HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Figuring It All Out

Static Electricity

During my second trimester of my pregnancy back in 2014, my mom took me out to her apartment in New York City to spend two weeks with her and J, her husband.
I was excited, scared, and frustrated. I was frustrated because M was not going to be with me and our little baby inside my tummy for two whole weeks.
You guys may think two weeks is nothing to be away from anyone or anything, but M and I have a serious connection. Maybe even a tad unhealthy...and when we're not together for more than a day, we will both experience withdrawal symptoms. No joke.

M and I are tethered. Simply.

Alright, so this trip was exciting to me because I had not been to New York since the summer of seventh grade. This would be a whole new experience for me. And it was!
I fell in love with my moms apartment and chaotic Bed-Stuy neighborhood.
We went out everywhere, ate amazing food, I had an amazing time with my mom!

My mom, who is an amazing photographer, even treated me to a little maternity photo-shoot! She dolled me up and everything!

The day when I had time alone, I wanted to gorge myself with delicious, cheap food.
So I went out for a walk and found some pizza by the slice, ordered two, and moved on.
The next place I stumbled upon was a cute-sy little cupcake shop.
My original plan was to buy my five favorites and share them with my mom when she got back home from work.
But when I got home, I felt a huge sense of loneliness. I don't know where it came from, maybe it was the energy in the house? I don't know. It was strange. And I didn't like the feeling.

I sat down by the window and looked out.
I started to wonder if my mom was lonely.
I ate all five cupcakes.

And I started to cry. Then sob.

And I felt little David move inside me, maybe a reminder that life really wasn't all that lonely.

"Hey, momma! I'm here for you!" He seemed to say.

Maybe it was me being pregnant and also spending time with my mom, that this huge surge of maternal-ness, these squishy feelings of love and loneliness coming at me, through me...it felt....I dunno! Strange? I can't place the word.

That was the day I had an epiphany about life. Life itself was so fragile! Life was delicate! Life was.....beautiful!


But why these conflicting feelings? Immense feelings of loneliness and that life was beautiful. Pure! Conflicting!

I had never felt so beautiful in my entire life than I did during the time I was in New York.
And being able to spend it with my mom, watching her react to my moving belly, her talking to David against my stomach. It made me really fucking happy.
In fact, I never felt so connected to my own mother than during those two weeks.

Cupcake/Pizza day was the last day I was going to be there with my mom.
I felt a sense of overwhelming sadness. So much sadness. I didn't want to leave my mom. I wanted to stay with her. I worried about her so much. Her little self, wandering around the Big City all the time, wondering if, when she came home, she felt the loneliness I felt.

I also felt an overwhelming amount of sadness that M had not been here to experience the moments I experienced. Seeing how beautiful I was. Watching my belly move around, seeing it grow day-by-day, walking through Central Park, staring up at the tall, leafy trees. Sharing my epiphany with him.  And he wasn't there. And it wasn't his fault he wasn't.

This really was the best time of my pregnancy. But it was also the most overwhelming. See? Conflicting!

I experienced so many intense emotions, and when I got back from New York, I felt completely alone. I don't know why, I don't understand where it came from, but it happened.

I dearly missed my M, but it was a whole nother world over here in South Lake.
At the time, M was a bartender and worked from 8pm to 4am. So we were night owls!

Maybe it was me being surrounded by darkness again, maybe it was me missing my mom, maybe it was nearing the end of my pregnancy, maybe a decent mixture of all of it.

I had seen the pure, bright light of life!
And then was submerged in the darkness of it.

Something about that two week trip set something off inside me, maybe triggered something, or unlocked a part of me that's been trying to step out for a long while. Intensified everything about me, about the people around me, and about life in general.

I was becoming a new mother! Was I supposed to experience this sudden shift?
I had a prodigious transformation in personality.
And I gotta tell you, I don't know if it was for the better..

I used to be so.....flowing. I went wherever life took me, going with the flow. I didn't worry about life so much. Is that normal? To not worry about life?
When hard times rolled around, I'd make it out alive, just a few bumps and bruises and a strengthened heart and mind.
I used to laugh. A lot.
I used to come up with crazy ideas and adventures. And have a blast doing them.
Was becoming a mother supposed to submerge those aspects of me? Was becoming a mother supposed to turn me into a frowning, crying, statue.

Everyone coming to look at the beautiful statue. Look at it cry. Why is it crying? I don't even know.


Guys, I'm just being straight up here. Totally honest.
Motherhood has been the most amazing, magical, and best gift ever given to me. 100%
I just wanna know where I went.
What happened?
Did I make a wrong turn? Did I look too far into Life? Maybe that pure light I saw was something, us people, aren't supposed to experience and I am being punished.

My mind is out to get me.
It always has been! Since I can remember...
But why do I feel so defeated lately?

I miss my mom, you guys. I worry about her still.
And that sense of loneliness I mentioned above, is still with me.
Don't ask me why, as I have no fucking idea.
I'm surrounded by kids and M and everything is fine. But I feel so fucking alone all the time.
I am defective. I feel like I am! My mind is evil.

David, just four days ago, took his very first steps. And I felt a mixture of emotions.
Most of all, I felt so proud.

And excited. Nervous, and sad.

My little boy just earned a huge sense of freedom: walking on his own two feet!

The second day he wanted to walk, we let go of his hands and he walked over to his brother, a huge five steps all by himself. A huge smile on his face as he did it.
And you know what I felt? Envious. Angry. Proud.
Why? Because he walked to his brother and not to me!
Am I wrong to feel hurt? Am I wrong to feel jealous of my own step-son?
So then I felt guilty for feeling angry and jealous.

What is wrong with me? Get over yourself, sage!

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I needed to write.
I have too much on my mind. thoughts coming at me at a billion miles per second, and I can't think enough to write legitimately. I've been coming on here daily, sitting at the computer screen, staring at it blankly, and then walking away frustrated. These racing thoughts won't leave me be. I need to relax, and I'm trying with all my might, and it's just not working.

I'm tired of all these conflicting emotions. I'm tired of feeling so down and so up at the same time. I just want to enjoy life. I want to just BE. Ride the waves of life at ease again. Not be that tense statue anymore.

I'm working on lots of things for my poor mind. And hopefully this expensive therapist will help me put my mind at ease.
Writing isn't making me feel much better like it used to.
It's okay though because tomorrow I'll wake up in a whole new me, and won't feel the same way as I do in this moment of time.

Ever wonder what it feels like to have your mind race like this? And bicker? And throw conflicting emotions at you, all at the same time, all the time? It feels like burning static electricity. Almost like you can feel your own brain moving around inside your skull. Shifting. Like it's its own being. I'm sure that if I died, it'd walk right on out and find some other poor individual to take over.







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