intensely than others. I didn't even know that there were different types of mental disorders. I knew people had depression, I heard of PTSD. And I obviously knew what Anorexia Nervosa was because I had been there! But besides that, I never knew about anything else until high school.
I am looking back at high school and I can remember vividly the patterns I went through.
Honestly, if it hadn't been for Wes being there for me, whether he was with my mom or not, saved me from getting into very bad habits.
I didn't have many manic moments during high school as much as I did the depression.
And I think as I got older, the more the mania happened.
And at this point in life, it feels like a pretty even balance of both. And unfortunately if feels like it's happening daily.

I think when David was born, everything intensified again.
Like it leveled up or something.
And I fell into a deep and long depression.

When M and I took David and A to New York for my mom's wedding in October, I was manic.
When I went back to spend time with my mom a month later, I fell into a deep depression again that lasted for almost two months when in the middle of December I lapsed back into mania which brought me to the ER because I didn't know it was mania at the time, I just figured I was depressed and overly anxious and I needed to get back on my anti-depressants.

After I started taking my anti-depressants for a few weeks, I made this blog and I felt on top of the world again. But then everything started to feel like static electricity in the air again. And I felt like I was floating off into deep space and at any moment everything was just going to collapse.
I started getting crazy ideas about crazy things and some of that which I have wrote about on here (yikes).

One of which was to get off my anti-depressants and have another baby and start a Youtube channel.
I opened up more ideas with M about me becoming a surrogate so that we could get up to $60,000. I filled out a few surrogate applications and was stoked. I have two uteri so I knew it wouldn't be a problem if I got pregnant with more than one baby.
Then, like I told you before, the feeling of static electricity shocked me back into my depression. Everything came crashing down again and I was getting several emails from surrogate companies trying to get me to do online interviews with them and fill out more paperwork.
I shut them all down and realized I didn't want to grow babies for anyone right now because I didn't want to fuck up myself anymore than I already have. Not worth it.
And knowing me, I'd probably just get attached to the baby that wasn't even mine.
What was I thinking?
I left M alone about the Youtube channel and getting "the perfect" camera.
I unsubscribed to all the companies I was receiving emails from because I signed up for hundreds of different "send me surveys to get paid" sites.
I stopped talking to my ex boyfriend, again. Just everything was becoming an ugly mess.

I was depressed for a little while after that ordeal and I just thought it was because I was off the Wellbutrin. Figured I was just adjusting back to my "normal" self.
Then not long afterwards I was back at it again, except these manic moments lasted for only short periods of time. Only a couple days it felt. And then back into the hole.

I hope my therapist helps me. Because I know I need the help.
I'm just contemplating medication. I know the right thing to do would be to talk to my doc and start my trial run of medications, but it's just something I'm so scared to do. So right now, I'm doing the wrong thing and pushing it aside and pretending it's not something I need to take care of right now.
Gosh, I know I wanted to make this a Part Two thing so I could write shorter posts, but damn. I just can't stop writing. I have so much to say. All the time. I really do apologize.

I wanted to talk to you guys about how I've been feeling about the kids and stuff. But that's probably going to be long and drawn out like this. So long story short, I guess I've just exhausted the idea that I'm never going to feel like part of their family. Like I have a place in their hearts. I'm just done spending so much time and energy, focusing on just trying to put myself properly in their lives.
It's pointless and tiresome.  If they don't want me, then they won't have me. The best I can do for them is to just show them that I am a good person and I care about them. Try and point them in the right direction because I am tired of leading them.

Guys, that's as short as I can make it with that topic.

Besides all that, I have been having problems with my right knee for a year. And I finally got to see a doc about it and he thinks that it is my meniscus. That I either tore it or it is too flexible. Either way is bad he said. And he'd like me to get and MRI to double check but he's pretty sure I'm going to need a minor knee surgery to repair my meniscus. He said that physical therapy would help but only temporarily. I don't know if he's just saying that to get me to do the surgery or not. Doctors are weird.
Also, my fears of my own death keep popping up too so that doesn't feel very good.
I told you all, this was going to be some crazy shit! Ramble Ramble Ramble.

I feel weird sharing this with you guys. Especially when it really just feels like I'm talking to myself. But really, I'm just trying to be an open person. No bullshit. This is who I am. Every single one of these posts is me. Stuff I think about, things I go through, and just random shit.
I am a mom. I am twenty-one and I have two step-kids that are thirteen and twelve and am becoming friends with their mother. I have a baby boy who's name is David. I have a man in my life who I call Wes who I want to call Dad. I am in love and want to marry and have zillions of babies with a man that is fourteen and a half years older than me. I have been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I love to write.

I am freaking out all the time, and that is just how it is. This is my life.
So I hope you all don't judge me too harshly or find all of these posts completely a waste of your time. People shouldn't grow up not knowing every aspect of human nature. There isn't just one type of person. Everyone isn't all fucked up all the time, and yes there are some scary motherfuckers out there! There is no such thing as normal. And I grew up up thinking everyone else was just normal and I was just some fucked up kid.

It is time for me to shut up now.

That is all for now.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Zoinks! Like, Get Me Outta Here!!! (Part One)

Currently, I am sitting here really wishing I had a house to myself to tear apart and kick down walls and punch through doors and burn the curtains down, all while listening to Fleet Foxes, dancing around the house with rage and joy simultaneously. That is my current mood.
Yesterday, I felt like hiding under the covers forever. If it weren't for M and David, I probably would have.
The best thing for me to do right now is to try and sit here and write this post because I really feel like the Tasmanian Devil today. For now.

This is my life. And up until fairly recently, I never thought I was Bipolar.

In fact, all the bipolar people I know in my life, I genuinely thought they were the most unstable people in my life, who were all out to destroy me. J for example, her and I never got along. For lots of reasons! Jealousy issues on both ends, her being an alcoholic (which she is currently over a year sober, so I am very proud of her), her using her children to drain money from their father, and many many many reasons, I won't get into that. What I'm saying is that she and I were not good together.
Oil and Water. To me, she was the devil and she was out to ruin everyone's lives.

I knew she was bipolar because M had told me one of the first times we ever hung out. And of course she told me too. But I had it in my mind that she was just pure evil. And that she was using this "Bipolar Disorder" thing as an excuse.

My dad as well, is completely unstable. Recently, he's been doing fairly well, in fact, probably the most well I've known him to be.....for the time being.
And that's the scary part. You get so comfortable with someone, and you never know what's next. You never know what's coming.
Because, guess what? Something always comes next.
And I never thought it'd be me. I never thought I was one of those people. Unstable, intensely moody, and never satisfied.

I am bipolar. I am scared. Really. Fucking. Scared.

J and I are on the best of terms so far. We've never got along this well before, and I don't know if it's because she was picking up on my Bipolar Vibes, or if she's feeling manic and crazily decided to start hanging out with me, all I know is that her and I are good and I'm down with that and I will savor each hospitable moment. That's all I've ever wanted with her. A friendship. Where we understand each other's boundaries and have fun.

My dad and I are getting along great, I feel less uncomfortable around him. I don't know why. But I guess I'm cool with it until he tries to kill himself again one day.
One day, I'll probably find him hanging in a closet or on the couch with a bullet in his head.
Not to sound so fucked up and dark, but dude, I'm trying to stay logical! Is that logical? I think I'm a logical person but who knows, I can't trust my thoughts and ideas ever. What a great person I must be to know. Talking about my dad like that. Why? I'm not sure. And David is running around the house in his walker and has no idea what the fuck is wrong with his mother. Can't I just hide this away forever. That didn't work before I guess. I was so clueless about my own self. I thought I knew me better than that. Maybe I don't even know who I am at all. Are people with bipolar disorder ever okay? Will I ever be okay? These are the thoughts running through my brain 24-fucking-7.

When I had my recent epiphany, I sobbed to myself. For once I felt relieved. And at the same time, more scared than ever.
I finally realized that J had a real mental disorder. She never asked for this disorder. And sure, she's done some pretty fucked up shit, but you know what, haven't we all? The only difference is that this disorder takes you over. And you can feel it. Literally taking over every cell of your being. And that is no one's fault. For once, I understood J. And all I wanted to do was hug her.

This epiphany was an intense one. I felt an immense amount of feelings. Like I mentioned, I felt a sense of relief, but what overtook that feeling of relief, was dread. I was scared because I knew I had to talk to someone. I knew I needed to get help. Again!
But this time, I would actually know I was headed in the right direction.

My therapist officially diagnosed me and I am still in this weird confusing, frustrating state. Because now that I know I have Bipolar Disorder, it still feels strange to me. It feels like my body wants to run away from my mind as if it's saying, "ZOINKS! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!"

I know what I have to do to stabilize myself, my emotions, etc. But I am so scared to...
I really don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life, I mean, you guys know this! I wrote a whole post about that stuff!
I was proud of myself for coming off of my Wellbutrin! Which honestly, was the best thing for me to do, because anti-depressants are a huge no-no when it comes to Bipolar Disorder. And now that I think of it, being on anti-depressants both times I freaked out, probably had a lot to do with my inner-bipolar I guess. If anything, they only made me more manic and sent me into a worse depression.
In fact, the last time I was on anti-depressants after having a psychotic episode, I started a blog.
A horrendous blog that I am completely humiliated from. And no, you guys can't find it as I had deleted it the second I heard someone reading it after me having totally forgot about it.
This time I went on anti-depressants, I freaked out again and started another blog. And hopefully, this one won't completely humiliate me. So far, I think it's fine, minus what I did to my mom.

Anyway, back on topic, two days ago, I felt like dying. I was really depressed about lots of things. Especially how much I want to be better, but feeling like I fail at it all the time. Feeling like I don't make David happy, like I don't make anyone happy. It was tearing me up inside. I couldn't stop crying on the bed. Telling myself over and over, "just be normal, just be okay, just be normal."
And every time I looked at David that night, I wanted to drown myself in my own tears. I felt like a failure. I felt like I ruined everything. I felt like I lost my mom, I felt like I was losing my dad, I felt like everyone around me just wanted me to go away because all I do is feel sad all the time or I'm acting like a nutbag.
Sometimes, David will be looking outside through the window and I know how much he wants to go outside. But on my down days, I just can't get myself to do it. I want to do it! I really fucking do! And then I open the door and I start to cry. I walk back in and set David in his walker and apologize to him over and over again, trying to keep a strong face.
And then there are times where I want to put David in the car so we can go on a cross-country road trip. Twice.
This has been the huge struggle.
And even before kids and M, this struggle with life and emotions existed. I had my 'high-times" which I can now call mania. And I had my major depression. And everything in between.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am now able to fully help myself, however that may be, now that I truly know what the fuck's been going on with me my whole life.
And I'm really fucking scared.
And I'm freaking out.
But I guess as long as I get the help I need, that's all that matters.
Because I need to be strong.
I'm tired of being angry and irritated all the time for no good reason. Im tired of feeling crazy and risking everything all the time because of a "good" feeling.
And then waking up to a disaster and feeling so fucking down, I just want to fall asleep forever.
The other day I was scared I was falling into another psychotic episode because I started to fall into another depersonalization/derealization thing. I had to hold on tight with that one and hope it didn't take. Luckily it didn't, but it really made me realize how bad this is getting and I really need to figure it out asap before I really do lose my shit again.

People don't understand how bad depression really is. Like it's just a big, bad band-aid you just pull off really fast.
Try taking a nice warm bath with your lover and your beautiful baby the two of you created, and feel nothing but pain inside. All you want to do is cry and scream. Because you can feel you inside, begging to be let out again. To be free from the darkness. To feel the sunshine on your back. To feel a smile widen across your face. To feel the bouncing laughter pound off your chest.
But you can't. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to. It won't let you go.
All while you watch your giggling baby boy splash around in the warm water, and your lover looking at you like your face is melting off.
You just imagine submerging your face in the water. Even though you don't want to.

Mania is no better because even though you feel amazing, you know it's only temporary and it's not even you! Everything that comes into your head is just crazy nonsense bullshit ideas and thoughts. Literally, being bipolar is like being stuck inside this moving, functioning body that isn't even yours! And you can pound on the walls and scream at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you!

A good spirit on one shoulder, a bad spirit on the other, and you in the middle of them both, screaming at them to shut the hell up. That is mania.

Screaming at yourself from the inside.

I'm glad I can finally put a name to my brain, but it still doesn't make me feel good knowing that it's hard to even trust my own thoughts and ideas. My emotions. My reactions. And it's embarrassing to know that I fell into that same stigma and negative aspect towards bipolar people. I feel like such a shitty person for that. Because really, no one has the right to judge someone based on a mental disorder that they have no control of. Like I said, they didn't chose to have this disorder. But I chose to consider all bipolar people, crazy, unstable assholes. Turns out, I am just a crazy, unstable asshole and I don't know all bipolar people. But what can ya do except move forward and learn, right?

Listen, I have SO much on my mind right now, I could go on for hours and hours with this so I'll just put this on hold for now and make a part two or something soon so I don't go overboard and you guys lose interest and you're just like, "Omigod, sage, shut the fuck up you're so annoying and don't know what you're talking about!" I have more to talk to you all about. Like surgery!

So yeah. Just thought I'd finally let you guys know what's been going on. It's all very chaotic to me and I'm just trying to stay calm. Keep it casual. Keep it classy. Fake it till you make it mode.

Thanks for staying tuned! Watch out for a Part Two of this post soon!

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Happy Birthday To You

Today is my mom's birthday. I sent her a little happy birthday video from me and David this morning and she hasn't replied yet. I just have to keep telling myself that she is busy because it's her birthday and she's probably out having a good time. I hope she is.
I have gifts I've been wanting to get her but finances are always tight. Maybe in two weeks I will finally be able to send out some nice things for her.

I wish she could see how big David is getting and he could show her that he's a big boy now and is starting to walk on his own. I wish I could hug her and take her out for her birthday. But what can ya do when your mom lives on the other side of the country?

Yesterday was my little brothers big 1-9 and we were able to FaceTime and it was amazing because I haven't seen him in two years and I finally was able to meet my niece for the very first time.

I miss my siblings more than ever. If I had the money I'd go up to Montana for a little visit right now.
That's the one thing about having such a diverse family. No one is ever in the same place.

My siblings usually come for the summers but now that both of my little brothers are daddies and my little sister is in a serious relationship, seeing them over the summer is much more complicated. And to be honest, sometimes I wish to myself that they don't come out at all just so I won't have to deal with the heartache and depression when they leave again.

Long distance family shit sucks major balls.

I'm just so glad that my therapy appointment is in two days. Hopefully by then I can release to you all, everything that's been going on and how I have been feeling. And hopefully without making a complete fool of myself.

Anyway, happy birthday to my mom. Happy birthday to my brother. Happy birthday to anyone else out there who's having a birthday today.

 Much Love,

Friday, June 10, 2016

Oh, What Did You See, My Blue Eyed Son?

Wanted to share another song of my favorites with you all <3 Enjoy ! ! !

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue eyed son?
And what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin'
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder that roared out a warnin'
I heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world
I heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin'
I heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin'
I heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin'
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you meet my blue-eyed son ?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony
I met a white man who walked a black dog
I met a young woman whose body was burning
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow
I met one man who was wounded in love
I met another man who was wounded in hatred
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are a many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
And the executioner's face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell and speak it and think it and breathe it
And reflect from the mountain so all souls can see it
And I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my song well before I start singing
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Not Your Mama's Pan-Roasted Brussels Sprouts!

I've never been a huge fan of Brussles Sprouts. I had some good ones last summer that I thought were tolerable, and then during Thanksgiving of last year, I made these! And I gotta tell you, they are pretty darn tasty! Give em a try and you won't regret it!


  • 1 to 1 1/2 pound of Brussels Sprouts

  • 1 to 2 spicy Jalapenos (they say the more curved the stem, the more spicy! it's worked for me!)

  • 1 White Onion

  • A few tablespoons of Olive Oil

  • 6 slices of Thick Cut Bacon

  • A dollop of Butter


  • Grab a cutting board and your delicious looking Brussels Sprouts. Wash and remove any bad looking leaves.

  • Cut Brussels Sprouts down the middle long-ways. Then cut the bottom of the core. Put your cut Brussels Sprouts aside.

  • Heat up a little Olive Oil in a large saucepan or skillet and get your White Onion!

  • Dice up your White Onion and throw it in the oil to get them just a tad brown, just cook on medium heat. (I usually use only half of the onion, but you can use however much you like).

  • When the onions are lightly browned, add your dollop of Butter and your Brussels Sprouts and make sure to coat everything in it. Make sure to stir them occasionally. Crank up the heat to Med-High.

  • While the sprouts and onions are cooking, get another large saucepan or skillet for your Thick Cut Bacon.

  • Heat up the pan at medium temp and throw the 6 delicious strips on the pan and cook them until they are fully cooked but not crispy. Set bacon aside when done.

  • Check on your Brussels Sprouts and Onion. At this point, they should be nicely browned. If they aren't keep flipping everything around and make sure everything is coated in the butter/oil mixture. (You can always add more oil or butter if there isn't much moisture left).

  • Grab your cooked bacon and "dice" it up. The pieces should not be too small and not too large. Throw them into the Brussels Sprouts and Onions. Stir them in really good.

  • While the sprouts, onion, and bacon cook together, slice your spicy Jalapenos thinly.

At this point, your sprouts and onion should be even darker, but not burnt! And your bacon should be just right (not burnt and not chewy)! So throw those Jalapenos in with the rest and make sure to stir it in nicely!

  • Just cook everything for another five minutes to make sure all the flavors are well combined with one another!

And wallah! Now you have the best combo of sweet, spicy, and salty!




Figuring It All Out

Static Electricity

During my second trimester of my pregnancy back in 2014, my mom took me out to her apartment in New York City to spend two weeks with her and J, her husband.
I was excited, scared, and frustrated. I was frustrated because M was not going to be with me and our little baby inside my tummy for two whole weeks.
You guys may think two weeks is nothing to be away from anyone or anything, but M and I have a serious connection. Maybe even a tad unhealthy...and when we're not together for more than a day, we will both experience withdrawal symptoms. No joke.

M and I are tethered. Simply.

Alright, so this trip was exciting to me because I had not been to New York since the summer of seventh grade. This would be a whole new experience for me. And it was!
I fell in love with my moms apartment and chaotic Bed-Stuy neighborhood.
We went out everywhere, ate amazing food, I had an amazing time with my mom!

My mom, who is an amazing photographer, even treated me to a little maternity photo-shoot! She dolled me up and everything!

The day when I had time alone, I wanted to gorge myself with delicious, cheap food.
So I went out for a walk and found some pizza by the slice, ordered two, and moved on.
The next place I stumbled upon was a cute-sy little cupcake shop.
My original plan was to buy my five favorites and share them with my mom when she got back home from work.
But when I got home, I felt a huge sense of loneliness. I don't know where it came from, maybe it was the energy in the house? I don't know. It was strange. And I didn't like the feeling.

I sat down by the window and looked out.
I started to wonder if my mom was lonely.
I ate all five cupcakes.

And I started to cry. Then sob.

And I felt little David move inside me, maybe a reminder that life really wasn't all that lonely.

"Hey, momma! I'm here for you!" He seemed to say.

Maybe it was me being pregnant and also spending time with my mom, that this huge surge of maternal-ness, these squishy feelings of love and loneliness coming at me, through me...it felt....I dunno! Strange? I can't place the word.

That was the day I had an epiphany about life. Life itself was so fragile! Life was delicate! Life was.....beautiful!

But why these conflicting feelings? Immense feelings of loneliness and that life was beautiful. Pure! Conflicting!

I had never felt so beautiful in my entire life than I did during the time I was in New York.
And being able to spend it with my mom, watching her react to my moving belly, her talking to David against my stomach. It made me really fucking happy.
In fact, I never felt so connected to my own mother than during those two weeks.

Cupcake/Pizza day was the last day I was going to be there with my mom.
I felt a sense of overwhelming sadness. So much sadness. I didn't want to leave my mom. I wanted to stay with her. I worried about her so much. Her little self, wandering around the Big City all the time, wondering if, when she came home, she felt the loneliness I felt.

I also felt an overwhelming amount of sadness that M had not been here to experience the moments I experienced. Seeing how beautiful I was. Watching my belly move around, seeing it grow day-by-day, walking through Central Park, staring up at the tall, leafy trees. Sharing my epiphany with him.  And he wasn't there. And it wasn't his fault he wasn't.

This really was the best time of my pregnancy. But it was also the most overwhelming. See? Conflicting!

I experienced so many intense emotions, and when I got back from New York, I felt completely alone. I don't know why, I don't understand where it came from, but it happened.

I dearly missed my M, but it was a whole nother world over here in South Lake.
At the time, M was a bartender and worked from 8pm to 4am. So we were night owls!

Maybe it was me being surrounded by darkness again, maybe it was me missing my mom, maybe it was nearing the end of my pregnancy, maybe a decent mixture of all of it.

I had seen the pure, bright light of life!
And then was submerged in the darkness of it.

Something about that two week trip set something off inside me, maybe triggered something, or unlocked a part of me that's been trying to step out for a long while. Intensified everything about me, about the people around me, and about life in general.

I was becoming a new mother! Was I supposed to experience this sudden shift?
I had a prodigious transformation in personality.
And I gotta tell you, I don't know if it was for the better..

I used to be so.....flowing. I went wherever life took me, going with the flow. I didn't worry about life so much. Is that normal? To not worry about life?
When hard times rolled around, I'd make it out alive, just a few bumps and bruises and a strengthened heart and mind.
I used to laugh. A lot.
I used to come up with crazy ideas and adventures. And have a blast doing them.
Was becoming a mother supposed to submerge those aspects of me? Was becoming a mother supposed to turn me into a frowning, crying, statue.

Everyone coming to look at the beautiful statue. Look at it cry. Why is it crying? I don't even know.

Guys, I'm just being straight up here. Totally honest.
Motherhood has been the most amazing, magical, and best gift ever given to me. 100%
I just wanna know where I went.
What happened?
Did I make a wrong turn? Did I look too far into Life? Maybe that pure light I saw was something, us people, aren't supposed to experience and I am being punished.

My mind is out to get me.
It always has been! Since I can remember...
But why do I feel so defeated lately?

I miss my mom, you guys. I worry about her still.
And that sense of loneliness I mentioned above, is still with me.
Don't ask me why, as I have no fucking idea.
I'm surrounded by kids and M and everything is fine. But I feel so fucking alone all the time.
I am defective. I feel like I am! My mind is evil.

David, just four days ago, took his very first steps. And I felt a mixture of emotions.
Most of all, I felt so proud.

And excited. Nervous, and sad.

My little boy just earned a huge sense of freedom: walking on his own two feet!

The second day he wanted to walk, we let go of his hands and he walked over to his brother, a huge five steps all by himself. A huge smile on his face as he did it.
And you know what I felt? Envious. Angry. Proud.
Why? Because he walked to his brother and not to me!
Am I wrong to feel hurt? Am I wrong to feel jealous of my own step-son?
So then I felt guilty for feeling angry and jealous.

What is wrong with me? Get over yourself, sage!

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I needed to write.
I have too much on my mind. thoughts coming at me at a billion miles per second, and I can't think enough to write legitimately. I've been coming on here daily, sitting at the computer screen, staring at it blankly, and then walking away frustrated. These racing thoughts won't leave me be. I need to relax, and I'm trying with all my might, and it's just not working.

I'm tired of all these conflicting emotions. I'm tired of feeling so down and so up at the same time. I just want to enjoy life. I want to just BE. Ride the waves of life at ease again. Not be that tense statue anymore.

I'm working on lots of things for my poor mind. And hopefully this expensive therapist will help me put my mind at ease.
Writing isn't making me feel much better like it used to.
It's okay though because tomorrow I'll wake up in a whole new me, and won't feel the same way as I do in this moment of time.

Ever wonder what it feels like to have your mind race like this? And bicker? And throw conflicting emotions at you, all at the same time, all the time? It feels like burning static electricity. Almost like you can feel your own brain moving around inside your skull. Shifting. Like it's its own being. I'm sure that if I died, it'd walk right on out and find some other poor individual to take over.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Organic Banana Peanut Butter Smoothie

Wanna Extra Boost of Protein, Potassium, Omega-3's, and Love&Magic? Make This Quick and Satisfying Smoothie!


  • 3 ripe, Organic Bananas

  • 1 cup of Organic Peanut Butter

  • Ice

  • 1/4 cup of Hemp Seed

  • Trader Joe's Organic Vanilla Sweetened Coconut Milk


  • Choose 3 ripe organic bananas!

  • Grab your 16oz jar of organic peanut butter (with or without peanuts, it doesn't matter)!

  • Cut up your bananas and throw them into the smoothie maker!

  • Open your jar of organic peanut butter and scoop out half of the jar (about 1 cup of peanut butter)!

  • Throw two handfuls of ice in the smoothie maker!

  • Scoop out 6-8 tablespoons of hemp seed and throw it in!

  • Grab some organic coconut milk, I usually use Trader Joe's Vanilla Flavored Coconut Milk, and throw that it there too (depending on how thick or thin you like your smoothies, add however much milk you desire)!