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Showing posts from July, 2016

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Honey Sunshine Chai Tea Warm Milk

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The Red Balloon with The Silvery Ribbon

She grabs tightly to the long, silvery ribbon of her bright Red Balloon. And off she goes. Higher and higher into the billowy clouds. Looking down, she waves goodbye to the world below her, smiling. Laughing. Overjoyed at the feeling these heights give her. The Red Balloon carries her far. Showing her things she's never seen before.  Brilliant cities below her. Tall, green sequoias.  Long, flowing rivers that sweep the leaves away in autumn. Red Balloon makes her feel loved. Makes her feel alive. Tempts her into all of the amazing wonders of the world. Showing her the shiny people with smiling faces. God, how she loves them. They wave to her as she floats by. Her long, brown hair, slipping across her neck; dancing in the wind behind her. Absolute euphoria. Her loving heart beats faster up in these starry skies, making music like the hooves of a horse as it runs free in the open country.  The Red Balloon takes her higher, the stars seeming to smile at her; dancing around her, embraci…
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An Empty Cavern

She opens her eyes and the water encases her naked body like fluid concrete.  The arms of the water pulling her deeper into her heavy, hollow surroundings. "I've been here before." she thought to herself. Eyes frozen open. She could start to see the beginnings of her deep, cimmerian monster; coming towards her from the deepest part of the sea. "he's here for me." she panicked. the long, spindly tentacles moved mechanically up towards her frozen body; a hissing sound piercing the water, echoing through her frozen ears. Sinking deeper, she felt her heart begin to race. He almost has her. She tried to close her eyes, she tried to swim away, but she was helpless. In a trance. Frozen in time. A deep, dingy tentacle swirled around her torso. "no..." she thought. His grip tightened. He pulled her in, down towards his distorted face. "you are mine..." he hissed. but the words muffled through her ears. Her racing heart was beginning to slow. Some…
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Keepin' It Real

WARNING: SEMI-GRAPHIC IMAGES BELOW. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, THIS POST IS NOT FOR YOU. OR IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH BUT STILL WANT TO LOOK, GO AHEAD, YOU WEIRDO.
Two days ago my Dog Baby, Hershey, was attacked by another neighbor dog. Hershey is a ten year old Yorkshire Terrier/Chihuahua mix. So he is small and very non-aggressive.
His back had a huge gash in it and needed emergency surgery. Fifteen stitches. Two big bites, tearing my dog up. He's back home now in recovery. And I'm pissed off. I'm pissed of because I did find out who's dog did this, and unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. Legally. ;)
The morning that Hershey got attacked, I let him outside to go potty and he wandered away.
I figured he just went to his normal yard spot in our old neighbors backyard, so I went back inside to collect me and David's things. And that's when M comes in all freaked out with Hershey in his arms.
Hershey had wandered into one of our neighbors yard and their chain…
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You & All Your Pieces

Why, yes! It is indeed another Warpaint song! As always, please enjoy...


I know I'm afraid, I know I'm afraid,
I'm drunk and I'm tired,
And the city I walk in, the city I walk in,
It feels like it swallows,
With my hand in my pocket,
I feel like a shadow, I feel like a shadow.

Though I'm afraid,
Afraid that I have made mistakes.
Now there's nothing here for me.
The things you once told me,
The thoughts you once gave me,
Sound like the wind in my ears
That blows out the thoughts I've got in my long brown hair.

I feel like the shadows I don't even bother for anymore than that.
What did you whisper in my ear?
What did you tell me that I wanted to hear?
What was the answer you wanted me to find out?
There's no lies, the lies, the lies, the lies...

Brought back something,
A bit for you, a bit for everyone.
You and all your pieces,
You and all your pieces made me come,
And all that love you gave was strong enough to make me stay and now it will be alright.

I feel like the shadow…
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Broken Bones, Bikes, and Wanting That Cigarette...

I wanted to write a post about the depression I recently experienced and explain more in detail my food phobia thing. Maybe phobia isn't the right word, as I'm not deathly afraid of food. It's more of a food...aversion? A food intolerance? Reluctance?

Well, I'll get into that in a minute.

Okay, so I just had a really horrible depressive episode that lasted a good while. (That's why I haven't written in awhile).
It came outta nowhere, like usual. I don't think there was a set-off moment. But I know that things were happening during this time that was sending me down my spiral into the abyss.
And everything was becoming overwhelming. And there was nothing I could do about it.

The day that A broke his wrist, was originally going to be a beautiful day. I was forcing myself to go outside, and I figured if I was forcing myself, I should force J to come with me! And we could hang out at the park together and play with David.
The sun was out. I was really hopeful …
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Slow Dancing Trees

Well I have a small update. Things have been....hectic. Yesterday was actually the best day I've had in a long time. For no particular reason either! I didn't do anything exciting, I didn't find money on the ground, I didn't go shopping. I woke up feeling.....in control!
About two weeks ago was a totally different story. I had been struggling for awhile, going through a major depressive episode. Completely embarrassing. Totally horrifying. Really fucking hard. I found myself crying everyday for the simple reason of me just not being "normal" and happy. And then I found myself on the bathroom floor sobbing and freaking out over chicken nuggets. Yes. Chicken nuggets. I even recorded videos of me during this moment, in an attempt to show to M how bad it really was. I never showed him. But told him that, by the end of the week, I'm going to the hospital.  See, I got set off by me cooking myself some organic chicken noodle soup, and frozen chicken nuggets for…
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The Wall Is Busting Open

Yet another Warpaint song <3


The war you fight is underneath
the water, getting deeper.
The wall, the wall, the falling wall,
the wall is busting open.
The wall is busting open.

In like a dull knife
pulls out all the stops
I fall out like
time running out

(even when I was whispering
you hold on, the water was slippery
you listen, the weather was answering
I let go, I wanna get into it)

You've got your reasons that, hey hey,
turned by the seasons and long days gone
too many minds in my, I don't know,
got in the way of my busting out

Cold and under, I almost forgot to
face up to what i ought to.
Willing and I do give offering to you
Willing and I do give offering to you
Don't know why I feel so different
Feel just like a different person
Willing and I do give offering to you

You're tied in a knot, can't throw you back here.
You've got the floor, they say. You gotta lock it up.
Late into the night you wore off that fever.
That fever.

You've got your reasons that, hey hey,
turned by the …
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Seems You Don't Want Nothing Good For Real

"The world is getting dangerous,
Sickness and disease so very contagious.
All these bad things happening just aint for us,
Can't help us out, can you pray for us?
I've got to...protect my life!
I've got to...love MYSELF!
My heart cries within me,
Love and respect: That's what you should be giving me.
When you hate each other, you don't know what you're doing to me.
If I allow this corruption, you'll surely ruin me."


Whoo!
You're still taking what's not yours,
Greedy though you got more,
Switching on me now,
Snitching on me now,
Picking up dirty attitudes,
What's yuh future,
Then I'm not sure..
Now you lurks on every corner,
Trying to make a dollar from them quarters,
Thought you were my friend,
Give yuh a helping hand,
Proved to be my enemy, you can't even trust anyone.

I've got to take myself away,
From all these things that's hurting me.
I've got to make my life so free,
Seems you don't want, nothing good for real.

I've got to take …
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Over It

I just don't want to do anything anymore. I look at all these people around me and it makes me feel so out of place. Surreal.
I hate this. I just wanna be with my son but I feel like I'm unable to really be there for him in the way I want and should be.
Because I'm dragged back down by the monsters in my head.
And even the doctors don't understand. They aren't there with me in my head.
Am I truly alone on this fucked up mental journey?
No one is catching me and I'm free falling from the stars.
I miss those stars. They used to twinkle at me. Now I feel like they are all frowning at me.
Where did I go? I just want to come back.
They wouldn't keep me overnight because I had no intention of harming myself.
But doesn't me not wanting to take care of myself and me not being there as I should be for my kids enough to get me the help I need?
I'm just trying my very best. But lately, I just feel like it's not enough.
I'm tired of the wars in my head…
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