Yesterday, I felt like hiding under the covers forever. If it weren't for M and David, I probably would have.
The best thing for me to do right now is to try and sit here and write this post because I really feel like the Tasmanian Devil today. For now.
This is my life. And up until fairly recently, I never thought I was Bipolar.
In fact, all the bipolar people I know in my life, I genuinely thought they were the most unstable people in my life, who were all out to destroy me. J for example, her and I never got along. For lots of reasons! Jealousy issues on both ends, her being an alcoholic (which she is currently over a year sober, so I am very proud of her), her using her children to drain money from their father, and many many many reasons, I won't get into that. What I'm saying is that she and I were not good together.
Oil and Water. To me, she was the devil and she was out to ruin everyone's lives.
I knew she was bipolar because M had told me one of the first times we ever hung out. And of course she told me too. But I had it in my mind that she was just pure evil. And that she was using this "Bipolar Disorder" thing as an excuse.
My dad as well, is completely unstable. Recently, he's been doing fairly well, in fact, probably the most well I've known him to be.....for the time being.
And that's the scary part. You get so comfortable with someone, and you never know what's next. You never know what's coming.
Because, guess what? Something always comes next.
And I never thought it'd be me. I never thought I was one of those people. Unstable, intensely moody, and never satisfied.
I am bipolar. I am scared. Really. Fucking. Scared.
J and I are on the best of terms so far. We've never got along this well before, and I don't know if it's because she was picking up on my Bipolar Vibes, or if she's feeling manic and crazily decided to start hanging out with me, all I know is that her and I are good and I'm down with that and I will savor each hospitable moment. That's all I've ever wanted with her. A friendship. Where we understand each other's boundaries and have fun.
My dad and I are getting along great, I feel less uncomfortable around him. I don't know why. But I guess I'm cool with it until he tries to kill himself again one day.
One day, I'll probably find him hanging in a closet or on the couch with a bullet in his head.
Not to sound so fucked up and dark, but dude, I'm trying to stay logical! Is that logical? I think I'm a logical person but who knows, I can't trust my thoughts and ideas ever. What a great person I must be to know. Talking about my dad like that. Why? I'm not sure. And David is running around the house in his walker and has no idea what the fuck is wrong with his mother. Can't I just hide this away forever. That didn't work before I guess. I was so clueless about my own self. I thought I knew me better than that. Maybe I don't even know who I am at all. Are people with bipolar disorder ever okay? Will I ever be okay? These are the thoughts running through my brain 24-fucking-7.
When I had my recent epiphany, I sobbed to myself. For once I felt relieved. And at the same time, more scared than ever.
I finally realized that J had a real mental disorder. She never asked for this disorder. And sure, she's done some pretty fucked up shit, but you know what, haven't we all? The only difference is that this disorder takes you over. And you can feel it. Literally taking over every cell of your being. And that is no one's fault. For once, I understood J. And all I wanted to do was hug her.
This epiphany was an intense one. I felt an immense amount of feelings. Like I mentioned, I felt a sense of relief, but what overtook that feeling of relief, was dread. I was scared because I knew I had to talk to someone. I knew I needed to get help. Again!
But this time, I would actually know I was headed in the right direction.
My therapist officially diagnosed me and I am still in this weird confusing, frustrating state. Because now that I know I have Bipolar Disorder, it still feels strange to me. It feels like my body wants to run away from my mind as if it's saying, "ZOINKS! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!"
I know what I have to do to stabilize myself, my emotions, etc. But I am so scared to...
I really don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life, I mean, you guys know this! I wrote a whole post about that stuff!
I was proud of myself for coming off of my Wellbutrin! Which honestly, was the best thing for me to do, because anti-depressants are a huge no-no when it comes to Bipolar Disorder. And now that I think of it, being on anti-depressants both times I freaked out, probably had a lot to do with my inner-bipolar I guess. If anything, they only made me more manic and sent me into a worse depression.
In fact, the last time I was on anti-depressants after having a psychotic episode, I started a blog.
A horrendous blog that I am completely humiliated from. And no, you guys can't find it as I had deleted it the second I heard someone reading it after me having totally forgot about it.
This time I went on anti-depressants, I freaked out again and started another blog. And hopefully, this one won't completely humiliate me. So far, I think it's fine, minus what I did to my mom.
Anyway, back on topic, two days ago, I felt like dying. I was really depressed about lots of things. Especially how much I want to be better, but feeling like I fail at it all the time. Feeling like I don't make David happy, like I don't make anyone happy. It was tearing me up inside. I couldn't stop crying on the bed. Telling myself over and over, "just be normal, just be okay, just be normal."
And every time I looked at David that night, I wanted to drown myself in my own tears. I felt like a failure. I felt like I ruined everything. I felt like I lost my mom, I felt like I was losing my dad, I felt like everyone around me just wanted me to go away because all I do is feel sad all the time or I'm acting like a nutbag.
Sometimes, David will be looking outside through the window and I know how much he wants to go outside. But on my down days, I just can't get myself to do it. I want to do it! I really fucking do! And then I open the door and I start to cry. I walk back in and set David in his walker and apologize to him over and over again, trying to keep a strong face.
And then there are times where I want to put David in the car so we can go on a cross-country road trip. Twice.
This has been the huge struggle.
And even before kids and M, this struggle with life and emotions existed. I had my 'high-times" which I can now call mania. And I had my major depression. And everything in between.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am now able to fully help myself, however that may be, now that I truly know what the fuck's been going on with me my whole life.
And I'm really fucking scared.
And I'm freaking out.
But I guess as long as I get the help I need, that's all that matters.
Because I need to be strong.
I'm tired of being angry and irritated all the time for no good reason. Im tired of feeling crazy and risking everything all the time because of a "good" feeling.
And then waking up to a disaster and feeling so fucking down, I just want to fall asleep forever.
The other day I was scared I was falling into another psychotic episode because I started to fall into another depersonalization/derealization thing. I had to hold on tight with that one and hope it didn't take. Luckily it didn't, but it really made me realize how bad this is getting and I really need to figure it out asap before I really do lose my shit again.
People don't understand how bad depression really is. Like it's just a big, bad band-aid you just pull off really fast.
Try taking a nice warm bath with your lover and your beautiful baby the two of you created, and feel nothing but pain inside. All you want to do is cry and scream. Because you can feel you inside, begging to be let out again. To be free from the darkness. To feel the sunshine on your back. To feel a smile widen across your face. To feel the bouncing laughter pound off your chest.
But you can't. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to. It won't let you go.
All while you watch your giggling baby boy splash around in the warm water, and your lover looking at you like your face is melting off.
You just imagine submerging your face in the water. Even though you don't want to.
Mania is no better because even though you feel amazing, you know it's only temporary and it's not even you! Everything that comes into your head is just crazy nonsense bullshit ideas and thoughts. Literally, being bipolar is like being stuck inside this moving, functioning body that isn't even yours! And you can pound on the walls and scream at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you!
A good spirit on one shoulder, a bad spirit on the other, and you in the middle of them both, screaming at them to shut the hell up. That is mania.
Screaming at yourself from the inside.
I'm glad I can finally put a name to my brain, but it still doesn't make me feel good knowing that it's hard to even trust my own thoughts and ideas. My emotions. My reactions. And it's embarrassing to know that I fell into that same stigma and negative aspect towards bipolar people. I feel like such a shitty person for that. Because really, no one has the right to judge someone based on a mental disorder that they have no control of. Like I said, they didn't chose to have this disorder. But I chose to consider all bipolar people, crazy, unstable assholes. Turns out, I am just a crazy, unstable asshole and I don't know all bipolar people. But what can ya do except move forward and learn, right?
Listen, I have SO much on my mind right now, I could go on for hours and hours with this so I'll just put this on hold for now and make a part two or something soon so I don't go overboard and you guys lose interest and you're just like, "Omigod, sage, shut the fuck up you're so annoying and don't know what you're talking about!" I have more to talk to you all about. Like surgery!
So yeah. Just thought I'd finally let you guys know what's been going on. It's all very chaotic to me and I'm just trying to stay calm. Keep it casual. Keep it classy. Fake it till you make it mode.
Thanks for staying tuned! Watch out for a Part Two of this post soon!