HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Sunday, August 28, 2016

I Love You All

For those of you who aren't completely sure what my YouTube Channel is all about, it is a place where I come to speak of many things. Almost like my blog! But now you all can really meet me! No, this channel will not replace my blog, as there are some things I'm just not ready to open up about on camera, but feel safe to do so here. (And I appreciate that, guys. So thank YOU).
Anyway, I am trying to inform people about mental health; specifically Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and once I learn more about others, I'll share those with you too! I also wanted to make sure that Mental Health was not ALL I spoke of...
I wanted to talk about new motherhood, being a birth mom vs. being a step mom, staying positive, being a good person, staying strong, and probably rants as well, because let's face it, I have shit to talk about.
So yeah, sounds a lot like my blog right?
I am not entirely sure where this YouTube Channel will head. But I DO know that it will head somewhere great.
And maybe I will inspire people. Teach them to be courageous. Strong. Selfless.
And more OPEN with one another!
I want to help people. NEED to help people...
It's just in my nature. So if this channel can help do that, then I will be one happy girl.
I want everyone to be okay.
Yes, I know life doesn't work that way, but at least I shared my hope, understanding, acceptance, and strength with you all. And you can take it or leave it! But honestly, who would choose to not take those things and keep them with them at all times? Even when times are tough. And horrible. And ugly.
Because we all know that those times are when we need it most.
I love you all. Each one of you matter! You ARE here!!!

My YouTube Channel!


Monday, August 22, 2016

Strength & Understanding

Whenever I go through my old journals, the ones I have had since 4th grade and above, it makes me feel like I've lived forever.
You know how people say, "I think children should go through hardship when they're growing up, because it makes them stronger people"?
Okay I can understand that, I DO understand that! But really, do children really NEED hardship? In order to make them stronger people, capable of handling life and people, and society?
I talked about this yesterday with M.
For me, going through the things I went through as a child and a teenager, definitely did make me who I am. Obviously. That's how life works. But there's more to that!!!
And I am one to understand people better, I am one to help people more because of that understanding.
Honestly, I don't think if I hadn't of gone through life the way I did, that I'd be good at understanding other people and the things they go through. Understanding.
Like a therapist who has never been through anything, has no mental illness of their own. They might be able to help you out from what they went to school for, what they studied and learned.
But will they ever truly understand?
I do not think so. Because it's true! You can't fully understand something if you, yourself, haven't gone through that something, or know it from the inside out because you experienced it.
But "kids should go through hardship?" No!
Kids should be kids.
Kids shouldn't have to worry about the outside world until they are more aware of the outside world.
Kids shouldn't grow up afraid of people!
Yes, the world can be a very scary place, and full of people who only care about themselves, who will walk all over you every chance they get.
But what good does that give to a child? Them knowing these things at such a young age...
This is a tricky subject though.
Because for you to be an understanding person, you have to know what it's really like. Whatever it may be.
You may have sympathy for others, but not empathy.
A person who went to school to become a great psychotherapist who grew up with the perfect life, maybe a few times where they felt sad for some reason, will treat you with sympathy.
But I don't see how a kid who goes through the divorce of his parents, or maybe one of his siblings hates him his whole life and he feels useless and unwanted, can make a person stronger in the long run; compared to a kid who had a loving, stable family his whole life.
I think it's all about how you choose to react to whatever is happening in your life. Good or bad!
I could have gone the opposite direction with things. I could have became an alcoholic, or a coke addict. And I could have had no sympathy or empathy for anyone. I could have become a very selfish person. And was just one of those people who walked all over others, any chance I could get. And blame it all on "my hardships."
And someone who grew up in the perfect household, who didn't have anything to worry about, with a loving family and good friends, might choose to rebel against all of that.
But in the end, it's all about HOW you CHOOSE to react. Reaction is what makes you able to understand. Because you can react the wrong way, which will, in turn, become a learning lesson. Taking your childhood, and learning from it, whether it was good or bad!
Whether a kid grows up painfully or not, it's all about the person. Who YOU are deep down inside.
Where you decide which direction to take.
I don't believe children deserve to have their childhood taken from them. Their innocence. Shoving them into the "adult" world.
It is the most pure thing a person can have. Their innocence...
And draining their innocence from them to make them a "stronger" person is cruel. And I think that there is something wrong with you if you believe that the only way to make a person strong is to snatch their innocence from their very souls. Because that is what happens! Whether you intentionally take a child's innocence away from them or not, maybe you should think about something other than yourself and not even risk the chance.
I think you can also be a good person and not be totally understanding of things. Just like you can be a bad person and be a very understanding person simultaneously.
Like I said, it's how you choose to react to your childhood.
I had a hard childhood, most people do. But I chose to take that and make it into something great. So that I can help people. And I can understand them. But will I ever fully understand someone? I haven't been through absolutely everything!!! I can only understand the things I have been through myself. And the rest I can have sympathy for. That's how it is with anyone, no matter HOW they grew up!!!
But does that make me a stronger person? I don't feel strong...in most cases, I feel like I am weaker than most! But I can say that I am always willing to be a helpful person. In any way I can. If I can put a spark in people, make them see that life isn't out to get you, then I'd say that's a good start. Maybe if people's spark wasn't blown out when they were children, we wouldn't have to try so hard to make people want to live. And know that they really are here for a reason!
That is strength above all.
Understanding and being a strong person are two different things.
Either way, no, I don't agree at all that in order for you to be a strong person, that you have to have a hard time growing up.
Have you ever thought about the fact that the child who goes through a terrible childhood can ALSO turn into a terrible, sociopathic, anger issued, raging serial killer?!
Okay, so they're strong. And they're strong enough to hold women down.
And strong enough to suppress their feelings.
And strong enough to pull the trigger. Or open a pill jar.
If you wanna CHOOSE whether to raise a child like a child, a bully, a boss; or to raise your child like a respectful adult, who cares, and supports, and LOVES....I mean, is that really such a hard decision??
Would I have been greatful to not have gone through what I did? Of course!
But I am also grateful for the life I did have...because I chose to be greatful.
I HATE my past. Hate! H-A-T-E!!!!!
I don't think my "up-bringing" made me a strong person.
Life throws things at you. And you react. And you learn. It's simple as that.

"Only when a man is safely ensconced under six feet of earth with several tons of enlauding granite upon his chest, is he in a position to give advice with any certainty, and then he is silent."
-Edward Newton 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Welcome My YouTube Channel!

Alright, so I did it. I am a new YouTuber, so why not show me some love and check out my channel! Subscribe and share too if you're feeling extra love-y today (;

Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

And I used to think she was beautiful. Wanted to make her proud.
But now all I see are the demons inside her.
Her hateful gaze, igniting every single cell of my being on fire.
Her strong legs, her flying hair, her cruel words slithering in my mind.
I was entranced by her delicate, intricate web. How it seemed to sparkle in the dark.
And just like that, she killed me.
Sank her fangs into my fragile soul.
Sucked every ounce of hope, the fierce love I had, and all that was inside of me, right out.
Laughing while she did it.
Her beauty is nothing now. I'm tired of trying to make her proud.
When her name is spoken, I feel like dying inside.
She makes me feel like dying.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Too Bright To See,Too Loud To Hear

This music video is still so beautiful to me from the first time I ever saw it in December of 2010.
Gives me chills. And it's pretty rare to find music that talks to your soul, makes you feel.
This is one of them. I'm not gunna lie, the first time I saw this music video, I cried. And every once in awhile when I actually feel like listening to Underoath, and this song comes on, I still cry.

Good God, if Your song leaves our lips
If Your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wanderers and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men

Let us be cold, make us weak
Let us because we all have ears
Let us because we all have eyes
Good God

How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would
How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would

(We're so run down)
How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would
(We're so run down)
How they knew that this would happen'
They knew, they knew that this would

Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'

Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Good God, can You still get us home'
Still get us home

How can we still get home'
How can we still get home'
(I'm not dreaming)
How can we still get home'
How can we still get home'

We're forgetting our forgiveness
(We're forgetting our forgiveness)
We're forgetting our forgiveness
(We're forgetting our forgiveness)

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Don't Tease Me Like That!

I keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But the further and further I walk, the more I just feel like it's getting further and further away from me.
And I have moments where that light seems to become a little bigger, and a little brighter. Then, almost as if it knows I'm trying to grasp it, it moves back. Slipping further away in my vision.
I'm gasping for air. My muscles are tired. My eyes are weak from the constant squinting.
I'm scared of the dark.
Is that something to be ashamed of?
When I try to be brave, it all blows up in my face.
I just want to be brave. I just want to be strong. I just want to be happy.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Tears Are Not Worth The Wait

Current Mood:

I've got a friend with a melody that will kill
She'll eat you alive
Like cyanide... it's poison
She'll eat you alive
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two

Only in the sound of the voices I scream

I heard my name
Now I'm gone
Tell me what I did
You saw me standing on my lone mountain,
Dare me play
Not to put it off
The tears are not worth the wait
Your loveliness
Is so worth it (so worth it)
You're another one
In a long long time,
Wrestling people for peace
Wrestling people for peace

Only in the sound of the voices I scream
Only in the sound of your voice did I scream
Only in the sound of the voices I scream...

I make room for everyone
I make room for everyone
I need to take a break!!!

Do you wanna look in my mind,
Open up and see what you find
Holdin on to just what I wanted

It was just behind the door,
Well, I wasn't not looking out
For nothing anymore,
But oh look what I found
I was always talkin too much
But only in the sound of my voice did I reach out

Only in the sound of the voice did I scream
Only in the sound of the voice did I scream