HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

HeLlO mY NaMe iS...

Thursday, March 23, 2017

David is God

I have not written here in months....well....I have attempted to and never publish them because I am a scaredy-cat, so they sit in my drafts.
SO much has happened. First of all, this blog is a year old already, which I thought seemed off, but you know how time is. I know this has really mostly been an un-interactive blog for the most part, but it does bring many smiles to my face to see that people still come here to read my junk.
I love you all from the bottom of my heart.. <3

Okay, so I'm not going to get into many details here, because so much has happened the past few months. The end of 2016 was terrible. Lots of heart-ache. I also started back up at the college here and there are three days left of winter quarter and on to spring quarter. I am still aiming to be a psychiatrist, though I am mostly going with the flow to feel around and see what is right for me. If I could, I would gather all of the people that need guidance, confidence, strength, hope for life and love, and give them all just that. Honestly, it makes me stupidly emotional over the fact that I just simply can't. I cried about it yesterday, and felt silly for it.

Half the time, I just want to run away to a monastery and heal people.

I would love to go to Bali for a good length of time. I don't know why. Just a calling I guess.

Life has been hitting me pretty hard for a long time now. I have been in a depressive episode now for two months. And I keep feeling like I'm just about to climb over that borderline only to fall back down the other side, deeper into my depression. It is getting very tiresome and I just want to feel the sunshine on my back again. My identity-finding is hard, because I am constantly spinning like a broken compass. Like Jack Sparrow's compass...ehemm...Captain Jack Sparrow's compass, except it is actually broken. I just hope to god I stop feeling like a broken compass.

My therapist actually suggested I watch this TedTalks video on Youtube about Multi-potentiality. Sigh. Can't I just be set on ONE thing. I drive myself crazy.

I'm just drinking some whiskey, listening to Iron & Wine and thinking about this quote by Buddha that goes, "Your purpose in life is to find your life's purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it." And to me that is complicated. Yet simple. Like I feel I was literally put here on Earth to be David's momma. And so I put everything towards him. I give my whole heart and soul to him. To being his momma who loves him unconditionally for all of eternity. So maybe no matter what I choose to do with my career or finding a way to heal people, just being a mom is my life's purpose. Nothing else. Everything in my life has literally led up to him. Only him. He is the one who I was born for. He saves my life every day and he doesn't even know it. I get to wake up next to him and share food with him and he will hold my hand and guide me to where he wants to go and that is my life's purpose right there. Anything that I do in life, is HIM. So maybe it's as simple as that.
I guess I just freak out a lot. About everything. About time running out. About figuring out who I am. But really, I know myself a lot more than I think. I'm trying to work on relaxing. Also trying to find God again. Whatever God is to you, to me God is Love. The Universe is Love. I need to connect again. I need Love. And so that is what I am working on.

I haven't made any more YouTube videos because I am just totally doubtful and too timid right now. I am extremely embarrassed. But maybe someday when I am more together. I am Humpty Dumpty. I keep falling off the wall, like I said earlier.

But I am still on Lamictal. I will post an update on here about that very, very soon.

I wish I could come on here and tell you every detail of life and all my thoughts and feelings I've been experiencing for months now....I really wish I could. I am just not ready to share these things yet.

Love is....ever-changing. It's scary. It sucks. It's hard to keep up. Especially when love is always changing because I am changing.

Life is....mother fucking hard. It scares me. I hate it. It's hard to keep up. But I appreciate every single moment. Life is beautiful.

David is...the definition of love. David is God haha.